Binge Eating Disorder

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Invisible Illness, Invisible Struggle

Lately I feel like Dr Jekyll/Mr Hyde/Dr Jekyll on Speed. And it just seems to keep going… like I’m so tired of not knowing how I’m going to feel when I wake up. What do you do when you start to become a stranger to yourself?
It’s not “supposed” to go like this, I’ve done all the studying and the extra reading and the research and this is not what I signed up (ok I didn’t sign on for any of it but still). Isn’t it supposed to be short periods of altered moods with periods of “normal” moods in between.

So why the f*ck have I felt amazing, terrible, amazingly-terrible multiple times throughout the last few days? Am I now having rapid cycling mixed episodes because that basically an urban legend making it incredibly difficult to treat.

I hate this illness and what it’s robbed me of. I feel so helpless because I don’t know anyone who’s been through this type of Bipolar Disorder to ask them how to cope.

I’m filled with shame- ashamed I can’t just “push past it” like I’ve been able to at most other time in my life, ashamed of how much I’ve lost, and really deeply ashamed of how sometimes I feel like I have to fight to adjust my perspective and still be able to care, either more or less, about things or people.

After years of being dismissed, I once had someone who was trying to be supportive and understanding say to me “I think I get it now- I just have to remind myself it’s like you have cancer, you can’t help it and didn’t ask for it”.

Except, it’s not cancer. I don’t know what it’s like to have cancer bc cancer is a completely different illness. But it was the only thing the person could relate it to bc since mental health is so taboo, stigmatized, and barely understood. You can’t “see” it, so it either must not be there or must not be serious.

I think my mood started to lift after having surgery because there were visible scars. For the first time, I had people ask me how I was was doing, how I was feeling, if I needed something- showing genuine concern without the undercurrent of annoyance or feeling like the help is unwarranted, that I’m underserving, a burden.

I feel like I wake up everyday fighting an invisible battle, and not able to identify my comrades in arms because we fly no flags.
#Bipolar1 #invisiblebattle #MentalHealth #Anxiety #PTSD #BingeEatingDisorder #VNS

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I just want to disappear

I just want to curl up in a ball and become invisible and then disappear. I loathe every thing about me. I feel so useless and a burden. I hate that my husband has to deal with me. He has enough to deal with his 91 yr old ailing father. I try to keep my feelings hidden and disassociate from everything around me. I want to sleep and not wake up. I don't want to hurt my husband but I know he would be better off without me to worry about. I'm fat. I'm lazy. I say the wrong things. I'm always in pain so I can't clean my house. I don't have any friends. I wasn't able to have children. My husband's girls barely tolerate me. I'm sure they are embarrassed of me. I don't like leaving the house. I looked up poisonous hemlock and if grows where I live. I pretty sure it grows on the side of the road near my house. I have tons of medication I can take. It would be so easy and an end to the pain and constant hatred of myself. #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #BackPain #ChronicPain #MajorDepressiveDisorder #Anxiety #BingeEatingDisorder #ComplexPosttraumaticStressDisorder #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder

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Young Adult Books That Have Characters With Eating Disorders

*This post may be triggering to anyone who has eating disorders, binge eating disorder, bulimia, anorexia nervosa, etc. or who has attempted suicide.

When people have a health challenge that is highly stigmatized, it is very easy to feel alone. My intention in posting this list was to help people by letting them know others go through similar challenges with eating.

1. “Wintergirls” by Laurie Halse Anderson
Lia and Cassie are best friends, wintergirls frozen in fragile bodies, competitors in a deadly contest to see who can be the thinnest. But then Cassie suffers the ultimate loss—her life—and Lia is left behind, haunted by her friend's memory, and feeling guilty for not being able to help save her. In her most powerfully moving novel since “Speak”, award-winning author Laurie Halse Anderson explores Lia's struggle, her painful path to recovery, and her desperate attempts to hold on to the most important thing of all—hope.

2. “Paperweight” by Meg Haston
Seventeen-year-old Stevie is trapped. In her life. And now in an eating-disorder treatment center on the dusty outskirts of the New Mexico desert. Life in the center is regimented and intrusive, a nightmare come true. Nurses and therapists watch Stevie at mealtime, accompany her to the bathroom, and challenge her to eat the foods she’s worked so hard to avoid. Her dad has signed her up for sixty days of treatment. But what no one knows is that Stevie doesn't plan to stay that long. There are only twenty-seven days until the anniversary of her brother Josh’s death—the death she caused. And if Stevie gets her way, there are only twenty-seven days until she too will end her life.

