Pattern of falling out with strong 'alpha ' female friends
I have a history of being extremely close friends with, I think three women, but something's telling me it's four?!
The pattern is very similar, actually you could almost say identical in the way it plays out.
I feel like I'm a bit of a silent assassin, for want of a better word, in these relationships. In so far as I never have any premeditated agenda in the friendship, apart from being a great, supportive, reliable, caring and honest mate.
I have many faults, and I am the first person to admit them. Apart from the obvious mental health issues, I have absolutely no filter, and don't think before I speak. I literally have the memory of a goldfish, so I'm always accused of not listening, and I am quite an insular person and live in my head a lot. Recently it's becoming more and more apparent that I probably have undiagnosed ADHD.
I used to worry so much about what people thought about me, how my behaviour affected them, and how I could appease everybody.
The women in question were all extremely prominent in their field. One owned a local pub, the other owned a very successful nightclub, and the other, although not so successful at the time, has gone on to study and become a child psychologist, after having recovered from alcohol dependency using the 12 steps programme.
I'll try and keep this quick because I could go on forever. Basically, the pattern looks like this.
Make friends, suddenly I'm the best friend they've ever had. They tell me secrets that they have never told anyone, some of which are really personal or involve sexual abuse etc.
I am regarded as someone who can be manipulated. As someone with a very high level of emotional intelligence, I note everything, but never make comments or say anything unless asked.
The reason people see me as someone who can be easily manipulated (maybe weak in their opinion) is because I am very confident, and as someone fascinated by human behaviour, I err on the side of the viewer, rather than participant. If that makes sense?
So many times these women have accused me of not being supportive enough. They have presented me with examples of what their friends have said or think about me, always negative. However, because I'm secure in myself, it never bothers me.
The main element in every one of these friendships is that they believe that I am someone who can be manipulated and will comply at all costs. But at some point during the friendship, usually after about 5 or 6 years, the tables always turn. Never intentionally, I always think it's rather serendipitous, and the way the universe plans.
I have just realised that it's definitely 4 women! Yay! Is that Yay for me losing these crazy bitches outta my life, or Yay because I actually remembered it was four women?!
Either way works for me. Lol!
So I'm hoping that you have some idea of what I'm trying to convey?
The last woman was the one who has really gotten under my skin.
She is extremely extrovert, an exhibitionist, self obsessed, hypocritical and passive aggressive. All of the traits that she detests in anyone else. (Projection perhaps 🤔)
Anyway, after 5 months of the silent treatment, she 'accidentally ' pocket called me. Then continued to bombard me with accusations of having lied on 3 occasions, refused to meet up and discuss things like adults, and over the course of a week sent a few messages saying "well what have you got to say about everything", and when her messages fell upon deaf ears, "well you clearly don't care, and haven't missed having me in your life, so I think we're done, bye "
None of which I responded to, probably the most frustrating thing for her. I wrote a few replies, to myself, to vent my anger and frustration. Because the whole situation had been completely manifested by her, without anything other than her crazy mind to compel her beliefs.
Very quickly, because this is becoming far too long.
She accused me of saying that I told her that her boyfriend called me a cunt. This was last December at a Christmas lunch, after 5 or 6 hours of serious drinking. She told me she had asked everyone present whether he had indeed called me a cunt, and they said no.
I mean seriously, semantics, drink, what the fuck does it matter anyway in the scheme of things? I think calling it a lie is tenuous to say the least!
Second alleged lie. I was with her and a friend. He had recently split up with his wife. She had made some comments initially, and apparently when I related them back to our friend, I didn't get the details correct. Please help me here. Because if you're sitting at a table and a friend has misquoted you, wouldn't you just say something like "no Jo, I didn't say that, I said this etc" I don't know if it's possible to lie when the person who accuses you of lying is sat next to you is it?
I am happy alone, it makes me sad that these relationships seem to replicate, and play out in a similar way, but I have many friends from childhood, who I'm still in touch with and see at least once a year.
I don't have any concerns about my behaviour or how I could have attributed to the situation, and I would be the first person to hold my hands up and admit it.
I think that's one of the things that they can't deal with. That I am completely transparent, honest and truthful. That way you never get into trouble because you're always telling the truth, it doesn't change and no matter how hideous the truth is, you can't deny it.
I have told my parents about my childhood abuse with my grandfather and brother. They went out of their minds, I was excommunicated from the family, thrown out of the house on Boxing day with nowhere to go.
But when you know you are telling the truth, believe me there is nothing more empowering or self validating. When you watch everyone else trying to run away and hide from it, when you're friends make up ridiculous stories about you, which has taken them five months to do.
