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My current misery

I am not happy. I really never have been. My childhood consisted of abuse and dysfunction. I am in my 50s, still struggling with the C-PTSD. There ARE times of happiness, but it is always short-term. Something always brings me back down. I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that I wish I would die, once or more a day. I cannot handle hurting anymore. Listen, I have ZERO plans of suicide. ZERO. I have no intentions of even attempting it. I guess, it's like, I wish something would happen in a natural way. I can't talk to anyone about the way I feel. When I have, it was assumed that I was a suicidal nut job. Maybe I could describe it this way...I'm tired of this crap. Can't we just "wrap it up" already?

2 reactions

Told my mom about moving in with my dad...it didn't go well | TW parents, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, swearing, one all cap text, suicide ideation











I've finally told my mom that after considering, I plan to move with my dad, and said that it had nothing against her. She was offended, she even said it, too. Continuously guilt-tripping me with words like "I do everything I can for you, and yet you still chose him over me."

I told her to stop guilt-tripping me and told her numerous times that it had nothing against her. She acted like she wasn't offended and understood my decision, but as someone with autism and whose mother has been mentally abusive for most of my life, I knew she was deep down. She denied that she was guilt-tripping, and has even accused me of guilt-tripping her when I said out loud that I then wanted to kill myself (out of stress, disbelief, and not wanting to deal with the pain anymore). Not to mention that I was just looking for ways to kill myself three days ago because of this stupid society. She even said something like "how can you get mad at me when everyone else in the world does that" when I mentioned that she used to fat-shame me, shame me for not taking showers at times and compared me to others, etc... she even denied that she even MOCKED me because she thought that I was offended, when really I couldn't hear her the first time, and I told her that, too!!

I don't fucking care if she started to talk in a more understanding matter and was no longer offended and acts like she actually cares about me (like she does every fucking time we have start an argument), I'm not forgiving her for saying those things. At this point, she doesn't deserve it. One of my queerplatonic partners (not friends, but not romantic) is now pissed.. well, every one of my partners are now pissed at her at this point, and are very glad that I chose to move in with my dad instead of staying with her. She has never changed when it comes to my dad. I'm honestly very disappointed that she even acted that way. I'm fucking 21 years old, a fucking adult who can make their own fucking decisions, and yet she still hasn't changed. 😞😡

I already don't like my (older) sister very much, either, because I always feel like she gaslights me whenever we get into conflict as well.

#MyAutismIsNotADisorder #Anxiety #Family #FamilyAndFriends #GuiltTrip #SocialAnxiety #moving #SocialAnxietyDisorder #Disappointed #MentalHealth #WOW #Parent #Parents #mentalabuse #Abuse #Siblings #Gaslighting

6 reactions 3 comments

Sometimes it's hard being strong, all the time

Sometimes I'm tired of being strong. Sometimes I don't FEEL strong.
In fact... I don't feel strong MOST of the time.
I DO feel so broken.
I'm a moderately intelligent brain, in a meat suit that I have a daily fight with, just to get it to do something CLOSE to functioning. And even then, I'm ill a lot of the time. I'm mentally... shattered/fractured?... from years of domestic torment and abuse (11 years, from the age of 9, with my mum and stepdad. 6 months with an emotionally/mentally/financially abusive partner. Among other traumatic events). My thought processes are messed up. Half the time, i don't even know how much of my thoughts are really me, or because of trauma responses/my childhood/conditioned thought processes. And on top of that, I have the normal bills to pay, a full time job, etc. I have life goals that I don't know will ever happen. I wanna get married and have kids. But I don't know who would wanna marry someone as messed up as me. And as for kids... I don't even know if I CAN have kids. My mother had a miscarriage, before she had me. My sister had to go through IVF. And I've got a menstrual cycle that comes and goes as it pleases, but has no real pattern to it. And even if I CAN have kids... who's to say I won't be responsible for passing on all my medical issues? Would I even be a good parent? And that's AFTER realising that I'd need to NOT be living in a shared house, AND in a better financial situation (cause my abusive ex got me into £14k of debt that I'm STILL paying off). And who knows when that would be. But with my questionable fertility, the longer I leave it, the harder and less likely it'll be. I always wanted a big, close knit family. I always wanted my kids to have brothers, sisters, parents they could rely on and confide in; who would help them, no-judgement; who would be a constant; who wouldn't turn it around and hurt them, or expect anything in return... which is something I never had.
I always wanted to go travelling a bit, but never had the money, STILL don't have the money, WON'T have the money for quite some time. And then, IF I had the money, I'd have to worry about who I'd go with. I have no one to go with. And I can't go alone. Some people do, but medically it'd not be safe for me to go abroad - alone - and potentially get ill, with no one there with me.
I wanted to get a vespa. But my epilepsy means I'd have to get permission from the DVLA first. And then do the test etc. And then a vespa itself is like £6k new. And then my insurance would be SKY high cause I'm young AND epileptic. It's so expensive that there's probably never gonna be a time I could afford it.
Every dream I have... it feels like the universe puts barriers in the way. And I'm tired. I feel like life always lets me down.