3. “Purge” by Sarah Darer Littman
Janie Ryman hates throwing up. So why does she binge eat and then stick her fingers down her throat several times a day? That’s what the doctors and psychiatrists at Golden Slopes hope to help her discover. But first Janie must survive everyday conflicts between the Barfers and the Starvers, attempts by the head psychiatrist to fish painful memories out of her emotional waters, and shifting friendships and alliances among the kids in the ward.

4. “What I Lost” by Alexandra Ballard
What sixteen-year-old Elizabeth has lost so far: forty pounds, four jean sizes, a boyfriend, and her peace of mind. As a result, she’s finally a size zero. She’s also the newest resident at Wallingfield, a treatment center for girls like her—girls with eating disorders. Elizabeth is determined to endure the program so she can go back home, where she plans to start restricting her food intake again. She’s pretty sure her mom, who has her own size 0 obsession, needs treatment as much as she does. Maybe even more. Then Elizabeth begins receiving mysterious packages. Are they from her ex-boyfriend, a secret admirer, or someone playing a cruel trick?

Please do not read if this triggers you. As always, if you need/want to discuss anything, please reach out. 🤍

#themightyreaders #EatingDisorders #BingeEatingDisorder #BulimiaNervosa #AnorexiaNervosa #BodyDysmorphicDisorder

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Young Adult Books With Characters That Have #MentalHealth Challenges

#MentalHealth has such a stigma around it. So many people all over the world have struggles with their #MentalHealth . I aim to erase that stigma. For now, the only way I know how to do that is by spreading awareness through literature.

So here are some books that feature characters with mental illnesses:

1.”The Art of Insanity” by Christine Webb

*This book has mentions of attempted suicide that may be triggering for some readers.

High schooler Natalie Cordova has just been diagnosed with #BipolarDisorder . Her mom insists she keep it secret. Putting up a front and hiding her mental illness from her classmates is going to be the hardest thing high schooler Natalie Cordova has ever done. It’s her senior year, and she’s just been selected to present her artwork at a prestigious show. With the stress of performing on her shoulders, it doesn’t help when Natalie notices a boy who makes her heart leap. And then there’s fellow student Ella, who confronts Natalie about her summer car “accident” and pressures her into caring for the world’s ugliest dog. Now Natalie finds herself juggling all kinds of feels and responsibilities. Surely her newly prescribed medication is to blame for the funk she finds herself in. But as Natalie’s plan to self-treat unravels, so does the perfect façade she’s been painting for everyone else.

2.”Your Voice Is All I Hear” by Leah Scheier

April won’t let Jonah go without a fight. He’s her boyfriend—her best friend. She’ll do anything to keep him safe. But as Jonah slips into a dark #Depression trying to escape the traumatic past that haunts him, April is torn. To protect Jonah, she risks losing everything: family, friends, an opportunity to attend a prestigious music school. How much must she sacrifice? And will her voice be loud enough to drown out the dissenters—and the ones in his head?#Schizophrenia

3.”The Program” by Suzanne Young

*This book mentions suicide and self-harm, which might be triggering for some readers.

In Sloane’s world, true feelings are forbidden, teen suicide is an epidemic, and the only solution is The Program. Sloane knows better than to cry in front of anyone. With suicide now an international epidemic, one outburst could land her in The Program, the only proven course of treatment. Sloane’s parents have already lost one child; Sloane knows they’ll do anything to keep her alive. She also knows that everyone who’s been through The Program returns as a blank slate. Because their depression is gone—but so are their memories. Under constant surveillance at home and at school, Sloane puts on a brave face and keeps her feelings buried as deep as she can. The only person Sloane can be herself with is James. He’s promised to keep them both safe and out of treatment, and Sloane knows their love is strong enough to withstand anything. But despite the promises they made to each other, it’s getting harder to hide the truth. They are both growing weaker. #Depression is setting in. And The Program is coming for them.

4.”How It Feels To Fly” by Kathryn Holmes

*This book may be triggering to those who have #EatingDisorders , #BingeEatingDisorder , #BulimiaNervosa , #Anorexia , #AnorexiaNervosa , and/or #BodyDysmorphicDisorder .

For as long as Samantha can remember, she’s wanted to be a professional ballerina. She’s lived for perfect pirouettes, sky-high extensions, and soaring leaps across the stage. Then her body betrayed her. The change was gradual. Stealthy. Failed diets. Disapproving looks. Whispers behind her back. The result: #Anxiety about her appearance, which threatens to crush her dancing dreams entirely. On her dance teacher’s recommendation, Sam is sent to a summer treatment camp for teen artists and athletes who are struggling with mental and emotional obstacles. If she can make progress, she’ll be allowed to attend a crucial ballet intensive. But when asked to open up about her deepest insecurities, secret behaviors, and paralyzing fears to complete strangers, Sam can’t cope. Sam forms an unlikely bond with Andrew, a former college football player who’s one of her camp counselors. As they grow closer, Andrew helps Sam see herself as he does—beautiful. But just as she starts to believe that there’s more between them than friendship, disappointing news from home sends her into a tailspin. With her future uncertain and her body against her, will Sam give in to the #Anxiety that imprisons her?

