The Ugly Truth of Major Depressive Disorder


Unfortunately I know the difference between living and surviving my life.

My definition of living would be waking up, getting out of bed and doing the normal steps of the morning without pain and discomfort and an overwhelming sense of dread.

When you are surviving your life, each small step that seems to come so easily to most human beings feel like the hardest task you have ever had to do. That is what I feel like when my depression is at a bad low.

There is no joy, no ease and no hope.

Each step I am taking has 1,000 thoughts of why I should just go back to bed and forget about making any attempts. Everything hurts. Heaviness on my heart, heaviness in my head, a black and dark sadness in my eyes and soul.

The most difficult part is the pretending I am OK, pretending I am capable of being present without this burning desire to retreat back to isolation where I feel safest, where I feel I can be how I truly want to be. Alone in my despair and dread.

The negative thoughts coming at a rapid pace are too much to handle and make the focus on anything I need to get done pretty much awful. The self-hate, the doom, the hopelessness feels all too familiar, and that is not a good thing because it makes me realize my quality of life is really not that great. Which leads me to start the great depressive debate where I question my existence and the never-present feelings of peace and content.

My prayers for days like this are the following:

1. Please help me.

2. Please nobody ask me how I am.

3. Please let me go back to bed and sleep away this pain.

4. Please explain to me why I am not getting any better and only worse.

This energy, life-sucking disease has its stronghold on me, and I am completely aware of this, but there is nothing I can do. No magic solution. No gratitude list or telling myself to “just be happy” because nothing works.

You just hang on and try to recall what it feels like to be at least able to drive down the street without fear and angst.

This is what it is. This is the ugly truth. There is no sugar coating because being honest about it may help someone else who is too petrified to tell their truth about this experience.

This is the no-matter-what depression I speak about. This is the “if you looked at my life on the outside” and then read these words you would not think they belonged to the same person. But they do. Even though every part of my heart and soul wants it not to be, it’s what lives inside of me.

My hope is that one day something will work, something will change, something will take this black and dark pain, something will lighten this up somehow.

But until then, I wait. I try to pretend I am strong enough to handle this because that is my only option. This is what it is, and unless I accept it, I magnify the amounts of suffering I endure.

This is not a “please feel sorry for me” type of thing. This is just a clear window into my experience with Major Depressive Disorder. I’m doing this so if someone in your life has it, you can stand beside them while they try to slay this disease and you can remind them you love them.

If you or someone you know needs help, please visit the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. You can also reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741. Head here for a list of crisis centers around the world.

The Crisis Text Line is looking for volunteers! If you’re interesting in becoming a Crisis Counselor, you can learn more information here.


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Major Depressive Disorder

To the Anorexia That Overtook My Mom

Dear anorexia, You probably don’t remember me, but I met you through my mom. I was a teenager when you came into our home and changed everything. You started because she had a medical condition that made her cut back on food, but later you became a full force of control. My mom used you as a way [...]

J.K Rowling Responds to the Request of a Fan Who Self-Harms

J.K. Rowling has never shied away from talking about her own experiences with depression, and has even been known to respond to fans going through a difficult time. But on Wednesday, the “Harry Potter” author might have outdone herself. Twitter user @AlwaysJLover tweeted at Rowling with the following note: @jk_rowling this won’t take long, I promise.. I’ve been through (and [...]

A Letter to My Husband, From a Woman With Bipolar Disorder

To my selfless, patient, empathetic soul mate, I have so much I want to say to you, and then I have nothing at all to say to you. What I mean is, I want tell you every single thought that processes through my mind, but sometimes I can’t put them into words you’ll understand. But [...]
woman looking out a window

I Mistook the Effects of My Sexual Assault for Depression

At 13 I was as innocent as could be. I had a tainted vocabulary and sense of humor; but it was nothing unusual for a young teen discovering who she was. On the weekends, I was often with friends on the beautiful streets of my hometown. An abundance of small shops and cafes kept us busy most [...]