Abuse

I was just diagnosed with autism and ADHD at the ages of four and seven respectively. I had a 504 in place, but no one ever treated me as though I mattered, and they were simply following the law. Most teachers and every single betrayed me in one way or some other. The worst was an ablest teacher in that high school who taught AP World History. I knew this was no different than anyone else, but she completely went overboard with me having to wipe my nose with her around, teaching me apparently outside the classroom. She did not understand my allergies. She infantilized me by sitting me apart from everyone else, and people would stare at me. I felt watched under constant microscope of smothering and suffocating surveillance and freebie answers I wanted instead to find on my own. Yay, 9th Grade was over and so was that textationship for 2-week love-bombing on my side to help a vulnerable/covert narcissist feel more confident in her self-image. I was uplifting, not controlling as she was real control freak. I was publicly humiliated, had my own stuff licked, my own privacy invaded twice (stolen number, using mutual friends’ numbers), and the worst of the worst, being betrayed by the last psycho boyfriend #6 and two women children filing restraining orders over burner accounts I used to get rid of them as in telling them to F*** off. First was a reassurance junkie like I always been especially she bullied, harassed, ostracized, abused, deceived, betrayed, and traumatized me after the first boyfriend incident two years ago. Second was an egregious crybaby, who cannot handle anything but a narcissistic supply of histrionic tendencies for attention in court. I do not say this to cause any scandalous defamation, but to defeat a narcissist, you have five ways to do so. You can black rock them where you really go AWOL and have no contact whatsoever. If the situation requires you to be present with them, be a gray rock. Look as unassuming and as boring as possible. One-wording, but not yessing everything they say, but giving a nod, shrug, or “K” that does not give them at all, if not very little ammunition. It drove the last call crazy before she flipped the scenario on me and reversed the entire story projecting her insecurities. She embellish the truth to the judge and made up lies. What we and the judge did was give in to her so she could just shut up. Then, he took out all her accusations on the worst kind of mutual restraining order in my life. Also you can give a narcissist way too much supply. Give them so much power that they have no idea what to do with that. Overwhelmed their ego to where it falls and breaks them into a narcissistic mortification or collapse. Additionally, mirror their actions. A narcissist may act like they love themselves, but they have no internal validation, which is why they rely on that narcissistic supply. if it is possible, the one thing they despise most is themselves, which is why they require others to understand them and feed into their nasty behaviors to enable them and justify just how they act when they know deep down it could be wrong. Help them base their own demons by showing them exactly how they treat you. Ostracize them from your life and cut them out like they did to you in the discard phase. Here, however, this is the most dangerous technique on dealing with a narcissist. Use it very sparingly and only a last resort. The big whole smear campaign and proxy wars. If you must, you can turn everything they have said against them and twist their words exactly as they do to yours to gaslight, victim-blame, or neglect your needs. Never allow them to be that close to you. Know at any second you can sue them right after you broke down their walls and infiltrated them so much they are in infatuated with you and they will not fight for themselves. Make them just love-bomb you so much that they do not care if you go to court and will not retaliate. That was the last strategy for how I deal with narcissists but I’ve never gone to court over them before. I do allow myself to black rock them most of the time and have them learn to embarrass themselves on their own because they are extremely good at humiliating who they are and destroying their identity when faced with new adversity in the highest form of a mess they created not me or you or anyone but themselves. Let them dig their own social grave. You can’t fix stupid, but you can let it break someone. Not that that’s nice, but if you need to step away and walk away forever for your life, that is your own prerogative and volition. If you feel you are in a abusive toxic relationship, do not hold back. Never let them devalue you and then worship you as if a goddess or God. They love to suck up to their authorities and create institutional pity. They can abuse their own power and influence to control you, but I never let them. They never knew behind the scenes. I was always the one controlling them to make them head to the extremes and destroy themselves so much that they will never come back from it. I never lost my power, but for those who have, take it back! Show they how strong we all are as one unified front on the Mighty! If anyone needs any pointers, I am always available to talk. I, too, am gifted at art as well. If you would like to be taught in any way or form I would do it completely cost free out of the kindness of my heart, you can ask me for that as well. I hope my blog gives you bliss. Below is a strategy on how to manage anger I learned from 988 and it has worked miracles in my life just like the WRAP (wellness, recovery, action plan). Make your own strategies and learn to help me help you through my insights. Take this from a dark empath that fights behind the scenes to try and protect those I care about, which is now everyone in this community who deserves to be treated with humanity and not cruelty. I hope my message finds you well! Enjoy!