And people are quick to say "you just gotta be strong" or "you gotta keep going". And I DARE those people to deal with HALF of what I have (and what I am STILL dealing with)... THEN tell me how easy it is. Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting all of the adversities, getting past all the barriers, only to still not achieve anything I wanted.

Sometimes I just feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of everything I have to worry about, and every thing I fear about the future... because of everything I have been through.
And most of the time I can keep it bottled up.
Occasionally it just really gets to me. And then I feel like a failure... or that I'm as insignificant as I was made to believe, from a young age.
#MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Epilepsy

16 reactions 10 comments

Devoid of Bright

#BorderlinePersonalityDisorder how do you stop it?
How do you stop feeling the raw guilt of having a MI?
The words “I know you have bpd but” like a slap in the face. Like a reminder. A sick reminder I’m not normal. She talks about how I get lost in my own pain and I’m here like “but lines like “you have bpd but” doesn’t exactly help sweetheart. You just sounded like everyone else arohnd me for the last 15 years. “I know you’re depressed but” “I know you’re suicidal but” “I know you’re hurting but” “I know you feel so much but” “I care about you but” obligations and situations. She acts like I’m some abuser and somehow stringing her along like I…she wasn’t there.
Like ///she didn’t care wasn’t aware was always putting her or trying to put her first no matter how exhausted and small she felt.
No you know what no one else is here and she’s quiet so I will speak for her
///I felt hurt ///I felt like someone gutted me ///I felt like she just told me fully I wasn’t worth the time or effort to bring back.
That I’m not worth her time her effort her compassion and it’s sticking to my insides like glue because it’s the same **** **** that people have said to me since I was 14.
That ///Im not worth it.
I’m so tired.
I’m so so tired of being like this of being left behind of being told I’m too much not enough not good enough not well enough not open enough. And people wonder WHY I stuck in bad relationships or situations for so long because in those despite the abuse I was at least ///wanted in ways. I was being ripped apart and torn to pieces but people STILL wanted me and took the effort to ///have me.
And I ////feel that ache inside me again that I will never be able to experience something good sometbing healthy something normal and HER words feel like another nail in the coffin. That no matter how much I’m screaming to be let out to be helped to be held to be seen ///Im not enough I’m not ///good enough to be saved.
I hate her I think I was starting to love her I miss her I ache for her I mourn for her I can only FEEL pain I don’t feel ////good. I cant feel the sun on me I feel heat and it’s burning me alive and I am asking why am I still alive?
If i’m not worth anything if I’m not worth saving? Why? Why am I here???

5 reactions 1 comment

I’m new here!

Hi, my name is bubbles36. I've been diagnosed with EUPD. feel a weight has been lifted off my shoulder. in a week of taking medication that’s finally working after an 8 year battle of knowing I wasn’t depressed I knew there was something more. emotional abuse from childhood trauma and no one helped not parents, no one. I was told from a young age I was a brat, this person was no good, I was going to end up like this person (this person being my dad) and the people I love desert saying this was my mother and grand mother. I was an absolute hell raiser to live with that even I hated the person I had become. I drove the father of my 2 gorgeous children away and I loved him so much! the positive I am taking from finally being diagnosed is….. I’m free from always thinking I was a bad person when in actual fact there was a mental health issue that had been misdiagnosed really for over 25 years thanks for listening!

