To the People I've Pushed Away Because I'm Afraid of Hurting You

To the people I’ve pushed away,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I made you angry whenever I didn’t accept your help. I’m sorry if you didn’t feel appreciated because you thought I wasn’t listening to taking what you said into consideration. You might feel like I’m being selfish. And when I lie in bed and can’t sleep, it’s the negative things people have said that really take a toll on me. But when I push you away, it kills me inside more than you know.

Pushing away the people who are trying to help doesn’t make sense, but at times it feels like the only option to me. I’ve lost some of my closest friends because I never let them in or made them believe what they said didn’t matter. But it did. I push you away because I don’t want to hurt any of you. I don’t want to get you involved and then you see me at my lowest. I don’t want you to see me hurting. Because then you might get hurt. You might start to feel sad. Or you might worry. And I don’t want that for any of you. I don’t want any of you to feel how I do. I want you all to be happy like I used to be.

Depression and anxiety is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. It’s like being at rock bottom with a rock on top of you. And that rock is everybody you’ve hurt since it all started. Every person I hurt makes me hate myself more, and I sink lower and lower into rock bottom.

So when I push you away, please don’t walk away from me. That might be what you think I want, but it’s not. My mind tells me all the time that I should push you away so you don’t get hurt. But in reality, you get me through every day. Knowing you have hope for me helps me have hope for myself.

I am very sorry for pushing you away, but please don’t leave me. Because one day I will let you in, and all the fighting will be worth it. You’re the reason I keep attempting to get better. Even when I push you away, don’t give up on me.

Thank you for trying to help me. I love you guys so much.

Image via Thinkstock Images

Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.

Related to Depression

Unrecognizable burglar with flashlight in shadow on wood background, with space for text or image

When the Darkness of Depression Slips In Like a Thief in the Night

Some days, I feel as if I’ve been robbed. It’s as if, while I slept the night before, a thief snuck in and stole all my joy from me. While he was at it, he saw so much more he could take. It’s like, “Why take the tablet when you can also steal the laptop [...]
Illustration of woman under umbrella and light in the dark

'Hi, It’s Me Again': When Depression Keeps Calling

I wake up later than I mean to, but somehow by 8 a.m. I’ve dragged myself out of the house for a run. Over three miles later, I’m back at my front door, drenched in sweat and feeling good about the day. I head upstairs, grab a bowl of cereal, whip my hair into a bun, [...]
woman laying on bed near window

To the Person Hiding a Deep, Deep Pain Behind That Smile

Have you ever had to get through the day, smiling and talking to people, as if everything were all right, while all the time, you felt your heart crushing inside your chest, feeling like it would come out and fall on the floor even if you took just one more step? Like the roof over [...]
Mom and son walking on the beach

How I Explain My Depression to My Kids

What is depression? It’s a good question, but based on who you’re explaining it to, your reply can be quite different. When my kids ask, “What is depression?” I tell them it’s when I just don’t feel like myself. That it’s hard for me to be happy and enjoy the things I usually enjoy. That depression [...]