A Letter to My Past Suicidal Thoughts
You’ve plagued me for as long as I can remember. You’ve stopped me from doing things I wanted to do. You’ve stopped me from relying on friends. You and your friend depression have ripped away my confidence in everything.
Why am I here? I ask this on a daily basis. You come to me in the nighttime and steal away my energy. You never gave me the chance. You tell me to stay in my room when the sun is shining. You say I’m never good enough for people. You say I’ll never be worthy of the love people give me. You say the future doesn’t have anything to wait for. You say I’ll never fulfill my dreams. You remind me every day not to have hope. You say a man will never love me for who I am. You stop me from loving my imperfections and make me detest my faults, as if they were the only part of me.
This is what you tell me, suicidal thoughts. But this is what I want to tell myself:
You are special. You will fail in this life but I beg of you get back up. Ask for help when you need it. Turn away the pride. Help those in need because they will always be there. Always believe you are worth it and you will somehow change the world, because you will. Haters are always gonna hate, but believe in yourself. Don’t take the easy way out. Struggle, struggle with all your might and conquer. Remember you are loved, even if you don’t feel like it. Even if you feel like you could die today and no one would care. Never stop trying because you will do something incredible someday. It will be hard. It will hurt. It will feel like your bones are breaking and your soul is crushed. Be strong. I believe in you and love you. I can’t wait to cheer you on every day I can.
Suicidal thoughts, this is goodbye for now. I’m not as naïve to think we won’t meet again. That you won’t charm me with your army of falsehoods. It isn’t my choice to live in the world of mental illness. Life will always be up and down, but the reason I’m writing this to you is to say I will fight. I will fight against everything. I will fight you in the best way I can.
I will admit, some days I will lose. I will swim in the endless ocean of depression and the lies that come with it. However, there are battles I will win. Little victories that will add up in time. I don’t believe you anymore. I am worth it.
One day I will look in the mirror and love myself, and I hope you do, too.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
The Crisis Text Line is looking for volunteers! If you’re interesting in becoming a Crisis Counselor, you can learn more information here.
The Mighty is asking its readers the following: If you could write a letter to the disability or disease you (or a loved one) face, what would you say to it? If you’d like to participate, please send a blog post to [email protected] Please include a photo for the piece, a photo of yourself and 1-2 sentence bio. Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.