Sometimes I'm tired of being strong. Sometimes I don't FEEL strong.
In fact... I don't feel strong MOST of the time.
I DO feel so broken.
I'm a moderately intelligent brain, in a meat suit that I have a daily fight with, just to get it to do something CLOSE to functioning. And even then, I'm ill a lot of the time. I'm mentally... shattered/fractured?... from years of domestic torment and abuse (11 years, from the age of 9, with my mum and stepdad. 6 months with an emotionally/mentally/financially abusive partner. Among other traumatic events). My thought processes are messed up. Half the time, i don't even know how much of my thoughts are really me, or because of trauma responses/my childhood/conditioned thought processes. And on top of that, I have the normal bills to pay, a full time job, etc. I have life goals that I don't know will ever happen. I wanna get married and have kids. But I don't know who would wanna marry someone as messed up as me. And as for kids... I don't even know if I CAN have kids. My mother had a miscarriage, before she had me. My sister had to go through IVF. And I've got a menstrual cycle that comes and goes as it pleases, but has no real pattern to it. And even if I CAN have kids... who's to say I won't be responsible for passing on all my medical issues? Would I even be a good parent? And that's AFTER realising that I'd need to NOT be living in a shared house, AND in a better financial situation (cause my abusive ex got me into £14k of debt that I'm STILL paying off). And who knows when that would be. But with my questionable fertility, the longer I leave it, the harder and less likely it'll be. I always wanted a big, close knit family. I always wanted my kids to have brothers, sisters, parents they could rely on and confide in; who would help them, no-judgement; who would be a constant; who wouldn't turn it around and hurt them, or expect anything in return... which is something I never had.
I always wanted to go travelling a bit, but never had the money, STILL don't have the money, WON'T have the money for quite some time. And then, IF I had the money, I'd have to worry about who I'd go with. I have no one to go with. And I can't go alone. Some people do, but medically it'd not be safe for me to go abroad - alone - and potentially get ill, with no one there with me.
I wanted to get a vespa. But my epilepsy means I'd have to get permission from the DVLA first. And then do the test etc. And then a vespa itself is like £6k new. And then my insurance would be SKY high cause I'm young AND epileptic. It's so expensive that there's probably never gonna be a time I could afford it.
Every dream I have... it feels like the universe puts barriers in the way. And I'm tired. I feel like life always lets me down.
And people are quick to say "you just gotta be strong" or "you gotta keep going". And I DARE those people to deal with HALF of what I have (and what I am STILL dealing with)... THEN tell me how easy it is. Sometimes I'm just tired of fighting all of the adversities, getting past all the barriers, only to still not achieve anything I wanted.
Sometimes I just feel like I'm suffocating under the weight of everything I have to worry about, and every thing I fear about the future... because of everything I have been through.
And most of the time I can keep it bottled up.
Occasionally it just really gets to me. And then I feel like a failure... or that I'm as insignificant as I was made to believe, from a young age.
#MentalHealth #ChronicIllness #PTSD #Anxiety #Depression #AutismSpectrumDisorder #Epilepsy