When Depression Makes You Want to Avoid Everyone... Including Your Therapist
This is one of those days where I just want to crawl into my Little Mermaid onesie, turn the A/C down really low, watch “Star Wars” and cuddle with my dogs. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve either gotten more introverted or just realized more how introverted I’ve been all along. Some days I just can’t deal with people. Some days I feel like I should not be forced to interact with the general public. I just want to embrace my weirdness and indulge myself in the little things that make me happy. However, I’m a grownup, and I have to go to work.
On top of my normal anxiety, I’ve been having some physical and emotional issues lately related to my PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). It may affect my ability to get pregnant, which I thought maybe I was earlier this month. I took a pregnancy test right before my birthday when I was over a week late… negative. I was experiencing all of the symptoms of early pregnancy (and I mean all of them), but after taking a blood test at my OBGYN… negative again. I didn’t realize until that point how badly I want a baby and how scared I am that I won’t be able to have one.
The emotional implications of going through this have been weighing on me big time. My anxiety has been worse than normal and I feel like I might be going through a little bout of depression. As open as I am about mental health, it still hurts a little piece of me to admit this. Depression is still one of those things you just don’t talk about. It makes you feel broken to think about people looking at you as someone who battles depression… which makes you more depressed. I don’t want to feel broken. I’ve survived too much to feel broken from this. At some point, maybe I’ll delve into that; now is not the time. I’ve learned to not dig down into past trauma when I’m already feeling vulnerable to what I’m going to start call the ‘pression monster (it makes it sound less awful to me if I make it into a funny name like Tom does on “Parks and Recreation”).
What makes it even worse is that I have a really hard time verbalizing all of this — to anyone. I can type it or write it, but actually having to talk about it… I just freeze up. I can’t seem to explain myself correctly, which makes me frustrated and more upset. I’ve been going to therapy and have been treated for anxiety for a little over a year now. I’m proud of the progress I’ve made and the fact that I’ve addressed what’s going on with my mental health. Therapy helps, even though sometimes I get to therapy and don’t know what to say to my therapist. The conversation starts out with her asking me how things are going and me saying, “Fine I guess, I don’t know.” Eventually, she gets me to start rooting out the issues really bothering me, but I just don’t even know where to start sometimes.
What I’m finally realizing, though, is that just being there is a start. Just getting myself to therapy when I don’t feel like talking to anyone is progress, and progress is something to celebrate. I fully endorse you allowing yourselves some time to re-charge and not talk to anyone if you’re just not feeling it, but don’t close yourself off completely. If you’re anything like me, sometimes you get trapped inside of your head. You’re over-thinking and over-analyzing every aspect of your life. This isn’t something I like to let go on for too long. It takes me down the yellow brick road of depression and leads me to places I don’t need to be, re-living trauma and questioning every decision I’ve ever made.
Wear your weird pajamas, watch your favorite movies, give yourself the luxury of silence… and then go talk to someone about what you’re going through. It could save your life.
If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
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