To the Friends I've Lost Because of My Depression


To the friends I’ve lost,

Depression sucks. To not have the strength to pick yourself up out of bed; to feel like everything you do requires 110 percent of energy you just don’t have; to at times feel incredible, excruciating pain and at others feel absolutely nothing at all; to want to die because you feel it would take more effort to live this worthless existence; to crave a feeling, any feeling, to the point where you would self harm just to bring yourself back down to reality; depression is exhausting. I didn’t ask for it, nor would I wish it upon my worst enemies.

I get that from an outsider’s perspective it’s hard to watch someone go through something you have no control over. The depression took a toll not just on me but on you as well. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. But I don’t regret going through depression; on the contrary, it showed me who I am and who you are not.

You’re not the friends who stuck by my side through thick and thin. You’re not the friends who held my hand and told me you loved me as I was admitted several times to the psych ward for attempted suicide. You’re not the friends who texted, called and visited me to make sure I knew I had your support and that you were there for me no matter what. You are, however, the friends who told me you needed space because I was too much to handle. You’re the friends who, when the worst was yet to come, ran far away. You’re the friends who told me you couldn’t be friends with me because you can’t handle my sickness. You’re the friends who are no longer my friends. 

I should thank you, though. You saved me the effort and time I would have spent figuring this out for however long you would have stuck around had I not gone through depression. I know who my true friend are; I know I’m a hell of a lot stronger. I may only be able to count my friends on one hand, but I can also count on myself; I realized through my depression that I’m unbreakable. Try as you might, nothing can knock me down. Despite my worst days, when I thought it was all ending, I made it through. I’m proud to say I have a 100 percent completion rate of every day I’ve lived. My story is not over.

So thank you for not showing up. There wasn’t space for you anyways. I wish you the best.

Sincerely,

Your former friend

The author standing in a garden with flowers.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

The Inner Dialogue of a Mom With Depression

Is it morning already? I barely slept last night, my body aches. The alarm clock is about to beep, just a reminder of what awaits. My bed is warm. It’s comforting here. No one is needing me, yet. Maybe I could turn off the alarm clock and over sleep? No. My husband has to work and can’t take [...]
Three adults, one man and two women, embracing and smiling for the camera, in front of a bridge over water

Dear Dave Grohl, Thank You For Saving My Life

Dear Dave Grohl, I’ve written many thank you letters in my life, but never have I received a gift as precious as the one you don’t even know you gave my family. One year ago, my daughter told her counselor she wanted to end her life. Her plan was to stand in front of the [...]

45 People With Depression Who Aren't Just Sulking in a Corner

What do people with depression look like? exhibit A exhibit B According to Google images, stock photo sites and even some antidepressant commercials, people with depression spend all day sitting in dark rooms and sulking in corners. And while yes, depressive symptoms sometimes manifest in this way (hey, there’s nothing wrong with occasional corner sulking), this [...]

Why I’m Finally ‘Outing’ My Depression to My Family

Sometimes, I feel like a double agent. In one life, I can talk about my depression freely and get help from those who support me. In the other, I keep it hidden, like it’s a kitten I’m not allowed to have in my dorm room. For as long as I can remember, while I’ve been comfortable sharing [...]