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'I Want More': Inside the Mind of Someone With Binge Eating Disorder

I want more, but my stomach is full beyond its limits.

I want more to fill this emptiness gnawing at me, twisting my insides.

I want more because I can’t stop.

I want more because it’s so good.

I want more, I want more, I want more.

Binge eating is a constant struggle. It’s so¬†exhausting to fight off the urge to eat every little morsel I can find. Eating¬†fills my time, but not my stomach. I still feel hollow, and eating is the only¬†way to get rid of that emptiness. I’m not hungry, but I can’t stop eating the leftover wedding cake or the doughnuts my mom bought the other day.

Ten doughnuts in one day. All because I couldn’t¬†control my binge eating.

Some days are worse than others. Some days I eat an¬†entire tub of brownie ice cream, along with a bag of chips, a big bowl of¬†cereal, some cookies, a few peanut butter sandwiches, and a handful or three of¬†Hershey chocolates. And other days I barely eat anything. Sometimes my binge¬†eating chokes me, and I can’t find the strength to fight back. It consumes me,¬†and all I know is I need to eat the entire six-pack of chocolate hot cross¬†buns as fast as I can. I guiltily shove them into my mouth, knowing I’ll¬†regret it later.

But I don’t care because I just need to eat.

It never really had a huge impact on me until I¬†realized how much weight I was gaining, and how fast it was piling on. I became¬†hyper-aware of every piece of food I was putting into my mouth, and it always led¬†to self-hate. I would stare in the mirror, grabbing the loose skin on my stomach¬†and end up crying. I didn’t know how to deal with binge eating.

I didn’t want to accept I had an eating disorder.

I always thought of eating disorders as sickly skinny¬†girls with protruding bones, or girls bent over a toilet. But that’s not always¬†the case. Eating disorders don’t have one face. They attack anyone and become a¬†parasite. They take over your life and twist your thoughts.

For the longest time I was terrified to eat in public,¬†especially when I was binging that day. I believed everyone was staring at¬†me and judging how much food I was shoving into my mouth. I couldn’t order at¬†restaurants because I knew they were thinking, ‚ÄúShe doesn’t need that much¬†food‚Ķ She’s such a cow.‚ÄĚ I didn’t want to go shopping because nothing ever fit¬†me, and if I did find something, then the cashier was surely taking note of how I had to get the biggest size.

But none of that is true. Well, some of it could have¬†been true, but I’ve realized it’s ridiculous to let any of those fears¬†stop me from enjoying life. No one should feel ashamed to eat in public or go¬†clothes shopping.

Now that I’m aware of what it is and know¬†there’s a¬†reason behind my actions, it’s a little easier to deal with. I try to stay on¬†top of my binge eating by listening to my stomach. Am I really hungry? Or do I¬†just want a fourth chocolate glazed doughnut because it’s delicious?

Life is about balance.

There will be bad days, but there will also be good days. I¬†can’t beat myself up over the bad days anymore. I can’t let the negatives of my¬†binge eating disorder control my life.

I will eat that doughnut if I’m hungry,¬†but I will also make sure to take care of my body and love it the way it¬†deserves to be loved.