Open and Aware With Panic Disorder: A Poem

I open my eyes, aware
It’s another day
And I am determined.
I’ll get to work on time
And today will be the day
I won’t have a panic attack.

I open a CD case, aware
It’s a beautiful day
And I am happy.
I’ll rock out in the car
And today will be the day
I won’t have a panic attack.

I open the door, aware
It’s a busy day
And I am ready.
I’ll do my job with a smile
And today will be the day
I won’t have a panic attack.

I open a file, aware
It’s full of words blending together
And my heart is racing — it’s happening.
I’ll keep moving
And today will be the day
I won’t have a panic attack.

I open my mouth, aware
It’s taking over
And I feel the need to say I’m sorry.
I’ll take a deep breath
Because today is another day
I’m having a panic attack.

I can’t open anything, aware
It’s flooding my body
And I am shaking.
And I am numb.
And I am light-headed.
And I am nauseous.
And I am struggling to breathe.
I’ll do anything to find a way out,
Because today is another day
I’m having a panic attack.

I open the back door, aware
It’s separated me from reality
And I am terrified.
I’ll hide from everyone
Because today is another day
I’m having a panic attack.

I open my hands, aware
It’s starting to leave my body
And I am humiliated.
I’ll make up an excuse when I go inside
Because today was another day
I had a panic attack.

I open my car door, aware
It’s time to go home
And I am exhausted.
I’ll call my mom to vent and cry
Because today was another day
I had a panic attack.

I close my eyes, aware
It was a tough day
And yet, I am still here.
I’ll keep trying
Because tomorrow is a new day.

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Thinkstock photo via Martinan