Complex Post-traumatic Stress Disorder

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some people can ask: “a victim of suicide?” cause they will automatically think that i’m not the victim, my mom was… probably, they will say that i’m crazy for saying this, but i’m not. I’M A VICTIM. my mom sentenced me. i have to deal with the emotional scars created by her decision for the rest of my life, and there no way to run of this.

I’M A VICTIM. this words and the change in perspective they brought regarding my mom’s suicide have changed my entire outlook on life. this can sound silly but i really don’t care. and before people go thinking that i view myself as nothing but a victim, playing the “poor me” card any chance i get — they’re wrong.

those words simply reinforced to me that what i had felt, and will continue to feel about the loss of my mommy is OK. not only is it OK, but it’s expected. accepted, even.

those words gave me a title, with them i could finally felt without shame. those words gave my emotions, my pain, my hurt, my anger, my sadness, my years of depression…they gave it all a title. i’ll explain: you know how people that are chronically sick without a diagnosis feel relief when a doctor is finally able to identify the disease attacking their body? they can finally explain the symptoms, they can finally get treatment, get better, hope returns to theirs lives. i can only guess i felt the same way.

i’m kamila. i’m a woman. i’m a daughter. i’m a sister. i’m a wife. i’m a friend. i’m a professional. i’m a fighter.
i’m a victim of suicide too. i’m so sorry for your lost.

#MentalHealth #Grief #SuicidalThoughts #BipolarDepression #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Suicide #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #PTSD

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Being betrayed by the person you trusted most in the world (and you had really believed was a person who could be trusted) is incredibly painful

I know many people have experienced this. Some of us experience it more than once. Betrayal, unfortunately, is common. But its frequency, its commonality, never makes it easier for the individuals going through it.

However, I feel betrayed and deceived. I’m not sure which one feels worse. The one that is just the other person’s doing, or the one that involves myself not “picking up on the signs.” I’m very angry at the other person. But I’m disappointed in myself. And we know what’s often said about disappointment, it’s worse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intensely disappointed in the other person. But the disappointment in myself hits differently, even if it’s technically not as intense.

I will be…I mean, I am being gentle with myself. I know the advice. I know it’s not my fault. I can forgive myself for what I didn’t know; for not having the tools or ability yet to prevent what happened. I was naive, which isn’t a “sin.” It’s just a state most of spend some time in early on in our lives. (Unfortunately, sometimes it comes with great consequences. So maybe I should just be mad at the “universe,” or “fate,” or something.)

I will be okay. I will heal eventually. I will end up with more peace of mind than I’ve experienced probably since birth, and have always desperately wanted. I greatly look forward to that. And, at this point in my life and development, I will know how to keep it.

——————————
(Suddenly, I am finding more of MY words again)

#artastherapy #Writing #expression #Relationships #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #CPTSD #Grief #MentalHealth #MightyTogether #Healing

(edited)
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Being betrayed by the person you trusted most in the world (and you had really believed was a person who could be trusted) is incredibly painful

I know many people have experienced this. Some of us experience it more than once. Betrayal, unfortunately, is common. But its frequency, its commonality, never makes it easier for the individuals going through it.

However, I feel betrayed and deceived. I’m not sure which one feels worse. The one that is just the other person’s doing, or the one that involves myself not “picking up on the signs.” I’m very angry at the other person. But I’m disappointed in myself. And we know what’s often said about disappointment, it’s worse. Don’t get me wrong, I’m intensely disappointed in the other person. But the disappointment in myself hits differently, even if it’s technically not as intense.

I will be…I mean, I am being gentle with myself. I know the advice. I know it’s not my fault. I can forgive myself for what I didn’t know; for not having the tools or ability yet to prevent what happened. I was naive, which isn’t a “sin.” It’s just a state most of spend some time in early on in our lives. (Unfortunately, sometimes it comes with great consequences. So maybe I should just be mad at the “universe,” or “fate,” or something.)

I will be okay. I will heal eventually. I will end up with more peace of mind than I’ve experienced probably since birth, and have always desperately wanted. I greatly look forward to that. And, at this point in my life and development, I will know how to keep it.

