Yesterday she came to visit, and as always, she was not invited.
She was, as usual, ruthless and relentless with her words, telling you that you will never get better, and for some reason yesterday, you actually believed her.
She reminded you, like she always does, that she hates you and has gotten to the point where she despises you. She says there is no beauty around you, even in your children’s eyes. She tells you they would be better off without you, and that one day you will only be a distant memory to them.
She reminds you of the things she has temporarily stolen from you: your smile, your zest for life, your inner peace, your happiness, your ability to love fully and your inner light.
She laughs that your social skills become non-existent because that allows her to trap you in isolation where she can tear you down further, and there is nothing you can do. With her she brings pain, tears, despair, fear, darkness and hopelessness.
She encourages self-hate, suicidal thoughts and physical and emotional pain.
She tells you that if you tell anyone, they will think you are “crazy” and that you should be ashamed of what you have become.
She grows stronger when she sees she has such control over your mind. When you realize this, you become willing to do anything to escape her, even if it’s taking your life. She is the definition of darkness — a thief, a heartless and worthless monster, but you can’t get rid of her no matter how hard you try. So you sit with her and cry and pray for the day to be over so she will leave you alone.
Late at night, she finally allows you to fall asleep because she has claimed defeat on your soul for that day.
When you wake up in the morning, you are afraid to open your eyes because you are praying she is gone. After a few moments of peace and quiet, you realize she is gone.
You feel as though you were hit by a Mack truck and feel this overwhelming emotional hangover from her visit the day before. But even though you are more tired than you have ever been, you are grateful she is gone.
There is a little bit of fear in your heart that she will come visit again, because she always does, but you know in these moments — free from her grip — you can work on getting stronger.
You are a little bit braver than you were the day before she came to visit, and you are also more courageous. This type of resiliency and strength will help you in the future when she stops by, and hopefully next time she won’t stay as long.
If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
Lead photo source: Thinkstock Images
Courtney has a major in Communications and a minor in Psychology from the University of Arizona. She is a Spiritual Life Coach, Mindfulness Teacher and a Published Writer. Courtney is a mental health advocate and her goal is to start healing the perception regarding mental health by sharing her story and bringing light to the subject. She blogs at Happiness, Love and Light. You can visit her website and Facebook page to learn more.
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