#MightyTogether #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

1 reaction 1 comment

I know cutting more ties with my mom is the right thing to do, but it still hurts

CWs: extreme food restriction

I had a trauma-related nightmare about my mom last night. I was going to see her today, but I just couldn’t do it. The nightmare was like reliving some of the worst things she’s done to me, and it really rattled me. I’ve been trying not to go into panic mode. I’ve been feeling very depressed as a result. I have complex PTSD from how she treated me as a child and as recently as me being an adult. I wish I could have a relationship with her, but she refuses to get help for her behavior or acknowledge her mistakes. To her, it’s everyone else’s fault but hers, and she isn’t afraid to put the weight of the blame on innocent children. Her being so controlling to the extreme of my underage siblings (for a while she was even banning foods like rice and grapes (she said they had too many carbs and sugars. I was always hungry growing up) is also very triggering to me. I’ve tried to talk to her about it, but it’s only resulted in me getting more hurt. I’m not ready to open up about all the horrors she’s unleashed on me and my siblings, past and present. Sometimes it feels like I’m still stuck in it because I care about them so much. But that’s a stressor for another time. ☹️

I’ve been slowly but surely cutting back the time I spend around her. I know it’s the right thing to do, but it still hurts. Everytime she does something to hurt me or my siblings it’s harder for me to be around her. It’s getting to the point where I almost can’t be around her at all.
I’m just feeling down and alone right now and thought may as well come here to say something. I miss her. It’s hard to cut ties, I’ve really resisted it, I’ve worked hard so that I might still be able to see her on a regular basis. But my body remembers the things she’s done to me past and present and it’s making it almost impossible for me to have a relationship with her without being triggered or having a panic attack. I’ll get to her house and be racked with panic to the point of not being able to go inside. I want to see my siblings so badly, but seeing her makes it harder for me to be okay even on the days when I don’t see her. This is just a tough situation for me, and I’d appreciate any kind of support right now. ❤️ #CPTSD #ComplexPTSD #PTSD #Abuse #panic

25 reactions 7 comments

Why do I have to fight so hard to prove I’m disabled 😩

I wish the government would recognize the fact that me having panic attacks over, having to fill some forms out, might signal that I’m not well mentally, and probably not gonna be the best candidate for holding a job. 

I applied for disability, because I am just that, I’m disabled. But I’m not disabled in the way that I can’t take care of myself. I can’t work a job because I’m learning disabled. And because I have POTS my circulation issues make me physically disabled. And I have a bruise on my brain which means permanent damage which part of my brain literally died. Just a small part thankfully, but come on, a brains never going to be the same after that.

I don’t understand things business things number things rules regulations just I don’t get it. I understand freedom of speech and love and compassion. I understand, teamwork, all working together as one, not answering to people who are higher up.

And I get that there have to filter out the people who are just trying to abuse the system, but when my voice breaks as I state the words “I really don’t want to be on disability“ instead of asking me why I am applying then, an emotional person would realize wow she must be going through a hard time in life. These days everybody is just so quick to judge and question and accuse, everyone misses the gravity of the words I say.

And if I had the money coming in I could focus on my writing and facilitating the Support For Survivors group, rather than worrying about going viral and building my following so I can start getting paid to create content. I don’t want to do this for the money. I want to sell my story for that, but first I have to write it… and I can’t do that when I’m this stressed over the biggest evil in my life… money, and finances, and being looked down upon because I don’t work.

17 reactions 5 comments

New Here...

Hi everyone. I hope all your hearts and minds are being kind to you today. I've never been on anything like this before and have no idea what to expect. I guess I could start by saying a bit about what is going on...

I recently got out of a very abusive relationship which is taking a heavy toll on my mental health and self worth. I ignored the aftermath of the effects for a while, but they are for sure catching up to me now! I've been pushing myself to keep doing university although I find it way too academically easy and unchallenging. I am SO bored. But have been trying to distract myself from the abuse as much as possible. Recently, I got into a car accident (thankfully all is okay) but that feels like it added more trauma to an already shakey system. The car was non functional after the accident... yeah, it was pretty bad.

I realise that I keep ignoring myself. And I'm almost terrified to share the details of what happened because I can't live it again. I don't want to believe that he could hurt me so much. I don't want him to have that power over me and I'm livid. I have the opportunity to be on a year abroad and want to do so much. But my depression makes me feel like I can't. There is no energy in my tank to do the work and keep going. I did want to hurt myself a few times and had super dark days. And I think I need a semester off to regroup but I am eating myself alive saying that I am not worth it. And that I have to prove I am enough by going to university. I feel stuck between wanting help and getting out of this, but so drained and held back and incapable of making descisions and trusting myself.

Just feeling so stuck at the moment. I don't know how to not attack myself for feeling bad. Its a pretty painful cycle and I feel shame for being like this.

Thank you for reading, I appreciate your time.

45 reactions 12 comments