To the Friends Who've Stayed Through My Anxiety

I know my anxiety can be annoying.

The constant reassurance, the questions, the shaking, and so much more.

But I’m trying.

I know it may not seem like it because lately most of my days have involved me hiding away or just silently sitting there, but believe me, I am.

To my friends who have seen me shake uncontrollably and struggle to breathe, yet still stood by my side, thank you.

To the ones who do more than just stand there and wait for me to calm myself down, I love you.

But there’s also a big part of me that just wants to apologize — for all those times you witnessed me go from calm into a full on panic. For that time you had to listen to me ramble on and on till 4 a.m. about bullsh*t because we both thought talking would help calm me down. And especially for all the times I needed you to reassure me we are OK.

I want to apologize, but I was told I never should say sorry for the things I can’t control. I know you love me, and I know I am always welcome; but sometimes that feeling telling me I’m not needed is louder than your love, and it causes me to hide away or look for reassurance.

I never forget the first time someone sees one of my panic attacks. Confusion and worry fill their face, and I am always left embarrassed and filled with shame, but it’s the handful of people who actually decide to stick around and figure out how to help that make me want to get better.

I know I can be a handful. I know you never know how I am going to react to something. I know you always have to worry if I am being “too quiet” or even just straight up disappearing from events without letting anyone know, but I know, even at my lowest I can call on you for help.

You may not fully understand what’s going on in my head, and I may never be able to fully explain it as more than just a “feeling,” but the fact that you decide to continue to stick around means the world to me.

I don’t say this enough, but I love you.