Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

I sneezed and it has been five https://days.Three times, loss control,not bladder control and could not get to the standing position and each time I was alone https://here.That scared me, my situation, my health issues are not going https://away.If I dont keep moving, I will get https://worse.I was dancing for three hours, every week, moving, flexible and strong, now, sedatary and weak again. Every winter, my baseline flops, fck https://that.This time, it hurts a hundred times more. I am not here, only,to make his, life https://easier.I have spent my entire adult life running from them, and Im tired. I am going to beable to make my own.im tired and over adults being https://cruel.Im sad they listened to them, sad they never bothered with getting to know me, hurt they excluded me but not https://surprised.Ive lived it, not new or any, different from my https://upbringing.The only difference is, it was fully intentional and meant, to hurt me. Intention vs https://impact.Look it https://up.Accountability is not apoligizing or speaking outloud of the hurt, it is changing the conditions, environment and the https://behavior.I did, I have.They, did not.so I, removed myself.They, still, have the same https://issues.I want more for myself and I will beable to build better.im better than this mediocre level https://life.I wanted him but he never wanted https://me.I wont settle now and Im ashamed I believed him and his family, they will never be forthcoming or engaging towards https://me.I was wrong to expose the https://truth.I was wrong in questioning my role and I won't be doing that again.my role, is for me, to be here, for, my son and the https://animals.There is no extended family or https://friends.There are no obligations or https://commitments.They chose that, not https://me.I am mearly responding to what https://was.I was never integrated, by his, choice, not https://mine.I stood by him, his choice to never wanting traditions or involving others. I mourn not telling, not forcing the conversations but now, nope, no loss.no surprise or loss, because it was never a relationship with them, https://ever.I went, showed up, and watched, enough, to know, Im not valued, respected or https://needed.No issues left, to be resolved.
Move on and grow from, people who mock, gossip and belittle me? No, I cant learn from people who never see their own reflection. I would be careful who you admire, why your own reflection seems Foggy at times.it is due to the falsehoods and lies, that surround https://you.The scheming and plotting around https://you.The backstabbing and false narratives thrown around your https://spirit.Thats the veil of betrayal, slander and hearsay, that cover a name.it is damaging, irreversible and a fact, of my life. The amount, one must go through, to ruin, anothers https://spirit.I will never understand, support or orchestrate.

It takes a special type of dysfunction, to believe there's nothing wrong, with ganging up on person, to fight someone elses marital https://issues.To recruit people, for ANY reason, it is sick and https://deranged.They need more help, than I received.

I sneezed and it has been five https://days.Three times, loss control,not bladder control and could not get to the standing position and each time I was alone https://here.That scared me, my situation, my health issues are not going https://away.If I dont keep moving, I will get https://worse.I was dancing for three hours, every week, moving, flexible and strong, now, sedatary and weak again. Every winter, my baseline flops, fck https://that.This time, it hurts a hundred times more. I am not here, only,to make his, life https://easier.I have spent my entire adult life running from them, and Im tired. I am going to beable to make my own.im tired and over adults being https://cruel.Im sad they listened to them, sad they never bothered with getting to know me, hurt they excluded me but not https://surprised.Ive lived it, not new or any, different from my https://upbringing.The only difference is, it was fully intentional and meant, to hurt me. Intention vs https://impact.Look it https://up.Accountability is not apoligizing or speaking outloud of the hurt, it is changing the conditions, environment and the https://behavior.I did, I have.They, did not.so I, removed myself.They, still, have the same https://issues.I want more for myself and I will beable to build better.im better than this mediocre level https://life.I wanted him but he never wanted https://me.I wont settle now and Im ashamed I believed him and his family, they will never be forthcoming or engaging towards https://me.I was wrong to expose the https://truth.I was wrong in questioning my role and I won't be doing that again.my role, is for me, to be here, for, my son and the https://animals.There is no extended family or https://friends.There are no obligations or https://commitments.They chose that, not https://me.I am mearly responding to what https://was.I was never integrated, by his, choice, not https://mine.I stood by him, his choice to never wanting traditions or involving others. I mourn not telling, not forcing the conversations but now, nope, no loss.no surprise or loss, because it was never a relationship with them, https://ever.I went, showed up, and watched, enough, to know, Im not valued, respected or https://needed.No issues left, to be resolved.
Move on and grow from, people who mock, gossip and belittle me? No, I cant learn from people who never see their own reflection. I would be careful who you admire, why your own reflection seems Foggy at times.it is due to the falsehoods and lies, that surround https://you.The scheming and plotting around https://you.The backstabbing and false narratives thrown around your https://spirit.Thats the veil of betrayal, slander and hearsay, that cover a name.it is damaging, irreversible and a fact, of my life. The amount, one must go through, to ruin, anothers https://spirit.I will never understand, support or orchestrate.

It takes a special type of dysfunction, to believe there's nothing wrong, with ganging up on person, to fight someone elses marital https://issues.To recruit people, for ANY reason, it is sick and https://deranged.They need more help, than I received.

'Survivor' used to be a difficult word for me, and that’s a gentle way to put it. Old journals state it more forcefully: “I despise this word.”

