3 Simple Ways to Feel Calmer If You're Struggling This Week
Many of us are struggling with feelings of overwhelm, anxiety, low self-esteem and depression. These feelings are uncomfortable, sad and painful. Some weeks it can feel as though our heads are barely above water trying to keep up with it all. This week, try to do the following three exercises, and if you like them, continue to incorporate them into your day. You may notice that as you start to use them daily, you might start to feel more calm and peaceful even amongst the noise.
1. Notice and allow yourself to feel gratitude every day.
It sounds so simple, but it makes a big difference in improving how you feel. When I first came back from living in a village in West Africa for six months, I was overjoyed with gratitude for such simple things like how green the grass was, how comfortable my bed was and how amazing an ice cold glass of water tastes on a hot day. Renee Jain from Go Zen states, “research suggests memories of certain unpleasant experiences can become progressively magnified in our mind which, in turn, leads to rumination and negative thinking. Fortunately, these studies also demonstrate that expressing gratitude makes us more likely to remember positive memories and can even transform neutral and negative memories into positive ones.”
Every day, spend some time reflecting on what you feel grateful for and write it down in a journal, or even in the notes section of your smart phone. Really allow yourself to feel how truly grateful you are. It can be for warm flannel sheets, the nice lady who served you at the coffee shop or the beauty of the reflection of the sky on a pond. As you start noticing and thinking about what there is to be grateful for, it can start to expand.
2. Practice self-compassion.
Self-compassion can make a tremendous difference in how you feel. So many people I meet are so kind, gentle and loving, but sadly they do not give that back to themselves. They get upset with their appearance, their mistakes, their pain and their perceived flaws. I understand there are many painful emotions, and things happen that really, really hurt us. As part of the human condition, we will continue to experience happiness, joy and pain. Self-compassion can help us to be with the pain.
Self-compassion is not the same as self-pity or being self-indulgent. Self-compassion means validating the difficult time you are experiencing and responding to yourself with kindness instead of criticism. As Dr. Kristin Neff explains, “First of all, when we relate to ourselves kindly even when we’ve behaved badly, it’s safe to face the truth about ourselves. We don’t need to deny what we’ve done or distort the storyline so that we blame anyone other than ourselves for what happened. Mea culpa. I can own up to it, because even though my behavior might have been bad, that doesn’t mean that I am bad. I can own up to what I’ve done without fear, because admitting responsibility doesn’t require throwing myself off the cliff of harsh self-condemnation.”
This week, whenever you notice yourself saying things to yourself such as “Why did I do something so stupid?” or “I hate the way I look,” just stop for a moment and see how those words make you feel. Then try to practice being encouraging to yourself. For example, you might use self-compassionate talk to say, “OK, I’m not feeling so great because of a mistake I made. I really want to beat myself about it, but that would just made me feel worse. The truth is I’m a human and we all make many mistakes in life. Mistakes are to humans as leaves are to trees, it’s simply a part of who we are. I will not judge myself for making a mistake, any more than I would judge a tree for having leaves. Making mistakes is just a part of all of us, a part of being a human. My self-worth has nothing to do with how many mistakes I make. Making a mistake does not make me a bad person.” Write these statements on cue cards (I call them my self-compassion cards) and carry them with you, so you can read them to yourself when you feel overwhelmed.
3. Do something pleasurable just for you every single day.
We go through life with many things we have to do such as get children ready for school, make lunches, go to our jobs, etc. It is important to balance ourselves by adding some small pleasures into our day. Every single day, write in your agenda — just like a scheduled appointment — something enjoyable you are going to do just for you. These can be small pleasures such a buying yourself a bouquet of flowers, talking a walk in nature, having a cup of your favorite coffee or tea, getting a massage, reading a great book, having lunch with someone special (or maybe even with just yourself) or going to a movie. Just make sure you pick something for every day this week, and that you allow yourself this pleasure. Not only is rest and self-care important (it’s actually essential for those of us with anxiety), but honoring that commitment to yourself gives you the message that you are worth it. And really, you are.
Wishing you all a beautiful week!
Andrea Andrea Addington, MSW, RSW specializes in anxiety counseling in her private practice in Moncton, New Brunswick. For more information about Andrea, visit www.andreaaddington.com.