My four-year-old granddaughter went roller skating for the first time over the weekend. No matter what, she would not let go of that wall. It was her security. I completely understood. When I was a little girl, there was a rock wall behind our house in the alley. When abuse was coming, I’d do my best to run and hide behind that wall. They never found me there. Safe. It protected me. A few years ago, I drove back to that neighborhood. To that spot. To the wall. It wasn’t as big as I remembered. The photo on the right is that very wall. It still stands. I’m thankful I don’t need it anymore. I formed a trust in my therapist. He led me toward a freedom I had never known.
Much like me, my granddaughter will grow confidence through love and patience. One day, she’ll let go of that wall. She’ll find her own balance. She’ll fly.

Loving someone who struggles with addiction is one of the most painful and complex experiences a person can face. You watch someone you care about disappear in pieces—moments of clarity followed by chaos, hope followed by heartbreak. You want to help, but nothing you do ever feels like enough.

Addiction doesn’t just affect the individual—it impacts families, children, partners, and entire support systems. Research consistently shows that substance use disorders are associated with increased family stress, disrupted attachment, and intergenerational trauma, particularly when left untreated (Canadian Centre on Substance Use and Addiction [CCSA], 2023).

Supporting someone with addiction requires empathy, education, and—often most overlooked—care for yourself.

Understanding Addiction Through a Trauma Lens

Addiction is not a moral failure or a lack of willpower. It is a complex, chronic health condition influenced by neurobiology, trauma exposure, mental illness, and social determinants of health (CCSA, 2023; National Institute on Drug Abuse [NIDA], 2024).

*Many individuals use substances to:

*Regulate overwhelming emotions

*Cope with unresolved trauma or abuse

*Manage untreated anxiety, depression, or PTSD

*Numb feelings of abandonment, shame, or chronic stress

Trauma-informed research shows a strong correlation between adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and later substance use, highlighting addiction as a survival response rather than a choice (Felitti et al., 1998; Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration [SAMHSA], 2014).

Lead With Compassion, Not Control

Shame is one of the strongest predictors of continued substance use and relapse. Compassion, on the other hand, fosters psychological safety—an essential foundation for recovery (Brown, 2012; SAMHSA, 2014).

Supportive communication includes:

*Using person-first language (e.g., “a person with a substance use disorder”)

*Expressing concern without blame

*Listening without fixing, minimizing, or threatening

*Acknowledging the person’s pain, not just their behavior

Statements such as:
“I’m worried about your safety.”
“I care about you and want to understand.”

Can reduce defensiveness and open space for change.

Set Boundaries Without Guilt

Boundaries are a critical component of healthy support. Evidence-based family approaches emphasize that enabling behaviors—such as covering up consequences or providing financial support for substance use—can unintentionally reinforce addiction patterns (Al-Anon Family Groups, 2023).

Healthy boundaries:

*Protect your emotional and physical safety

*Create clarity and consistency

*Reduce resentment and burnout

*Model accountability

Setting boundaries is not abandonment—it is a necessary act of self-preservation.

Encourage Help—But Release the Outcome

Recovery cannot be forced. Research shows that while social support increases treatment engagement, sustained recovery depends on internal readiness and access to appropriate care (NIDA, 2024).

