They say don’t look back, don’t look too far forward.
Stay in the present, be mindful, thoughtful and ever grateful.
They say that time heals and loads lighten but they don’t know.
They don’t feel the moment that the strength leaves your legs and you sink.
Sink into the grief that had been silent for days, maybe even weeks.
Then you are stuck in limbo.
Looking back using memories to imagine an alternative present, a better future built on impossible dreams.
A half life.
Half because you can never truly be part of the world you used to inhabit, where loss was an abstract notion.
It hurts.
It hurts so much.
And there is no end.

I wrote this after my baby boy Edward died at 34 weeks gestation and he was delivered forever sleeping.
#Stillbirth