To a Friend Who Is Losing Hope: This Is What I Can Guarantee
You said it didn’t matter. Not a single moment, not a single instance of your life mattered. You said you were ready to go, to leave. You said we didn’t really care, that we just wanted to wipe our hands clean of the blood that will surely flow before the end of the night. You said we were strong and we’d get over it quickly. You said we didn’t care. You said I didn’t care.
Every bone in my body wanted to object, to drive the two hours to get to you before the solid ground did. I wanted to get offended, to take it personally. I wanted to believe that all my work was for naught, that our friendship really meant nothing to you. But I couldn’t do that, because I remembered. I remember standing on the same ledge, with the same thoughts and feelings. I stood in a world without hope, without love, and it felt like all that existed was the endless pain that would never go away. You didn’t matter then, just like I don’t matter now.
I’m not going to tell you the same things I heard on that ledge. Voices telling me to step down, to remember better times, that the future holds a better view than the crappy one I see. I won’t tell you those things because there was no stepping down, except to go down. There were no better times, some of us are born in misery and it’s all we’ve ever known. And the future, it felt like the future couldn’t hold anything worth not taking that step. I understand those things, you probably won’t believe me but I do.
But here’s the truth. I’m not sure how the world will be after you’re gone. I don’t know if it’ll be a better place or not. I can’t guarantee I’ll survive it but, I also can’t guarantee I won’t be able to do something with this tragedy. I don’t know how this’ll affect me, because I rarely know how the morning will, or the night or my next meal, I can’t even begin to comprehend losing a friend. Because you are a friend, I can guarantee that. I can also guarantee that even if life is easier without you, it won’t be better. Everything else is hearsay.
I can guarantee that better does exist, but I can’t guarantee that you’ll reach it. I can guarantee that someone out there can use you in their lives. But I can’t guarantee if you will reach them. They might be on a ledge of their own, or they might be someone that lost someone to the ledge and they need you. Or it can be a billion different possibilities. I can guarantee that.
I can also guarantee my life would not be the same if you weren’t a part of it. I would not be writing about ledges and enjoying the view instead of thinking of stepping off. I would not be the me I am at this very moment if it weren’t for you. That I can guarantee. I can’t guarantee I wouldn’t have gotten here eventually, but it can never be the same. You are one in 400 quadrillion, I could never replace you. That I can guarantee.
If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.
The Crisis Text Line is looking for volunteers! If you’re interesting in becoming a Crisis Counselor, you can learn more information here.
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