The Love Letter I Wish I Didn't Have to Write My Husband

Sunday is Valentine’s Day. The 12th one I will spend with my husband. We are so lucky we met. We are so lucky we are still together. But I wish things were different.

Here is my love letter to him:

To my kind, smart, funny, patient and geeky husband,

We met in geek heaven. You were my loyal Samwise Gamgee, and I was your elusive Elven Queen. We planned on spending many happy and healthy years together, despite me having a few health problems such as interstitial cystitis, endometriosis and asthma. We had lots of energy when we met; we had lots of plans.

We had a child quickly due to our age. We tried to have a second one for five years. You stood by me throughout my five miscarriages. You cared for me and our beautiful daughter when I did not have the energy to do it myself. You helped mend my broken heart.

You were there to welcome our son exuberantly. You stuck by me while I sorted out my premenstrual dysmorphic disorder post-pregnancy. You always kept up hope that things would get better. That my health would improve enough for us to start planning things and start living again.

Then disaster struck in the form of Lyme disease. For the last two and a half years, it has been our Mordor. Difficult to navigate, impossible to climb. We felt like little hobbits alone in the wilderness, and like Samwise, you never left your Frodo’s side.

I wouldn’t have blamed you if you did. I feel like it’s hard on you having to work full-time, be my caretaker and help take care of our two young children. It sometimes takes its toll. I can see it in your eyes. I can tell how tired you are.

You strive to keep making us laugh when you might feel sad inside. You brought me many meals while I was in bed for nearly a year. You bring me my medicine. You are my lifeline. You are my best friend.

Sometimes, Obi Wan, you are my only hope.

Couple hugging. The woman is wearing a white sweater, and the man is wearing a black sweater. Both of them are in jeans.

When I grew up, I dreamed of the man on the white horse. I longed to meet my prince, my Sydney Carton, my Romeo, my Aragorn. Men who would love me more than anything else in the world. Men who would protect me and do almost anything for me. Men who would give their lives for me.

But none of those fictional heroes could hold a candle to you. You prove to me on a daily basis what a true hero is. He is not from a work of literature, he is not a big action movie star and he does not have to be bigger than life. He just has to be like you. Genuine, compassionate, faithful, flawed and wonderful.

You prove to me daily what true love is. It is not flowers; it is not gifts or chocolates.

It is loving someone with every inch of your soul without losing sight of yours. It is moving on from other things and opening up new doors. It is sharing in their joy and helping them through their pain. It is helping them see the bright side of things throughout the constant rain. It is hope for the future and nostalgia for the past. It is sticking by someone’s side and making your love last. It is baby steps and windy roads. It is full of light and heavy loads. It is endless happiness and times of tears. It is how I intend to spend the rest of my years.

I am sorry I do not currently live up to the expectations I set for myself as your wife. I did not intend to suffer from so many chronic illnesses. But I did intend to love you with all of my heart. I will not stop trying.

I do intend to get better. I do look forward to that day. But for now, I want you to know I notice all the things you do for me. I know you silently pray at night for me to feel better, and for my pain to end. I know you wish you could take it away.

I see it, feel it, hear it and treasure all of it. Even though I do not always acknowledge it.

I am writing this letter to show my appreciation for all you have done for me, and all you will do for me. I hope you know how much I love and admire you.

I hope you know how glad I am that I chose you to be my husband. I hope you know what a great father you are.

I am the luckiest woman in the world.

Happy Valentine’s Day.

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Lyme Disease

The Love Letter I Wish I Didn't Have to Write My Husband