What I Wouldn’t Have Achieved Without Chronic Illness


Dear Chronic Illness,

We’ve not known each other long, dear, but you’ve insinuated yourself into every aspect of my life. In fact, there is not a part of my life that you’ve not touched, and I thought it was time I finally told you how I really feel about you.

My primary diagnoses are rheumatoid arthritis and narcolepsy, with secondary interstitial cystitis and irritable bowel syndrome. Our running joke is: One more diagnosis, and I’ll have my own alphabet soup (RA, IC, IBS)! I also experience depression, PTSD and anxiety, which have worsened since I started “getting sick.”

I resented you when you first showed up, chronic illness. And honestly? There are still times where I resent your presence and everything it means. I hate all the things you’ve stolen from me, but more importantly, all the happiness I’ve let you take. I despise the impact you’ve had on me, my relationships and my body.

But…

BUT.

Your arrival has changed my life in many positive ways, and for that, I must thank you. You’ve strengthened my relationship with my fiance, even while you’ve made life harder. Without your pushing your way into my life, I wouldn’t have found how strong I truly can be. I wouldn’t have met some of the most precious people I’ve ever known. I wouldn’t have followed my dreams.

I do hate how your presence means a revolving schedule of doctor appointments, medications, and sleepless nights. I don’t like our days spent curled up on the couch together or the times you keep me from my favorite activities.

But I have to admit I like how life has slowed down for me since you’ve been here. I am grateful for your forcing me to stop and smell the roses. Without you, I’d probably still be rushing about; now I know how to appreciate the quieter pace. When you came along and showed me how short and hard life can be, you taught me to treat every day as a gift, and I’ve tried very hard to do that.

Overall, I suppose I’m grateful for all you’ve taught me, though I wouldn’t say no if you wanted to take your leave. You’ve made me stronger and more compassionate, even while your pain feels as though it’s tearing me apart. The conundrum that is our relationship is both a blessing and a curse. And I suppose that’s the way it must be.

In closing, I must thank you for changing my life. For all the good, and yes, the bad as well. I suppose you’re now very much a part of me, and I don’t quite know what I’d do without you.

Keep on living, I guess.

A version of this post originally appeared on Becomin Neurotic.

The Mighty is asking its readers the following: Describe the moment someone changed the way you think about disability and/or illness. If you’d like to participate, please send a blog post to [email protected] Please include a photo for the piece, a photo of yourself and 1-2 sentence bio. Check out our “Share Your Story” page for more about our submission guidelines.

Lead photo source: Thinkstock Images

TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Related to Arthritis

Why I See My Rheumatoid Arthritis as a Blessing Even Through the Pain

“Let’s hope it’s broken.” This strange response to my swollen hand left my mom and me confused. Granted, we were sitting in the doctor’s office of a well-respected hand surgeon. Could it be he was excited about the opportunity of doing surgery? But then why did he look so concerned? He really wanted my hand [...]

Photographer Captures Reality of His Dad’s Alzheimer’s in Striking Series

For Mark Seymour, photography is more than just a profession or passion. It helped him cope with his father’s last few years of life. When his dad, Ronnie Seymour, was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s disease five years ago, what had begun as Mark Seymour photographing his parents’ daily lives turned into a way to face and document his father’s [...]

8 Ways to Ask (and Not Ask) About Why I Look Different

A friend recently asked me, “Lisa, how do you want people to approach the fact that you look different? What exactly would you like people to do or say when they meet you and are interested in learning about your disease (scleroderma)?” I’ve gotta say, it’s a stumper! Humans are curious creatures. It’s natural and healthy [...]

When the Doctor Told Us We Would Outlive Our Daughter

There are few times in life that I can honestly say I nearly lost all faith. Faith in everything — time, logic, even God. Having no faith is like having no air in your lungs, no blood in your body, no place to go, no reason for anything, simply existing without purpose. That is what it [...]