I Thought I Was 'Coping' With Anxiety by Fighting It
It’s just another day and I have no freaking idea what’s going on with me yet again. I do know I have a million things to do and a family and house to run. I don’t have time to be anxious.
Now get up and get going! Paralyzed? What is this heavy weight surrounding my body? Why do I feel like I got zero sleep? Why are my thoughts consuming me? Why do these thoughts have to rush in so quickly that I can’t even pull one down to digest?
The dizziness starts. My muscles vibrate.
Am I going to vomit? It’s not even 7 a.m.?! Get up and get going! At least get a cup of coffee in before the first signs of panic set in. Wait! The irritable bowel syndrome is flaring up because that is what the anxiety has caused. Wow! If I could just get up and get dressed, then things will get better, right?
For so long, I thought I was coping. I thought I was effectively handling the anxiety, handling the constant barrage of daily effects anxiety causes. There was no way out. This is how I was wired. I had to deal, put on my big girl pants and kick anxiety in the ass, but constantly the spiraling would come back. The spiraling into the abyss of darkness taking over my body and soul would continue.
The anxiety has caused my once over-extroverted self into a lifeless, confused loner. I thought I was getting rid of the triggers, isolating myself more because of the pain and suffering every situation brought on. I felt the need to apologize to strangers for being so anxious when they had no clue. On the inside, even in the calmest of situations, I would tremble, tremble with fear that the panic was going to set in at any second. Waiting for the rush of stinging pain and tingles to overwhelm my entire body.
When would my heart start beating out of my chest? When would I no longer be able to catch my breathe? I knew it was only a matter of time. When would the anxiety fill me next? I was a ticking time bomb, pushing everything down, trying not to let the anxiety win and exhausted to no end in the daily fight with an invisible battle.
The more I pushed it away, the worse it got. I thought I was dealing. I was doing everything holistically possible to find some sense of reprieve. You name it, I was trying it. After trying medication in the past and not having good outcomes, I knew I needed something different.
The anxiety won over me. The constant thoughts consumed every moment of every day. The physical effects the anxiety brought on could no longer be avoided. I thought, “Well, maybe the misery the medication provided was better than this awful reality?” But, instead I decided to fight. I decided to break this chain of continuous contention.
Now through therapy, I have found the root of my anxiety, the long lasting effects of conditioning and abandonment issues. I now have an insight of the turmoil. I will allow myself to explore the demons that have been eating my insides, causing this disorder. I will continue to allow self-compassion. I will continue to allow myself to feel the pain, instead of blocking it away and telling myself it isn’t real or to stop having a pity party.
I will allow myself to heal, no longer pretending to cope but actually cope. I am so glad I overcame the trials and tribulations of finding a good therapist to help me in my healing journey. I’m proud of myself for taking the time to allow myself to heal. I’m thankful for having more understanding of my personal journey. I’m proud of myself for finding self-worth and consistently working on my self-esteem.
I am better than I was yesterday and can only hope for a better tomorrow. I will have to work, work hard, but it will be worth it. I will continue to have my healthy mantras and focus on the good. I am awakening into a whole new being without any borders and am excited for what my future holds.