——————————
(Suddenly, I am finding more of MY words again)

#artastherapy #Writing #expression #Relationships #Abuse #EmotionalAbuse #PsychologicalAbuse #CPTSD #Grief #MentalHealth #MightyTogether #Healing

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Reminder to myself

When all you want to do is lay down and die.
Cease to exist.

When you want everything to stop.

Want to skip all this sh*t that keeps on happening.

But you need to get through it.
It’s the only way.

So take one breathe at a time.
One small step after the other,
I promise you, you’re not falling behind.

Because inside this brokenness is where the healing begins. It’s here,
where you continue living that your life start anew.
So take it step by step.

Until one day…

You look back and see,
you have reached the end of this darkened sky.

And found the sun shining again.

[Photo by Emmanuel Lelievre, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety #CPTSD

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Reminder to myself

When all you want to do is lay down and die.
Cease to exist.

When you want everything to stop.

Want to skip all this sh*t that keeps on happening.

But you need to get through it.
It’s the only way.

So take one breathe at a time.
One small step after the other,
I promise you, you’re not falling behind.

Because inside this brokenness is where the healing begins. It’s here,
where you continue living that your life start anew.
So take it step by step.

Until one day…

You look back and see,
you have reached the end of this darkened sky.

And found the sun shining again.

[Photo by Emmanuel Lelievre, Unsplash]

#MentalHealth #Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #SocialAnxiety #CPTSD

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My favourite fall pics so far

These are my favourite fall pics.
The trees are so colourful.
I could look endlessly at them.

#MentalHealth #CPTSD

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My favourite fall pics so far

These are my favourite fall pics.
The trees are so colourful.
I could look endlessly at them.

#MentalHealth #CPTSD

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The contrast of Live

I just love the contrast of the picture.

Like there’s beauty in every season and time.
I still see it. I have moments of joy.

Still…

I really struggle with my current situation of not getting the help I need…

I do everything I can think of to escape from reality… no matter how distructive it may be in the end…

Suicidal thoughts creep in whenever I can’t face something…
My social anxiety skyrockets…
I’m hypervigilant…
And at the same time nothing matters anymore…

It’s an never ending battle between anxiety and depression

[this post started out good and just got worse with every line… but I’m okay, I just needed to vent… no matter what my anxiety and depression scream at me I’m gonna post this anyways!]

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

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The contrast of Live

I just love the contrast of the picture.

Like there’s beauty in every season and time.
I still see it. I have moments of joy.

Still…

I really struggle with my current situation of not getting the help I need…

I do everything I can think of to escape from reality… no matter how distructive it may be in the end…

Suicidal thoughts creep in whenever I can’t face something…
My social anxiety skyrockets…
I’m hypervigilant…
And at the same time nothing matters anymore…

It’s an never ending battle between anxiety and depression

[this post started out good and just got worse with every line… but I’m okay, I just needed to vent… no matter what my anxiety and depression scream at me I’m gonna post this anyways!]

#Depression #MajorDepressiveDisorder #CPTSD #PTSD #MentalHealth #SocialAnxietyDisorder #SocialAnxiety #SuicidalIdeation #SuicidalThoughts #Selfharm

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Hold That Spirit by Raye Zaragoza

Do you ever feel the bite
Of the wolves that haunt the night…
Do you ever hate the sting
Of feeling everything…
Cross your heart and hope to die
Look that monster in the eye

Hold on lightning
Don't close your eyes when it's frightening
Let that thunder grow
Through the ages
You open up all the cages and
Hold that spirit
Hold that spirit close

Have you ever felt alone
In the shadow of your home…
Have you ever felt like you
Could fall and slip right through…
Cross your heart and hope to die
Look that monster in the eye

Hold on lightning
Don't close your eyes when it's frightening
Let that thunder grow
Through the ages
You open up all the cages and
Hold that spirit
Hold that spirit close…

Cross your heart and hope to die
Look that monster in the eye
Cross your heart and hope to die
Look that monster in the eye…

Hold on lightning
Don't close your eyes when it's frightening
Let that thunder grow
Through the ages
We open up all the cages and
Hold that spirit
Hold that spirit close
Hold that spirit close

#artastherapy #Music #Lyrics #LifeChallenges #Relationships #ChronicIllness #ChronicPain #CPTSD #audhd #Anxiety #ConnectiveTissueDisorder #Grief #MentalHealth #Healing

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