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    I have hurt everyone I love and care about. I want nothing but to love, care for and support them but I always end up acting abusive toward them, inflicting pain and giving them no option but to walk away. I have done terrible things, none of them illegal or intentional but I take full responsibility for it. This is a burden I must live with for as long as God keeps me here. I would never want to burden my family further by having to deal with the aftermath of a suicide. I am just dying inside. No more blaming any diagnoses for my bad behavior. If this post puts a burden on you, I apologize. #Grief #sorrow #Pain #Abuse #Responsibility #Burden #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    27 reactions 11 comments


    Last Time Shared 2 Examples From Early Childhood.
    Now, I'm Going To Share The Part After The Divorce.
    *Might Be Triggering.*
    I've Got A Partial Memory Where I Became Sick While With Him.
    He Wouldn't Allow Me Medicine.
    Instead He Laughed,Told Me I Wasn't That Sick, & That I Just Needed To 'Suck It Up'.
    He Put My Us Kids In A Triangle With Our Mother.
    He Made Me & My Oldest Younger Brother His Scapegoats & Physically Parentified Us.
    He Allowed, & Encouraged, Our Youngest Brother To Abuse & Scapegoat Us As Well.
    He Brought Us,Individually & In Groups, To Places Kids Should NEVER Go.
    Made Us Watch Things Kids Should NEVER Watch.
    There Were Other Abuses.
    When I Hit Puberty(Age 9) His Abuse Got Worse.
    One Example:
    He'd Bring Me Out To Eat On My B-Day.
    Most Times He'd Show Up Tipsy Or Fully Drunk; Other Times He'd Show Up Sober &, By The Time We Got There, He'd Be Tipsy(Because He'd Stop For Alcohol Along The Way-He'd Have Me Hide Myself So Noone Knew He Had A Kid In The Car.).
    At The Restaurant He'd Play A Manipulative Game.
    He'd Tell Me He Was The King & I Was The Princess.
    He'd Order For Me-Wouldn't Let Me Pick Anything Out-& He'd Make Me Sip From His Alcohol.
    Most B-Days It Was Enough Sips I'd Be Tipsy By The Time We Left.
    He'd Always Sit Us In The Most Out Of The Way Corner Or The Darkest Corner.
    When We Left He'd Continue Drinking.
    I'd Always Be Grateful To Make It Home Alive.
    He Ruined Every B-Day.//
    He Started Threatening Me With Bodily Harm, Death, & Sometimes Both When I Was 11.
    4 Months, Before I Turned 13, He Started Laying Hands On Me.
    I Got Good At Excuses & Making Sure Nothing Got Exposed.
    The Incident, At 13, Kept It From Escalating.//
    From The Divorce Onwards His Drinking Kept Escalating.
    I'd Sit On My Hands & Look Out At The Door Mirror( To Make Sure My Lips Didn't Move), & I'd Pray.
    Pray That, If/When We Crashed, We'd Come Out With Minor Injuries.
    This Morphed To Praying That, When We Crashed, We'd Die On Impact & Wouldn't Linger( Because To Linger Would Be To Suffer & I Didn't Want That For Myself & My Brothers).
    This Led To The Incident When I Was 13.//
    I No Longer Have Contact With This Man, Have Worked Through Things, & Am Now At Peace.
    Blessed Be.



