To the People Who Tell Me to Be More Positive About My Chronic Illness
I do not expect to find a cure.
But I hope to.
I do not expect to get better.
But I hope to.
I do not expect you to understand.
But I hope you do.
It does not make me feel better to hear, “You really just need to be positive” because positivity will not make me feel better. It will not cure me. So many medications, doctors, treatments and suggestions got my hopes up. I was told just more water, just more salt, physical therapy, steroids. I was under the impression if I just listened and did what the doctors told me, I’d be better, maybe completely “normal” even. So I did what they told me to do. But I never got the results I thought I would. I got my hopes up just for them to be dropped right on top of me, crushing me. I’ve cried, I’ve gotten angry, then realized that wasn’t going to help me, either.
The moment I learned to accept my chronic illness was the moment I felt I finally found myself. I no longer felt the need to fight against it, to push myself until I passed out, because it’s hard fighting against something that just keeps winning. By “winning” I mean it’s winning the battle, not the war, because no, I will never let it get the best of me. I will never let it get me down for long, but it’d be a complete lie if I didn’t admit it knocked me down sometimes (literally).
I guess it is reasonable to argue that I’m not optimistic because I don’t continue to remind myself I will get better. I will get back to a life of “normalcy.” But if that’s reasonable to argue, then it’s reasonable for me to argue that I’m not a pessimist. Pessimists have no hope — I hope to get better and I hope to find a cure. I continue to hope, but I’m not going to keep telling myself I will find a cure or I will get better just to get let down if that never happens. I know it’s hard to tell in my case, but pessimistic and realistic are not the same.
Having a realistic outlook on things has helped my quality of life more than any treatment thus far. I’m happier, and who is anyone to try and take someone’s happiness away? I understand how it can seem depressing to some not to expect to ever find a cure, but hope keeps me holding on. I will always hope, and that’s what’s important. There’s no “right” way to cope with chronic illness, but there are wrong ways. If my way is what’s kept me happiest, then who are you (especially without a chronic illness) to tell me it’s the wrong way?
The Mighty is asking the following: Write a letter to anyone you wish had a better understanding of your experience with disability, disease or mental illness. If you’d like to participate, please send a blog post to [email protected] Please include a photo for the piece, a photo of yourself and 1-2 sentence bio. Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.