Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

This post is strange.
It’s a picture of a tree I really liked.
But what I actually want to talk about is the fight with my catatonic depression.

My depression has gotten better, outwardly at least. I still struggle on mornings and nights with hopelessness, anxiety and despair.

That’s when the catatonic episodes begin.
If I’m emotionally overwhelmed they come.
Normally I could feel it coming.
The way I was exhausted and didn’t want to move. Until my body got heavy, my limbs tingled and I couldn’t move anymore.

I‘m accustomed to this.

But now it’s different. And it’s scary.

Now I get trapped in my own thoughts so much that I don’t even realise that it has started.
I get lost in my thinking and I want to move but I can’t. I’m frozen in place. My body is heavy, my limbs are disconnected from my brain. I can’t move my fingers or toes. I just lay there.
If anyone where to move me (my mom once did and I hated it) my body would stay this way even when it was an uncomfortable pose to hold.
Not feeling my body wouldn’t be so bad.
But it starts to hurts. It’s like a burning, cramping sensation. And sometimes my limbs twitch and cramp but I still can’t move them.

Luckily it’s over after ten to thirty minutes.
Movement always comes back.
But it’s hard still…

It’s like my mind has gotten better but my body still hasn’t caught up.

I know most of you don’t struggle with it but I just needed to share this… It’s kinda difficult to live with…

P.S.: I got in contact with a mental health hospital, they asked specific questions and told me they would talk about it in a meeting, but they haven’t called back yet. I’m hopefully nonetheless. Even though I’m scared out of my mind…

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #CPTSD #PTSD

This post is strange.
It’s a picture of a tree I really liked.
But what I actually want to talk about is the fight with my catatonic depression.

My depression has gotten better, outwardly at least. I still struggle on mornings and nights with hopelessness, anxiety and despair.

That’s when the catatonic episodes begin.
If I’m emotionally overwhelmed they come.
Normally I could feel it coming.
The way I was exhausted and didn’t want to move. Until my body got heavy, my limbs tingled and I couldn’t move anymore.

I‘m accustomed to this.

But now it’s different. And it’s scary.

Now I get trapped in my own thoughts so much that I don’t even realise that it has started.
I get lost in my thinking and I want to move but I can’t. I’m frozen in place. My body is heavy, my limbs are disconnected from my brain. I can’t move my fingers or toes. I just lay there.
If anyone where to move me (my mom once did and I hated it) my body would stay this way even when it was an uncomfortable pose to hold.
Not feeling my body wouldn’t be so bad.
But it starts to hurts. It’s like a burning, cramping sensation. And sometimes my limbs twitch and cramp but I still can’t move them.

Luckily it’s over after ten to thirty minutes.
Movement always comes back.
But it’s hard still…

It’s like my mind has gotten better but my body still hasn’t caught up.

I know most of you don’t struggle with it but I just needed to share this… It’s kinda difficult to live with…

P.S.: I got in contact with a mental health hospital, they asked specific questions and told me they would talk about it in a meeting, but they haven’t called back yet. I’m hopefully nonetheless. Even though I’m scared out of my mind…

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Catatonia #CPTSD #PTSD

“Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
….It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you.”
~~~~~~~
“A heart can break a thousand times
No hands can take what’s ours”
No hands can take what’s inside
~~~~~~~
“You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now…
This is the part of me that you’re never ever gonna take away from me…
Throw your sticks and your stones Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
…You will never put me out again.”
~~~~~~~
“The same tricks that,
that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
…Now I can fend for myself…
The friends who stuck together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept
that the change is good…
You treat me just like another stranger…
I guess I'll go
I best be on my way out”
~~~~~~~
“Would I be that monster,
scare them all away,
if I let them hear what I have to say…
I can’t keep quiet
for anyone,
not anymore…
They may see that monster
They may run away
But I have to do this…
I can’t keep quiet
A one woman riot”
~~~~~~~
“Never forget who you are”

(Various lyrics from several different songs)

#artastherapy #Lyrics #Music #CPTSD #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #Grief #Healing

“Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
….It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you.”
~~~~~~~
“A heart can break a thousand times
No hands can take what’s ours”
No hands can take what’s inside
~~~~~~~
“You took my light, you drained me down
But that was then and this is now…
This is the part of me that you’re never ever gonna take away from me…
Throw your sticks and your stones Throw your bombs and your blows
But you’re not gonna break my soul
…You will never put me out again.”
~~~~~~~
“The same tricks that,
that once fooled me
They won't get you anywhere
I'm not the same kid from your memory
…Now I can fend for myself…
The friends who stuck together
We wrote our names in blood
But I guess you can't accept
that the change is good…
You treat me just like another stranger…
I guess I'll go
I best be on my way out”
~~~~~~~
“Would I be that monster,
scare them all away,
if I let them hear what I have to say…
I can’t keep quiet
for anyone,
not anymore…
They may see that monster
They may run away
But I have to do this…
I can’t keep quiet
A one woman riot”
~~~~~~~
“Never forget who you are”