    Today I'm Going To Talk About Physical Abuse & Neglect.
    Also, Parentification In 2 Forms.
    This Is Strictly To Let Others Know That,No Matter How Dark The Road, They Don't Walk It Alone-Others Have Walked That Road Or A Similar One To It.
    D=Male Donor;;;;;
    'D' Was Taught, As A Child, That Only Women & Weaklings Seek Counseling-"Real" Men Don't.
    "Real" Men Take Care Of Their Own Problems.
    What This Means Is They Don't Cry, Don't Talk, & Turn To Drugs-Like Alcohol.
    Because, Of Course, This Is SO Much More Mature & "Manly".
    Anyway, He Carried This Programming Into Adulthood & Never Once Questioned It; Became More Fully Enmeshed In This Programming After The Suicide Of One Of His Brothers As Well.
    He,Also, Had A Beef With His Mother He Could Never Resolve Both Because Of His Cowardice & Because Of His Father.
    This All Brewed Over, & Culminated, Into Him Not Being Able To Be A Parent.
    He'd Abandoned Himself & This Caused Him To Abandon His Kids.
    If One Isn't There For Themselves They Can't Be There For Others-Including Their OWN Kids.//
    From, At Least, The Age Of 2-The Age Of 4
    My Father Brought Me Fishing.
    He'd Take 1, Sometimes 2, Ice Chests & Fill Them With Alcohol.
    By The End Of The Trip The Ice Chest/s Would Be Empty Of All That Alcohol.
    He'd Become, What My Child Self Called, 'Scary Daddy'-In Adult Terms He Was Terrifying To That Child.
    That Child Loved Fishing But Couldn't Handle 'Scary Daddy'.
    Another Incident Was When I Was 5.
    My Twin Brothers Were 3 & The Youngest Hadn't Been Born.
    He Took Us 3 Kids & Made Us Kneel In Front Of Him-He Was Sitting.
    He Then Started With Me.
    He Ordered Me To Open Up Because He Wanted Me To Drink Some Of His Beer.
    I Believe That He Had Done This Before Because Of My Response.
    I Knew That Was Nasty Stuff,I Didn't Want To Drink It, & I Told Him 'No'.
    He Then Forced My Mouth Open, Poured Some In, & Forced My Mouth Closed.
    He Wouldn't Let Go Till I Swallowed.
    He Laughed & Laughed.
    My Brothers Were In Tears.
    When He Turned To Them They Obediently Opened Their Mouths & Let Him Pour.
    *Unfortunately They Don't Remember-As For Me, A 33 Yr. Old, I'll Never Forget.*
    End Of Part 1


    About the Narcissist Abusers

    Tell me if this theory makes any sense to you.

    It is important to seek second opinion because mind tends to be subjective if the analysed individual or other group is non-compliant to their own belief system, believing that only their race, nation, country, religion, political party or system is the right one, despite their abuses and the good qualities of the challenging system, in which only evil is perceived.

    * * *

    The ultimate goal of the narcisstist abuser may be to reproduce and leave a copy of his in subjected victim's mind as the only valid mode of existence, and abusing the defence mechanism known as "introjection".

    This is not unlike the Alien leaving his cocoon into the victim's chest in order to reproduce while utterly destroying original organism by violent parasitic means.

    Psychiatry will do nothing against the narscissist abuse because it is the very mechanism it works with: mentally abusing inmates in social isolation until they introject the "therapist's" belief that they are mentally ill, and only more mind altering drugs will remedy their situation, and it has to be done for life.

    Original identity is suppressed to the point of only believing to the psychiatric authority like a little child, suppressing their higher critical thinking intelectual functions and rejecting all ideas of alternative cure as a state of rebellion and a crime against the system. The crime is encouraged to be denounced when noticed in peer patients, for the greater good of helping them and making them compliant and sane again.

    Arguably, all vulnerable crtical thinkers in the society will be proclaimed insane and exposed to the "therapy", or other means of social elimination or neutralisation, in order to enable mass manipulation of the system of the remaining population which will introject the ideas of the regime, usually including the belief that the one original nation and State are holy, in danger and that the culprit for the situation are the internal and external enemies, including the ethnic, religious, political and gender minorities.

    The medication system makes the introjected belief and the abuse persistent as a sign of "remission", and will prevent "unwinding" of the stress as a sign of a "relapse of the basic illness".

    Then the psychiatric system works like the "good cop", as long as patient is compliant to the treatment and encourages the "resocialisation", as long as it respected as the only judge or right and wrong, reduced to taking or not taking prescribed medication, and eliminatoling all other patient's beliefs as irrelevant sign of mental illness. The moment non-compliance to the belief system of psychiatrist is spotted, at the same moment psychoatrist turns from a friend into a "bad cop", trigger the mass social response designed to sabotage patient's well-being in a method known as "Munchausen by proxy" in which all participants of the psychopathic abuse will be awarded as saving the non-compliant individual and restoring him back to order.

    Occassionally, seclusion or restraint are performed on a randomly chosen or defiant inmate, enuring the compliance of the herd as a side effect or the desired treatment.

    The parable of the "Cockoo's Egg" explains how the patient's beliefs and ideas are gradually suppressed and destroyed, until the "treatment" is finished, leaving the "therapist's" view of the patient as the only correct one.

    * * *

    Of course, this theory of narcissist abuse is just one atte.pt of the explanation of the abuse and it causes.

    Arguably, the narcissist abuser will pick on the weakest appearing individual of the group, with planned and instinctive "good cop"/"bad cop" and "hot" and "cold" changes serving that the victim thinks only about him and as an example to the group which becomes compliant almost automatically,shuttong down critical thinking and without a fight or fired bullet.