I have survived triple negative breast cancer twice. I have nearly died, or maybe should have died, eight times. I'm here for a reason. And that reason is not to stroke the egos of women who are ultimately light years away from becoming as secure and insightful as I am.
Please don't mistake my confidence for arrogance 🙏
So I went to look up how to decrease suicidal ideation, then found this app. Since I've been having suicidal ideation a lot for the past few months. Mostly passive but they were really high yesterday. I have a lot of trauma, have been emotionally abused.
I'm in a PHP program and I just wanna get better, even tho I constantly feel awful about myself since I've been with a narcassitic abuser for 5 years. I cut him off a few months ago, so my mental health just spiraled. I also thought I was over him since we broke up in 2019, but remained friends until recently. But I wasn't over him, I still loved him. I just suppressed it. Was pretty obvious too since I got jealous, constantly wanted to please him and was obsessed with him. Was not healthy but I was able to cut him off.
I really just wanna be happy with myself again after dealing with all his invalidation for so long. I just feel worthless. Like nobody is gonna want me even in a platonic relationship.
Is Your OCD Expensive?
I need a lot of things, like tissues, disinfectant wipes, toilet wipes, computer screen wipes, extra clothes, nitrile/vinyl gloves, (sometimes multiple) things for certain purposes, because of my OCD, plus I need things for physical disabilities and issues, like bed pads, extra bathroom tissue, dry eye drops, powder/products for sweating and chafing, and more. These are only a few things for each I need, but I don't always have them all. My boyfriend gets mad at me for the things I need, and that I eat out. That's an ocd thing, too, but more of a mental health thing. I don't do well staying in the motel room, even for one day, and I have to wait for him till at least after 8:00 pm most days to bring me a meal (usual Chinese chicken fried rice, and I find Chinese boooring, but I don't want anything the convenience store offers. I also can't eat just anything because my teeth are so bad and missing, plus my body doesn't react well to some foods. I can't cook at the motel because the microwave is broken and my boyfriend has cooked things in there that are a problem for me.
Anyway, I'm in a restaurant now (another reason I'm limited is, I have to know the restaurant bathrooms aren't a problem for me), and the waiter asked how I was, and I gave a "so-so" hand gesture, and he asked what was wrong. I said, "Money." He said, "Why are you eating here, then?" I don't feel like explaining my OCD and other issues to anyone, plus it's none of his business, anyway. I usually get the cheapest dish, other than soup, although today I got fish, because I was really craving fish. Also, the drinks are free refills. This is my only meal of the day, except for a small snack later.
Does anyone go through a lot of things because of their ocd, and maybe other reasons?
So Much to Say
I'm low on battery, and I want to get so much off my chest. I just got my phone repaired, but my boyfriend has done and is doing so much, and I don't have time to get it all out. Because of him, I can't see my cats. I told him I needed a cord to charge my phone in the motel room and still be able to use my phone at the same time. I don't know if he's gaslighting me or just didn't listen (he told me he "tunes [me] out"), but he says he didn't know I wanted a cord for the motel. I only have the wireless charger, and I can't use the phone for like three hours while it's charging. So much is wrong. I stink. He keeps the temperature uncomfortable for me and gets irritated when I ask him to change it. I'm dripping sweat or freezing, and that can make me need to use the bathroom, which makes me sleepy, stressed, and more.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what’s the point of carrying on. I got so out of it I declared to be researching how to get SN for death. I’m supposed to see my therapist next week and I think I’ll tell her I’m done. That she’s not helping me, that I’m over therapy, and that I just want to die. That nobody fucking understands me. Another day lived doesn’t mean it “gets better”. It means another day of trauma
Living is just trauma
Abusers thrive. Why?
I deal with suicidal thoughts (which have been getting so bad I might attempt possibly. I will tell my therapist about this next week)
Struggle to go outsde
and just want to stay in bed and ruminate and die
Yet my abusers/shitty family all seem to function nornally
Going to work, chatting with people easily, integrating into life, and not seeming bothered or caring about how shitty they are
Why are abusers able to live easier lives?
Childhood Trauma Trigger
Just received a photo of myself at 8 years of age and it has triggered an immense amount of pain and heartache and regret. Why do I feel responsible for my 8 year old self? I was sexually abused from such an early age that as far as I member I was probably a toddler. I know it peaked at 8 when my parents split and my single mother’s only choice was to move in with the family members whose head was the predator. I was so young and the target of a running joke as everyone called me the crying baby. I used to cry all the time, I had to endure the abuse and the terrifying fear of this man coming at any moment to abuse me. I guess I have told myself all this years that I was ok but I’m not. I’m angry, he passed away last year at a very old age and I’m still angry and hurting. I need to heal…. I don’t know what to do #ChildhoodAbuse
"God counts her tears." -Jewish Proverb