(Various lyrics from several different songs)

#artastherapy #Lyrics #Music #CPTSD #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #Grief #Healing

Here I am
Sensitive, with a sense of confidence
I survived, made it through the worst of it
Can't heal unless it hurts a bit

Here I go
Day by day, the world it gets more colorful
Learnin' that the broken road is beautiful
The more I learn to let you go
The more I see the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' close, now I know

The bеst part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left mе on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part
Is even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

Here I am
This is what it feels like to begin again
Bittersweet, but better off, I take it in
Forgive it all, but don't forget
Don't forget the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' through, now I know

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

You were a wildfire
You burned it all away
I might have lost myself, but I
Found flowers in your place

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I can make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
Oh, the best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you
…

#artastherapy #Music #Lyrics #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #CPTSD #Grief

Here I am
Sensitive, with a sense of confidence
I survived, made it through the worst of it
Can't heal unless it hurts a bit

Here I go
Day by day, the world it gets more colorful
Learnin' that the broken road is beautiful
The more I learn to let you go
The more I see the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' close, now I know

The bеst part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left mе on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part
Is even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

Here I am
This is what it feels like to begin again
Bittersweet, but better off, I take it in
Forgive it all, but don't forget
Don't forget the

Wild parts I never met
The way that I built you up in my head
And you weren't easy to love, just hard to forget
But I'm gettin' through, now I know

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I could make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
The best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you…

You were a wildfire
You burned it all away
I might have lost myself, but I
Found flowers in your place

The best part of losin' you
Was findin' I can make it through
When you left me on the dark side of the moon
Oh, the best part, best part is
Even though a heart can break
I'm startin' over, that's ok
Found a side of me I never even knew
That's the best part of losin' you
…

#artastherapy #Music #Lyrics #Relationships #Trauma #EmotionalAbuse #CPTSD #Grief

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, I’m barely making sense, for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
from scratch. Begin again, but this time I as I? And not as We?

Gun shy and quivering
Timid, without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, with not much making sense, Just yet
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
from scratch. Begin again, but this time I as I? And not as We?

Eyes wet, toward
Wide open, frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, I’m barely making sense, Just yet
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
from scratch. Begin again, but this time I as I? And not as We?

#artastherapy #Music #Lyrics #CPTSD #Grief #Relationships

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure, unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, I’m barely making sense, for now
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
from scratch. Begin again, but this time I as I? And not as We?

Gun shy and quivering
Timid, without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, with not much making sense, Just yet
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
from scratch. Begin again, but this time I as I? And not as We?

Eyes wet, toward
Wide open, frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray He wants to lose

Day one, day one, start over again
Step one, step one, I’m barely making sense, Just yet
I'm faking it 'til I'm pseudo making it
from scratch. Begin again, but this time I as I? And not as We?

#artastherapy #Music #Lyrics #CPTSD #Grief #Relationships

...image galleries going live on our site, we want to share one of our recent favorites.

These pictures feature our own photography and our own words, and we have lots of fun playing around with them. We hope you enjoy as much as we do.

(P.S. - we don't typically share photos here because they never seem to load/display properly, so fingers crossed it worked today!)

#ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #MentalHealth #DissociativeIdentityDisorder