    In this mechanism, ever victim's resistance is perceived as evil, while the narcissist abuser is perceived as strong and the source of protection and stability.

    Please tell me your comments.


    I had a mental breakdown and lost friends because of my abuse how can I get my friends back

    1 reaction 1 comment

    Forgiving Myself for not Knowing Better #AbuseSurvivors

    When people think of forgiveness (myself included) we tend to think that forgiveness is for another person. We often don't forgive ourselves. To be clear I am not taking accountability for being abused, that is not my responsibility. However I want to work on showing myself grace. So tonight I am going to forgive myself.

    I forgive myself for not knowing what I didn't know before. I often get down on myself for not knowing what I didn't know before. I was a child when the abuse started and I didn't realize it was abuse. I remember being confused but I couldn't label it as abuse because there was no violence involved. No threats against my safety. Part of me didn't want to believe that a family member was abusing me and maybe that's why I didn't see it as abuse.

    Even so, it was not my fault for not knowing. He knew better than to hurt me like that. That's the moral of what happened. I forgive myself for getting upset with myself when I get depressed, manic, anxious, triggered or emotionally reactive. I am slowly working on these emotions by making lifestyle changes. As I got older the abuse continued and this made me feel like for some reason it was my fault. I suppose shame and guilt are normal reactions to abuse.

    But now I forgive myself for feeling guilt and shame. I realize now that I need to show myself love, patience, forgiveness and grace. So do you. I forgive myself for not speaking to myself with respect and now I plan on doing that. What do you forgive yourself for? #SexualAbuse #EmotionalAbuse #Hope #Forgiveness #Healing #PTSD #BipolarDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

    17 reactions 10 comments

    Triggered by my neighbors #DomesticAbuseSurvivor #CPTSD

    I am a lifelong abuse survivor. A year and a half ago I decided I needed physical distance from my current abuser and locations of previous abuse situations. I got rid of 9 truckloads of my stuff and packed up what fit in my car, kissed my dog goodbye and gave my ex a hug and drove away to a state I had never been for more than a week and knew 2 people. It was rough. Hardest thing I have done. Fast forward. I found a place to live after over 3 months of crashing at a friend’s and here I am. On my own. Alone. Oh crap I have to actually be with myself. I found an amazing therapist and have really been trying to find a self worth and esteem. Well, I live in a basement apartment on a property with 3 homes. Both my upstairs neighbors and the other couple on the property are in abusive relationships. Today I was not feeling well and was at home when the neighbors began fighting and yelling in front of my door and windows and I was trapped in my own home and of course my phone strangely stopped working and I had no way to call anyone or receive calls. Triggered doesn’t describe it. I experienced the most severe ptsd response I’ve ever had. I was in fight or flight or both. I couldn’t call for help, or even leave safely. I feel really angry that even though it’s not currently happening to me, it is still affecting me and my life in a way that is very much impactful and not okay. I’m on disability and don’t have the resources to live somewhere else. My demons of abuse have found me.

    9 reactions 3 comments

    I'm new here!

    Hi, my name is thelost1. I'm here because I have been with my man for over 6 yrs and the sadness I feel right now is immense but I have no one to talk to. I've been looking for answers and wondering if I was going crazy but we both found that he has D.I.D. I thought knowing this would change the alter from creating haVoc in our lives but he is further away from me then ever. The man I fell in love with is gone. I'm exhausted, hurt, sometimes scared and feel stuck. Maybe I am looking for hope that things will change but as of now, I am the one that he can unleash his venom on all the while I have to continue on with my mask so I do not unmask him in front of others. Truth...I feel like I am faking happiness so that I don't make things worse. We live together and he has a son who is now 10yrs old. I have helped raise him since he was 3yrs old but he uses him against me now. I'm so tired of being ignored, the verbal and emotional abuse has left me feeling so hurt thru the years. I am not a weak person but dang....this really takes a toll on someone. I am not a victim, I know I need to change my circumstances because I don't believe things are going to change. He's also diagnosed with narcissism. I feel like a fool and can't believe I let this happen to me. Love can make you hold on but at what expense is reasonable? I no longer know what to do to help this situation and escaping it right now isn't possible either. I ask myself this everyday, "Will the nice alter come back to me today?" There's a great man in there, I just haven't seen him in awhile. He always has to come out and clean up the alters mess with apologies and grand gestures, just reminding me of the man I fell in love with. Is there hope?


    4 reactions 4 comments