'I Want More': Inside the Mind of Someone With Binge Eating Disorder

I want more, but my stomach is full beyond its limits.

I want more to fill this emptiness gnawing at me, twisting my insides.

I want more because I can’t stop.

I want more because it’s so good.

I want more, I want more, I want more.

Binge eating is a constant struggle. It’s so exhausting to fight off the urge to eat every little morsel I can find. Eating fills my time, but not my stomach. I still feel hollow, and eating is the only way to get rid of that emptiness. I’m not hungry, but I can’t stop eating the leftover wedding cake or the doughnuts my mom bought the other day.

Ten doughnuts in one day. All because I couldn’t control my binge eating.

Some days are worse than others. Some days I eat an entire tub of brownie ice cream, along with a bag of chips, a big bowl of cereal, some cookies, a few peanut butter sandwiches, and a handful or three of Hershey chocolates. And other days I barely eat anything. Sometimes my binge eating chokes me, and I can’t find the strength to fight back. It consumes me, and all I know is I need to eat the entire six-pack of chocolate hot cross buns as fast as I can. I guiltily shove them into my mouth, knowing I’ll regret it later.

But I don’t care because I just need to eat.

It never really had a huge impact on me until I realized how much weight I was gaining, and how fast it was piling on. I became hyper-aware of every piece of food I was putting into my mouth, and it always led to self-hate. I would stare in the mirror, grabbing the loose skin on my stomach and end up crying. I didn’t know how to deal with binge eating.

I didn’t want to accept I had an eating disorder.

I always thought of eating disorders as sickly skinny girls with protruding bones, or girls bent over a toilet. But that’s not always the case. Eating disorders don’t have one face. They attack anyone and become a parasite. They take over your life and twist your thoughts.

For the longest time I was terrified to eat in public, especially when I was binging that day. I believed everyone was staring at me and judging how much food I was shoving into my mouth. I couldn’t order at restaurants because I knew they were thinking, “She doesn’t need that much food… She’s such a cow.” I didn’t want to go shopping because nothing ever fit me, and if I did find something, then the cashier was surely taking note of how I had to get the biggest size.

But none of that is true. Well, some of it could have been true, but I’ve realized it’s ridiculous to let any of those fears stop me from enjoying life. No one should feel ashamed to eat in public or go clothes shopping.

Now that I’m aware of what it is and know there’s a reason behind my actions, it’s a little easier to deal with. I try to stay on top of my binge eating by listening to my stomach. Am I really hungry? Or do I just want a fourth chocolate glazed doughnut because it’s delicious?

Life is about balance.

There will be bad days, but there will also be good days. I can’t beat myself up over the bad days anymore. I can’t let the negatives of my binge eating disorder control my life.

I will eat that doughnut if I’m hungry, but I will also make sure to take care of my body and love it the way it deserves to be loved.