5.”Four Weeks, Five People” by Jennifer Yu

They're more than their problems. Obsessive-compulsive teen Clarissa wants to get better, if only so her mother will stop asking her if she's okay. Andrew wants to overcome his #EatingDisorder so he can get back to his band and their dreams of becoming famous. Film aficionado Ben would rather live in the movies than in reality. Gorgeous and overly confident Mason thinks everyone is an “idiot”. And Stella just doesn't want to be back for her second summer of wilderness therapy. As the five teens get to know one another and work to overcome the various disorders that have affected their lives, they find themselves forming bonds they never thought they would, discovering new truths about themselves and actually looking forward to the future.

6.”Every Last Word” by Tamara Ireland Stone

Samantha McAllister looks just like the rest of the popular girls in her junior class. But hidden beneath the straightened hair and expertly applied makeup is a secret that her friends would never understand: Sam has Purely-Obsessional #ObsessiveCompulsiveDisorder and is consumed by a stream of dark thoughts and worries that she can't turn off. Second-guessing every move, thought, and word makes daily life a struggle, and it doesn't help that her lifelong friends will turn toxic at the first sign of a wrong outfit, wrong lunch, or wrong crush. Yet Sam knows she'd be truly crazy to leave the protection of the most popular girls in school. So when Sam meets Caroline, she has to keep her new friend with a refreshing sense of humor and no style a secret, right up there with Sam's weekly visits to her psychiatrist. Caroline introduces Sam to Poet's Corner, a hidden room and a tight-knit group of “misfits” who have been ignored by the school at large. Sam is drawn to them immediately, especially a guitar-playing guy with a talent for verse, and starts to discover a whole new side of herself. Slowly, she begins to feel more "normal" than she ever has as part of the popular crowd . . . until she finds a new reason to question her sanity and all she holds dear.

📚 Please don’t read anything that triggers you. My hope in sharing this post was that someone who has mental health challenges would find a character to relate to. As always, if you need/want to discuss anything, please reach out and ask. 🤍

#themightyreaders #MentalHealth

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I hate myself #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Anxiety #BingeEatingDisorder #MajorDepressiveDisorder

I literally hate myself. I hate my body. I hate my messed up mind. I hate the pain I feel every day. I wish I didn't exist. I feel like a burden to my husband. (He is the best husband ever...seriously). I feel lonely. I have no friends, not one. Acquaintances yes, friends, no. I have no one to talk to except my husband and I refuse to burden him with my messed up, crazy feelings. I feel therapy is a waste of time and energy. My best friend, my cat, is dying of intestinal lymphoma. I am in constant pain in my back and hip. How pathetic do I sound. Anyway, sorry to bother. #MajorDepressiveDisorder #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder

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Anxiety about exercising - what’s the point as a bigger person?

I have a hx of anorexia and bulimia with over exercising mixed in. The anorexia has now moved into binge eating disorder territory and I’ve gained a significant amount of weight. Being in a bigger body and now NEEDING to lose weight has made me feel so discouraged and depressed. How could I have done this to myself? I’m afraid of exercising as it’s just confirmation that I’m out of shape and in a bigger body. Also terrified to the point of panic attacks when my picture is taken and it’s shown to me. Has anyone else struggled with this?

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Weight gain

Lately I’ve gained a ton of weight and I cry when I weigh myself. I thought over eating was a thing in the past for me #EatingDisorders #BingeEatingDisorder

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Does anyone else ALWAYS become ill on the weekend?

I sometimes start feeling it on Friday evening or Saturday in the early AMs, if I've somehow managed to sleep on time.

It's just so frustrating, because it constantly feels like I'm 'wasting' my weekends. I rarely manage to do anything productive🙄

On the flipside, the rare times I am feeling well and want to chill, I then end up feeling guilty for again 'wasting my weekend'.

Or I feel well and said guilt about chilling, then have a random flare up 🙃

If anyone has tips on what has worked to manage this, I'll be forever grateful 🙏🏽 🥲

#ChronicPain #ChronicFatigue #Fibromyalgia #MentalHealth #Depression #Agoraphobia #Anxiety #BackPain #IrritableBowelSyndromeIBS #FunctionalNeurologicalDisorder #InterstitialCystitis #Asthma #BingeEatingDisorder #AuditoryProcessingDisorder #Jointpain

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