You can:

Take Care of Yourself (This Is Not Selfish)

*Encourage professional treatment or trauma-informed therapy

*Offer to support attendance at appointments or groups

*Share resources without ultimatums

You cannot:

*Control another person’s recovery

*Heal their trauma for them

*Prevent relapse on their behalf

Letting go of control is often one of the hardest—and healthiest—steps for loved ones.

Family members of individuals with addiction often experience secondary trauma, anxiety, depression, and chronic stress (Orford et al., 2013). Caring for yourself is not optional—it is essential.

Consider:

*Individual or family therapy

*Support groups for loved ones (e.g., Al-Anon, Nar-Anon)

*Rebuilding routines that prioritize rest, boundaries, and identity

*When you care for yourself, you interrupt cycles of codependency and trauma.

A Personal Reflection

Through my work in child welfare and trauma-informed practice, I have seen how addiction fractures families—and how often children become silent witnesses to instability long before they understand it.

I’ve also lived the reality of addiction and recovery, witnessing firsthand how shame isolates, while compassion combined with accountability creates space for healing.
Healing does not begin with control.

It begins with safety, boundaries, and truth.

Final Thoughts: Love With Limits, Hope With Honesty

You are not cruel for setting boundaries.

You are not heartless for protecting yourself.

And you are not responsible for someone else’s recovery.

Supporting someone through addiction is not about saving them.

It’s about staying grounded in compassion—without losing yourself.

BigmommaJ
#AddictionRecovery #withoutLosingyourself #boundaries

Mental health struggles do not exist in isolation. They are shaped by experiences, environments, systems, and relationships—many of which were never safe to begin with.

Yet stigma continues to frame mental illness as a personal failure rather than a human response to adversity.

Research consistently shows that stigma is one of the greatest barriers to seeking mental health support, often leading to delayed treatment, increased distress, and poorer outcomes (Mental Health Commission of Canada [MHCC], 2022). Stigma is not just uncomfortable—it is harmful.

For individuals impacted by trauma, child welfare involvement, addiction, and recovery, stigma often becomes an additional wound layered onto an already heavy history.

Where Stigma Begins

Mental health stigma thrives where understanding ends.

It shows up when behaviors are judged without context, when trauma responses are labeled as defiance or manipulation, and when people are reduced to diagnoses instead of seen as whole human beings shaped by what they have lived through. Language and labeling play a critical role in reinforcing stigma, particularly within systems meant to provide care (Herman, 2015).

Stigma asks, “What’s wrong with you?”

Trauma-informed care asks, “What happened to you?”

This shift in perspective is foundational to trauma-informed practice and is supported by evidence demonstrating improved engagement and outcomes when individuals feel understood rather than blamed (SAMHSA, 2014).

Child Welfare, Trauma, and the Mental Health Continuum

Children involved in child welfare systems are disproportionately exposed to adverse childhood experiences (ACEs), including abuse, neglect, domestic violence, parental substance use, and chronic instability (Public Health Agency of Canada [PHAC], 2023).

These experiences do not disappear with time—they embed themselves in the nervous system, shaping attachment patterns, emotional regulation, and coping strategies across the lifespan.

The landmark ACEs study established a strong, graded relationship between childhood adversity and later mental health challenges, substance use disorders, and chronic physical illness (Felitti et al., 1998).

Despite this evidence, individuals with child welfare histories are often stigmatized for the very adaptations that helped them survive early adversity.

What we label as “problem behavior” is frequently a trauma response.

What we punish is often pain.

Addiction: A Stigmatized Trauma Response

Addiction remains one of the most stigmatized mental health conditions, particularly when it intersects with trauma histories.

Research shows that a significant proportion of individuals with substance use disorders have experienced childhood trauma, neglect, or violence (SAMHSA, 2014).

Substance use is often an attempt to regulate overwhelming emotions, numb intrusive memories, or create a sense of control when safety was never guaranteed.

