The Simple Question That's Hard for Me as an NICU Mom

“How old is your baby?”

Just a regular question that many people ask when they come across a cute, warm, chubby baby.

For NICU moms, it’s a hard one.

For a start, there are multiple ages to think about. There is our babies’ chronological age, which is the number of days, weeks or months since our babies were born into this world. And then there is their corrected age, which is their chronological age minus weeks (or months) premature. For the first two years of their life, development is often measured using their corrected age.

This means that although it has been almost nine months since our son Oliver was born, he has not met the milestones or developed to the point of a full-term 9-month-old baby. He will have reached this point when he is 9 months corrected, which in chronological age will be 13 months old. Then, once a preemie reaches 2 years of age corrected, we can go back to counting their age chronologically, because in general most preemies should have caught up on their milestones by this point. Confused yet?

The hardest part, however, is how prepared we are to go into our story with whoever has asked us this question. It’s an emotional story, regardless of your journey, and some days we are prepared to stop and talk to someone about it all, to take the time and think about it, and some days it’s all a bit too hard and we may not feel like we can.

This is where the two ages come in.

If we say he’s 9 months old, we may be met with, “Gosh, what a tiny baby!”

This can hurt a little because we know how very, very tiny he used to be, and how very, very far he has come.

If we say he’s 5 months old, we may get, “Gosh, he’s very alert and mobile for a 5-month-old!” And some of us will still get the tiny baby comment, because many preemies are slow growers — and that’s sometimes even harder to hear because we all work so hard at feeding.

If you’re in a good head space and can stomach rehashing the last few months, then you may take a deep breath and say, “He’s 5 months corrected, but he’s also 9 months old. This is where he came from…”

If you’re tired and emotional and not ready for it today, then you may take a deep breath and say, “He’s 5 months old,” and leave it at that.

Oliver has been out in the world 9 months, much longer than he was in my belly. It feels like the time that he was inside me was minuscule. I had barely a moment to feel the kicks and never got to feel the hiccoughs under my skin. Yet it feels like the time he’s been out here has been huge, life-changing.

I’m sure some days we will manage to answer this question well, and others not so well. But moms, I want you to know, I don’t think your babies will mind if you use their corrected age so that you can smile and keep walking without diving deep into your story. And on the days you do feel strong enough to tell it, they are there to smile up at you, cuddle you and be the miracle we all know they are.

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