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Well, here we go again I honestly thought I finally found happiness. My life was great.

I have been struggling with bipolar manic depression suicidal attempts since I was 16 I just turned 50 and about to kill myself. I thought I finally found the love of my life. He got out of prison May 7, 2022 was the happiest person we were doing so good he had a good job. I had a good job. Life was great, but it only lasted maybe eight months. The love of my life destroyed me. This has been the worst year of my life. He relapsed got back on drugs started falling down. I had a good damn job at the elementary school working in the cafeteria. Was there for eight years lost the job he totaled my car we fight all the time I overdosed on fentanyl pills January 1, 2024 I was dead, but his ass saved me, but then January 11 got my house busted. He was selling drugs and had all kinds of meth, crack, cocaine, and weed and two guns he’s a convicted felon we both go to jail. I have never been in trouble facing 4 felony drug charges. I was in jail two months before they finally gave me a high bond $50,000 bond with an Ankle monitor House arrest he’s going back to prison. I’m out on bond on house arrest and my stupid dumb ass can’t live without him. I miss him. I love him after everything he’s done to me. I should never wanna talk to him again, but I can’t live without him. My life is over. I’ve lost everything and I have nothing to live for so this time I have to succeed and take myself out of the way I’m tired of making these stupid choices. I really screwed my life up this time. I don’t see any way out and I know I cannot fix it. I have to do it this time. He is in jail. He cannot save me. I have to get out the way.

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I think attitude is all in understanding manic-depression. When you are on a high, everything seems important, meaningful, significant (CS Forester ‘Only Connect…’). I think you unknowingly trample all over everyone and everything else because you become oblivious to their existence, blinded by the light of your godhood. You run on the fuel of enthusiasm, inspired by possibilities, then crash on empty (life as worthless, pointless, not worth pursuing – an endless repetition (the daily grind. Is this all there is?), throughout eternity. An existence with no hope of getting anywhere with anything and giving up all hope because of this: the empty, motionless vessel – the rusting hulk going nowhere).

Travel too fast and like a jet plane, your mind shatters into a thousand pieces (Virginia Woolf and her utterances turning from sentences, to phrases, then single words – devolved language, the joy of sound / vibration). It’s like pop songs, where you might not remember the words but you remember the feeling it invokes and its general rhythm or like a joke where you take the story (mystery) seriously but laugh at the outcome (punchline), which reveals the stupidity and meaningless of existence.

Could frustration at not being able to get your body to do what your mind wants it to do, be behind the violent temper and suicidal impulsiveness of the manic-depressive? Is paranoia from insomnia, down to the mind knowing something is killing it but not realise it is itself?

By the way this also applies to society as a whole. Like Ramsay MacDonald, the UK prime minister, I think war is suicide, not murder (destructive in a way peace is constructive).

As Soren Kirkegaard said ‘Life can only be understood backwards but lived (experienced) forwards.’ In other words we are always remembering the known past but imagining the (unknown) future.

Does a negative personality display itself in how it reacts to a situation and is this true of a positive personality also? For instance does a negative personality see what you say as a complaint because they are paranoid? Would a positive personality see it just as an explanation? In other words are we seeing the cusp of reality, where someone like Meghan Markle or Donald Trump (or even Stalin), would see this as an attack upon them personally because they suffer from a persecution complex but a more positive person would just see it as a comment, based upon how the person making the point is feeling at the time and what they are noticing? Does it leave you unaffected or send you into defence mode? Are you as the recipient of an innocent remark, astounded by the violent attack aimed at you by such a paranoid personality?

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Out of control energy

I think when you are in a manic state, you a like firework fired into the sky, exploding into a shower of sparks that go everywhere and then become the empty rocket, falling to earth with a bang (or not): elation and depression / running on empty or being full of yourself (see other analogous terms below figure).

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So irritable

I have been feeling like I have a huge hive of angry yellow jackets inside me. I can’t control how angry I get at the littlest thing. It’s like manic irritation. I isolate myself because I don’t want to snap at anybody and hurt their feelings. I have been feeling with very deep physical pain from multiple hip surgeries and two spinal fusions. Between my body and my mind I am losing it. Help anybody? Please?

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Meds, gahhhh!

Dealing with meds and their side effects is in itself one of the worst ‘symptoms’ of this disorder. However, the Lamictal through me into a mania, and whether good or bad, I liked it. It felt good after a very long depressive episode. But now I keep fearing the inevitable crash…

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Weekend Rockstars 🤟 #BipolarDisorder

Hello there to all you lovely members of this group and a very warm welcome to the new members who have joined.

I’m sorry I haven’t been posting anything recently as I have been going through a bit of mania and everything has been a bit disjointed.

I’m interested to know how you have all been doing and if you have any plans for the weekend?!?

Please comment below 👇🏼


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Surviving a Major Bipolar Depressive Episode and Finding a Purpose in my Life

I had my first mental illness episode with psychosis symptoms when I was 20 years old in 1982. I had mental illness episodes of extreme anxiety, depression, mania, and psychosis at different times from 1983-1992. I also worked in the mental health field for three years during this time, helping mentally ill patients in hospital settings. I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 1992 after I faced disciplinary action while a graduate counseling student because I had disabling symptoms of psychosis. I was no longer allowed to take graduate courses at this university. From 1992-2008, I took education courses, earned my ....
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GuestPost: Surviving a Major Bipolar Depressive Episode and ...

GuestPost: Surviving a Major Bipolar Depressive Episode and Finding a Purpose in my Life by Becky Rowland

BiographyI had my first mental illness episode with psychosis symptoms when I was 20 years old in 1982. I had mental illness episodes of extreme anxiety, depression, mania, and psychosis at differe…
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Happy Mother’s Day

I went to the mall today got my Starbucks. It was buy one get one so I got my friend a Starbucks drink. I was sitting with my friend who has #Bipolar unspecified disorder. She works at Starbucks and we actually bonded over mental health . We have been talking for awhile now. I felt extremely happy today and much more alive does that make sense. I was very giddy. She says sounds like I am hypo manic. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #PTSD #GeneralizedAnxietyDisorder #Bipolar2 . I walked 11,670 steps,78 minutes of exercise and 4.55 miles

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signs that your getting bad again

#Anxiety #Depression #OCD #ADHD #Grief #Mania #Loss

anytime you have theses symptoms please reach out to someone on the mighty or a therapist or doc..we are here for you..i know its hard to reach out for help when all you do is feel like a burden but everyone deserves support and help from one another..

you can personally DM me if anyone needs to talk about anything... feel free..if i dont get back to you right away then please bare w me..i will get back to you though..i promise

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Well, meds…

Well, went to a pathways clinic to do a substance abuse assessment, didn’t seem to have a problem with that but the counselor thinks I need bimonthly therapy, one-on-one… Then, during the clinic Dr’s appt, the doc gave me Rxs for generic Trileptal and Vistaral. I guess I know/knew I have issues with anxiety and mania, now maybe a bit(?) bipolar…. Don’t usually sleep well most nights, since I was a young kid.

I guess knowing some type of meds may stop or even slow down the brain would be nice after all this time.

I had thought about therapy of some kind years ago, but was trying to take care of others, so put it off.

Well, thanks for listening a minute.

Good wishes for everyone here on The Mighty…

#Bipolar2 #Anxiety #Mania #MentalHealth #MightyTogether

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