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The Pain of Being Suicidal

I want to start off by saying this is in no way meant to minimize, downplay or write off anyone’s pain because as we all know, pain is pain no matter what it is. 

At 19 years old, I have already experienced what feels like the worst pain in the world.

“The worst pain in the world.” What exactly is that?

Some might be skeptical of it because they cannot see it. 

The worst pain I’ve ever felt, the worst pain in the world, is the mental pain that made me try to kill myself. 

Anyone who has ever attempted suicide knows what I’m talking about. It’s hard to fully grasp the concept that mental pain could be the worst pain possible unless you’ve felt it yourself. Pain is different for everyone, and anyone can empathize, but you will never truly understand a type of pain until you actually feel it. I probably wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t experienced it, but now I know. I have broken a bone before, I cracked one of my ribs, and that was not even a speck of pain compared to what I was feeling when I tried to end my life.

The pain is indescribable. It isn’t really stabbing or burning. You might feel some physical pain. My heart felt like it was constantly being crushed. I have felt suicidal many times, but all of them pale in comparison to the one time I actually acted on it. It’s a unique kind of unbearable pain, when you feel like the only solution is to end your life, when no drug or treatment will ease what ails you.

The pain of being suicidal is endless yet numbing. It encompasses everything so nothing matters except the pain of existing and enduring the torture of simply being alive. When you reach the point of that pain your other pains have left you. Your broken bone that screams through you is numbed. That broken heart you nurse has been shattered beyond repair and does not matter at all. The things that previously kept you alive, the possibility of life getting better, not wanting to hurt the people you love with your death, worrying about whether or not your brother will be the one to find your body, all of those concerns that kept you from ending it mean nothing anymore because this pain you feel in the moment makes nothing, nothing matter, except relief. Relief from the unending torture, peace at last, blissful nothingness.

And from the deepest part of my scarred heart, I hope you never feel it. 

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

The Crisis Text Line is looking for volunteers! If you’re interesting in becoming a Crisis Counselor, you can learn more information here.