Bipolar 1 Disorder

I feel guilt, remorse, and shame for having sadistic delusions about my former bullies and I feel bad for wanting to be a mass shooter or a serial killer to murder or slaugter my former bullies, it was a delusional thing I made excuses about.

I have been to the ER and then psych hospital for only a day and I was diagnosed with mental health issue with no useful info, then I was diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder with other symptoms and I was assessed for Autism and got diagnosed with Autism Spectrum. My diagnosis of PDD-NOS (Pervasive Developmental Disorder Not Otherwise Specified) changed to Autism Spectrum.

I asked my nurse why I was being released so early as I still was mentally unstable and he explained to me that I behaved too well and that the outpatient treatment program is more appropriate for people like me.

I am sorry if I sounded a bit antisocial. I don't have empathy for people who made fun of me in the past, but I don't want to go to prison, so I learned to control my anger issues.

I feel so embarrassed

I was so angry that I had a delusional belief that murdering my former bullies was the answer. I also had a command hallucination telling me to murder my former bullies and I turned myself into a psychiatric facility.

I don't want the SWAT team coming to my house, I am trying my best to behave.

I have a Delusional Disorder, but I am legally sane and intelligent.

I feel so R-word, stupid, and delusional for what I thought. Due to the Autism Spectrum Disorder, I don't understand what porn is at all. There are some videos and pictures that I downloaded from ages 13-22 that are allowed on YouTube and in reality erotic and not porn. I feel bad and there is no excuse for the delusional belief I had. I hope that everything is okay on your side. I even thought that tango dance was porn...

I still feel very embarrassed about my anger issues in the past and talking about my dark and twisted fantasies about doing something terrible to people who made fun of me in the past. I also feel embarrassed about what I talked about in the past online, because there was police involvement as someone reported me to the police due to my past behavior online. I once had voices in my head telling me to do those things to people who made fun of me in the past and was in a psychiatric hospital to treat the voices in my head, but still, I feel ashamed of myself.

I know that this was two years ago, but every time I remember what I said online and even the voices that I had, I feel so embarrassed and ashamed of myself, I am sorry!

Although I had symptoms of Unspecified Personality Disorder symptoms with paranoid fantasies before Bipolar 1 Disorder, and although I have Autism Spectrum and it's a neurodevelopmental disorder, I would still get the death penalty if I acted on my paranoid fantasies as it's plans of class A felonies, and also because I am not intellectually disabled.

Although your brain is not that developed until age 25-26, it's a good idea to diagnose mental disorders at age 12-15 as soon it develops to improve the symptoms rather than just waiting for it to become worse until it turns into delusions and hallucinations. If Premorbid Personality Disorder is emerging in young adulthood before Schizophrenia Spectrum and Other Psychotic Disorders, it's best to diagnose it at age 18 if it is severe or age 23 if it is mild, so you can no longer meet the diagnostic criteria for mental disorder and get it treated as soon as possible.

Can grandiosity or Delusion of grandeur happen in the context of Autism Spectrum Disorder or Bipolar 1 Disorder?

Hi, my name is MaliaLeialoha83. I'm here because I have Bipolar 1 and I want to live

#MightyTogether #BipolarDisorder #PTSD

Finally in the process of getting the help I have been needing. I know they say to trust the process, do the work... One step at a time. Why does it seem like all I'm doing is waiting? Why do I get more anxious after an appointment than I am at the beginning of it? It doesn't help that when I have a psychotic episode they seem to be lasting longer and I don't trust my own thoughts or perception... This has all been a new eye opening journey but also a scary one because I'm just learning about my disorders and the symptoms from them which is definitely giving me some clarity for certain situations that have happened throughout my life but it's also disheartening. I live with so much guilt and shame, I can't help but wonder that if I had help sooner that maybe I wouldn't have all this regret. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and focus on creating a better future, a better version of myself (whoever the help that is) but that's easier said than done.

Finally in the process of getting the help I have been needing. I know they say to trust the process, do the work... One step at a time. Why does it seem like all I'm doing is waiting? Why do I get more anxious after an appointment than I am at the beginning of it? It doesn't help that when I have a psychotic episode they seem to be lasting longer and I don't trust my own thoughts or perception... This has all been a new eye opening journey but also a scary one because I'm just learning about my disorders and the symptoms from them which is definitely giving me some clarity for certain situations that have happened throughout my life but it's also disheartening. I live with so much guilt and shame, I can't help but wonder that if I had help sooner that maybe I wouldn't have all this regret. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and focus on creating a better future, a better version of myself (whoever the help that is) but that's easier said than done.

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression

Dreams

I don’t remember having dreams- not a nice dream anyway. The only dreams I remember are nightmares that plagued me to the point that I sedated myself to get some rest.

But opening up and writing about my past has opened me up to dreaming once more.

I don’t honestly know if they’re dreams or memories but I’m not waking up crying or scared like I used to. Or angry.

I’m beginning to wake up feeling complete.

But as the day wears on I feel empty. I feel like the shell of a person, empty. Hollow. Nothing.

I want so much more than this provincial life.

I think of the small things that’ll make me happy- like singing, photography, reading and writing.

Then I think of the bigger things and I draw a blank.

Who am I without the depression that haunts me?
Who am I without the mania that drives me?

Who am I when my dreams turn back to black?

I have blocked out so much of my life- middle school, high school. I don’t remember who I am because those formative years are gone.

Or maybe they never existed to me.

#BipolarDepression #Bipolar1 #MentalHealth #BipolarDisorder #Manic #ManicEpisodes #Depression