While well-acquainted with surviving, in no way did I consider myself a survivor. I was a mess; my life always on the edge of destruction, edges so raw I’d flinch at the wind. I hardly knew what I was surviving, I just kept shoving through the tangles as they came.

“I’m hanging on,” I’d grin through gritted teeth and clenched fists, “I’m still here.”

It got to where it felt as if the survival itself was killing me. I was still alive, but I was no survivor. I wasn’t living my life, I was barely making it through.

Even after I became excruciatingly aware of our internal mechanics, I rebelled. Even when darker implications of my childhood came into focus, I resisted, insisting I couldn’t be a survivor because my surviving was still ongoing.

Back then I couldn’t understand how every moment I spent fighting for myself made me a survivor. How every scrabbling step I took out of my own chaos made me a survivor. How all my daily surviving already made me a survivor.

Being a survivor isn’t something that happens in the past tense, but I couldn’t see that until I was no longer living in constant survival mode.

Moving beyond survival is the clearing after the thorny, pathless thicket, the gulp of air after swimming back from the deep end. Moving beyond survival helped me see the survivor I already was, to see how far I’d come and what I’d come through.

I survived the unwanted, the unsolicited, the unprompted; the neglect, resentment, and devastation. I’ve survived every single moment of my life; every sharp word flung, every weaponized emotion. Every numbed morning, every suicidal evening. Every disruption, every panic attack, every flashback.

I survived the events, I survived the survival, I am surviving the remembering, and in the wake of it all, I am thriving.

'Survivor.'

Now I see the strength living in that word. I see the flames hiding in its shadows, the blessing within its curse. It’s neither a pretty word nor a pretty implication. But it’s a resilient, teeth-gritting white-knuckling word, and staunchly, stubbornly rooted in truth.

And it’s exactly what I am.

___

May 31, 2023 © ThrivingWhileMultiple

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #Trauma #DissociativeIdentityDisorder

Pulled my back, well, my pelvis again.in bed, while sleeping, I sneezed
I swear, sneezing is my https://enemy.Im scared and the way he has responded, is disgusting and no different than five years ago.im lost for https://words.This is https://ridiculous.He has the money, the support and the ability to divorce https://me.What is his reason for staying? He treats me like a dog, an unwanted https://one.To laugh at my pain and question it, Im not explaining a thing else from here https://on.He is unbelievable and Im ashamed of him,his lack of and unwillingness to be forthcoming and transparent with https://me.It is, killing me slowly and Im hurt but clear over my https://future.I have to be mentally strong and physically, as well.it IS NOT only my mental health! I am going to Eldercare and Social https://Security.Someone is not, being honest with me about my circumstances, my family or my future and Im ready to know the truth.

Pulled my back, well, my pelvis again.in bed, while sleeping, I sneezed
I swear, sneezing is my https://enemy.Im scared and the way he has responded, is disgusting and no different than five years ago.im lost for https://words.This is https://ridiculous.He has the money, the support and the ability to divorce https://me.What is his reason for staying? He treats me like a dog, an unwanted https://one.To laugh at my pain and question it, Im not explaining a thing else from here https://on.He is unbelievable and Im ashamed of him,his lack of and unwillingness to be forthcoming and transparent with https://me.It is, killing me slowly and Im hurt but clear over my https://future.I have to be mentally strong and physically, as well.it IS NOT only my mental health! I am going to Eldercare and Social https://Security.Someone is not, being honest with me about my circumstances, my family or my future and Im ready to know the truth.

#MightyTogether

Today, I feel like giving up more than I have lately. I’m tired of this world. I don’t have any hope for the future on so many levels. It’s all a farce; at least, to me, it is.

I used to have dreams as a very young child that things would end up this way - I would finally find peace, find love, feel accepted and in love with being alive and boom - the whole world turns into one apocalyptic nightmare. I’m separated from my family and I can’t get to them. I can see them but everyone around me is running and hiding just to dodge being physically harmed by powers greater than us, inflicted upon us by evil forces.

It feels like that now. Like I’m stuck in that dream, fighting but powerless. Stuck. Only, I am awake with only the strength to just give up. What an insane paradox. A cruel joke. Isn’t there any light anywhere anymore? So glad and grateful I can post here. No one else understands. 🙏❤️

#CPTSD #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #Anxiety #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SpinalStenosis #PTSD

Today, I feel like giving up more than I have lately. I’m tired of this world. I don’t have any hope for the future on so many levels. It’s all a farce; at least, to me, it is.

I used to have dreams as a very young child that things would end up this way - I would finally find peace, find love, feel accepted and in love with being alive and boom - the whole world turns into one apocalyptic nightmare. I’m separated from my family and I can’t get to them. I can see them but everyone around me is running and hiding just to dodge being physically harmed by powers greater than us, inflicted upon us by evil forces.

It feels like that now. Like I’m stuck in that dream, fighting but powerless. Stuck. Only, I am awake with only the strength to just give up. What an insane paradox. A cruel joke. Isn’t there any light anywhere anymore? So glad and grateful I can post here. No one else understands. 🙏❤️

#CPTSD #SuicidalIdeation #Depression #Anxiety #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #SpinalStenosis #PTSD