The most common misconception about depression I’ve faced is the one where happiness is alien to us.
It is not. At least not for myself.
I can see it around me, and I can feel it at appropriate moments too. I will laugh at a funny joke, and I will enjoy myself at places where I can feel freedom to do so. Just because I am depressed, does not mean I am unable to feel joy. But I am scared of feeling this euphoria — scared because I know deep down, that after this moment passes, I will be once again falling down the rabbit hole of despair, loneliness and self-loathing, and it will seem 50 times worse because I would have had a shot of joy.
So do I avoid moments of happiness? The answer is no. It seems highly impossible to avoid moments of joy; it could simply be an advertisement that makes me smile or a phone call that brightens up my day. No, I will not avoid it. I will not inhibit myself from feeling alive. I spend most of my days questioning my existence and asking myself if this is all worth it. Sometimes, it feels like I should say, “No.” But I thrive and fight on because I long to not only have moments of happiness, but a life of happiness.
I will get the answers I desire one day. Maybe not in a few days or even in a few weeks, but I know I will not be like this for ever. This dark cloud will wash away, and I will fight for the happiness I desire, instead of feeling anger or jealous toward a passerby with a smile on his face.
Happiness will not be an emotion I feel only at specific times, but an emotion I feel about my life.
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Kyle is a 22-year-old who loves cooking, reading poetry and novels and listening to all types of music. Writing is his passion and with it, he will try to decrease the stigma around mental illness, and show the world how truly amazing the community is. He is currently a trainee Gestalt Psychotherapist.
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