When Depression Comes to Visit


Yesterday she came to visit, and as always, she was not invited.

She was, as usual, ruthless and relentless with her words, telling you that you will never get better, and for some reason yesterday, you actually believed her.

She reminded you, like she always does, that she hates you and has gotten to the point where she despises you. She says there is no beauty around you, even in your children’s eyes. She tells you they would be better off without you, and that one day you will only be a distant memory to them.

She reminds you of the things she has temporarily stolen from you: your smile, your zest for life, your inner peace, your happiness, your ability to love fully and your inner light.

She laughs that your social skills become non-existent because that allows her to trap you in isolation where she can tear you down further, and there is nothing you can do. With her she brings pain, tears, despair, fear, darkness and hopelessness.

She encourages self-hate, suicidal thoughts and physical and emotional pain.

She tells you that if you tell anyone, they will think you are “crazy” and that you should be ashamed of what you have become.

She grows stronger when she sees she has such control over your mind. When you realize this, you become willing to do anything to escape her, even if it’s taking your life. She is the definition of darkness — a thief, a heartless and worthless monster, but you can’t get rid of her no matter how hard you try. So you sit with her and cry and pray for the day to be over so she will leave you alone.

Late at night, she finally allows you to fall asleep because she has claimed defeat on your soul for that day.

When you wake up in the morning, you are afraid to open your eyes because you are praying she is gone. After a few moments of peace and quiet, you realize she is gone.

You feel as though you were hit by a Mack truck and feel this overwhelming emotional hangover from her visit the day before. But even though you are more tired than you have ever been, you are grateful she is gone.

There is a little bit of fear in your heart that she will come visit again, because she always does, but you know in these moments — free from her grip — you can work on getting stronger.

You are a little bit braver than you were the day before she came to visit, and you are also more courageous. This type of resiliency and strength will help you in the future when she stops by, and hopefully next time she won’t stay as long.

If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.

Lead photo source: Thinkstock Images


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

4 Things I Wish Someone Told Me When I Was Struggling With Depression

I’ve been meaning for some time to write a piece reflecting on my experience with a severe bout of depression last year. I had struggled with depression since my early adolescence, but a bad reaction to (ironically) the antidepressant I was taking put me into the worst state of physical and mental depression I’ve ever [...]

A Letter to My Depression

I hate you for coming into my life and taking away far too many years. I hate you for poisoning my mind during my teenage years. I hate you for the opportunities I missed because you told me I wasn’t worth it. I hate you for fighting against all of the medication, therapy and positive steps [...]

The Facebook Message That Showed Me How Unaccepting People Can Be of Invisible Illness

I have what many consider to be an invisible illness: major depressive disorder. In fact, some people don’t consider it an illness at all, instead choosing to think of it as a personal failing. I didn’t worry too much about those people, thinking that they were in the minority — until a friend who also [...]

When You're Tired of Being Brave Facing Depression

The other night when I was going to bed, I told my fiancee I wasn’t sure I could “do another day like today.” He quickly asked me what I meant, and I had to run away because I wasn’t brave enough to say it out loud: I can’t take pain like this again for one [...]