Psychosis

It has been just over 5 years since I suffered a psychotic break that left me hospitalized for over two weeks. Up was down, good was evil and I believed that I was at the heart of a conspiracy that not only involved the government, but the astral plane itself. That there were angels and demons waiting just out of the edge of my perepheral vision, ready to fight the Final Battle depending upon the decisions I made. I even believed I was the Antichrist at one point, and was enslaved by a twisted, sick cult that there was no hope of escaping from.

It has taken years of recovery to heal my broken brain and start to trust myself and those around me again, and in some ways I am still healing and trying to come to terms with what happened. In some ways, I am still recovering. I feel a flash of paranoia and catch myself checking the corners of the ceiling. I see a trusted friend or loved one and wonder if they are here to drag me or those I love into a hellish world of submission and torture yet again. I question my own judgement and second guess my innermost thoughts and gut feelings because my brain was so warped and I still dont know if I can trust myself or who will end up betraying me. At any given moment I still feel the sparks of anger and fear ignite and I try so desperately to bury them so I can at least appear calm and composed on the outside.

No matter who you are, there will be a time when you find yourself in darkness, and perhaps may have already. I found myself there, and in hindsight, I realized that even in the grip of madness it was trust that started me on my healing journey - trusting in those around you. Trust in your true friends, trust in your loved ones. Trust in the complete strangers who come running to your side because they see the peril you are in and have come to help. You will be amazed at the outpouring of love and assistance you will receive. You are not alone and you are loved. I have to remind myself of that everyday. God Bless all.

Finally in the process of getting the help I have been needing. I know they say to trust the process, do the work... One step at a time. Why does it seem like all I'm doing is waiting? Why do I get more anxious after an appointment than I am at the beginning of it? It doesn't help that when I have a psychotic episode they seem to be lasting longer and I don't trust my own thoughts or perception... This has all been a new eye opening journey but also a scary one because I'm just learning about my disorders and the symptoms from them which is definitely giving me some clarity for certain situations that have happened throughout my life but it's also disheartening. I live with so much guilt and shame, I can't help but wonder that if I had help sooner that maybe I wouldn't have all this regret. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past and focus on creating a better future, a better version of myself (whoever the help that is) but that's easier said than done.