When You're Sick of Being Inside Your Own Head
There is nothing much different today.
The only difference is I don’t want to be inside my head.
Is it because I’m without my meds? The clouds are back? My fear?
This shift is typical, but never welcome. It invades my insides, mainly my mind and heart.
It’s all gray, there is no color. I am ugly. I am tired. I want to just give up.
I see my children’s love that is filled with realness, but I can’t feel it because my soul feels like steel.
I don’t want my family to ask me. Please, please just leave me alone.
I feel like a circus animal when people watch me. Up and down and down and down. What can they do? They only stare.
Watch me fumble and change and it’s fast.
People want explanations and I can’t tell you one.
I. Just. Want. Out.
What’s the point if this point is always revisited? No matter what, my mind takes me back here.
It’s not fun, it’s not fair, it’s not me and the hate exceeds the love by a long shot.
Just please disappear into the fog and no one will see me. I feel like no one will care because my disappearance would be healing.
They would want normalcy if they didn’t have it. They would want to be able to look in the mirror and not see the ugly, vacant eyes looking back at them.
What’s this beauty people speak of? I have prayed to see it and still only see dread and despair and faults.
Would be better if. Should feel grateful. Could try to fight this.
I’m tired. Tired beyond the exhaustion of a person running around their day. Tired beyond anything I have ever felt.
Life feels too heavy. I’m too weak.
That’s my truth, at least for today.
If you or someone you know needs help, see our suicide prevention resources.
If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255.
The Mighty is asking the following: For someone who doesn’t understand what it’s like to have your mental illness, describe what it’s like to be in your head for a day. Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.
Courtney has a major in Communications and a minor in Psychology from the University of Arizona. She is a Spiritual Life Coach, Mindfulness Teacher and a Published Writer. Courtney is a mental health advocate and her goal is to start healing the perception regarding mental health by sharing her story and bringing light to the subject. She blogs at Happiness, Love and Light. You can visit her website and Facebook page to learn more.
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