Neurobiological research supports that trauma alters stress and reward pathways in the brain, increasing vulnerability to substance use as a coping mechanism (Herman, 2015).

Yet stigma continues to frame addiction as moral failure rather than a health condition, leading to:

*Delayed help-seeking

*Increased shame and secrecy

*Higher relapse rates

*Reduced access to compassionate care

Addiction is not a lack of willpower. It is a nervous system searching for relief.

Personal Reflection: What I’ve Seen—and Lived

Working within child welfare, alongside my own healing and recovery journey, has taught me that people are rarely broken—they are burdened.

I have seen children labeled “difficult” when they were terrified.

Parents judged as “unmotivated” when they were navigating unresolved trauma.

Individuals dismissed as “addicts” instead of recognized as survivors.

I have also lived the impact of stigma—the way it follows you into systems, appointments, and even your own internal dialogue.

Research confirms that internalized stigma significantly worsens mental health outcomes and reduces self-efficacy in recovery (MHCC, 2022).

Recovery, for me, was not just about changing behaviors. It was about unlearning shame. About recognizing that survival does not require justification. And about understanding that healing is not linear—a reality well documented in trauma and recovery literature (Herman, 2015).

Recovery Is Not an Endpoint—It Is a Practice

Recovery is often portrayed as a finish line. In reality, it is an ongoing process of self-regulation, self-awareness, and reconnection.

Evidence-based models of recovery emphasize that healing occurs over time and requires safety, trust, and empowerment (SAMHSA, 2014).

Recovery can mean:

*Learning safer coping strategies

*Rebuilding trust with self and others

*Naming trauma without being defined by it

*Choosing growth even when it’s uncomfortable

Stigma tells people they should be “over it by now.”
Recovery science tells us otherwise.

From Awareness to Action

Public awareness of mental health has increased, yet stigma continues to shape who is believed, who receives care, and who is left behind.

The Mental Health Commission of Canada (2022) emphasizes that meaningful change requires systemic, trauma-informed approaches rather than crisis-driven or punitive responses.

Action looks like:

*Trauma-informed child welfare and mental health systems

*Integrated treatment for mental health and addiction

*Language that reduces shame and increases engagement

*Early intervention rather than crisis-only care

Mental health care must do more than manage symptoms—it must restore dignity.

The Vision: Rise Above Your Norm

Rise Above Your Norm is not just a blog—it is the foundation of a future private practice rooted in lived experience, clinical understanding, and evidence-based, trauma-informed care.

This practice is being built to serve individuals who have been historically misunderstood or marginalized within systems:

*Those with complex trauma histories

*Individuals impacted by child welfare involvement

*People navigating addiction and recovery

*Families working to break generational cycles

*Thos affected by sexual abuse, exploitation and domestic violence

Research consistently shows that trauma-informed, person-centered care improves engagement, outcomes, and long-term recovery (SAMHSA, 2014; MHCC, 2022).

What This Practice Will Stand For

This space will be:

*Trauma-informed, grounded in ACEs and neurobiology research

*Non-judgmental, rejecting shame-based models

*Integrated, addressing mental health and addiction together

*Grounded in dignity, recognizing lived experience as expertise.

Healing should not require proving your pain. It should meet you where you are.

A Call to the Community

*If you are a professional: examine your language and assumptions.

*If you are a policymaker: invest in prevention, not punishment.

*If you are a loved one: replace judgment with curiosity.

*If you are struggling: your healing is valid—even when it is nonlinear.

Reducing stigma is a shared responsibility—and one that directly impacts lives (MHCC, 2022).

A Final Word

Mental health struggles are not evidence of weakness. They are evidence of endurance.

The work ahead is not easy—but it is necessary.

This is how we rise:

*By choosing understanding over stigma.

*By building systems that reflect real lives.

*By believing people are worthy of care long before they reach rock bottom.

This is the work of Rise Above Your Norm.
And this is only the beginning

BigmommaJ
#Stigma #MentalHealth #Addiction #change