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To the People I've Pushed Away Because I'm Afraid of Hurting You

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To the people I’ve pushed away,

I’m sorry. I’m sorry if I made you angry whenever I didn’t accept your help. I’m sorry if you didn’t feel appreciated because you thought I wasn’t listening to taking what you said into consideration. You might feel like I’m being selfish. And when I lie in bed and can’t sleep, it’s the negative things people have said that really take a toll on me. But when I push you away, it kills me inside more than you know.

Pushing away the people who are trying to help doesn’t make sense, but at times it feels like the only option to me. I’ve lost some of my closest friends because I never let them in or made them believe what they said didn’t matter. But it did. I push you away because I don’t want to hurt any of you. I don’t want to get you involved and then you see me at my lowest. I don’t want you to see me hurting. Because then you might get hurt. You might start to feel sad. Or you might worry. And I don’t want that for any of you. I don’t want any of you to feel how I do. I want you all to be happy like I used to be.

Depression and anxiety is something I would never wish upon my worst enemy. It’s like being at rock bottom with a rock on top of you. And that rock is everybody you’ve hurt since it all started. Every person I hurt makes me hate myself more, and I sink lower and lower into rock bottom.

So when I push you away, please don’t walk away from me. That might be what you think I want, but it’s not. My mind tells me all the time that I should push you away so you don’t get hurt. But in reality, you get me through every day. Knowing you have hope for me helps me have hope for myself.

I am very sorry for pushing you away, but please don’t leave me. Because one day I will let you in, and all the fighting will be worth it. You’re the reason I keep attempting to get better. Even when I push you away, don’t give up on me.

Thank you for trying to help me. I love you guys so much.

Image via Thinkstock Images

Originally published: August 11, 2016
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