27 Secrets of People With Hidden Anxiety


With mental health issues, it sometimes feels like you can’t ask for help until you’ve “lost it.” Like if you’re still getting out of bed, still putting pants on, still going to work and still keeping your life somewhat in order, you must be fine. Everything’s fine, and therefore anything that’s not fine must be your fault — like it’s you who’s being dramatic, unable to handle the stress of everyday life.

That is simply not true.

There was 40 million adults in the U.S. who live with anxiety disorders, and these anxiety disorders present themselves in different ways. Just because someone seems fine doesn’t mean their anxiety disorder is less valid. And just because you’re good at hiding your anxiety doesn’t mean you don’t deserve help.

We asked people in our mental health community who feel like they live with hidden anxiety to tell us one thing they wish others understood.

Here’s what they had to say:

1. “My body is in constant fight-or-flight mode, and after it passes, I’m left exhausted. On the outside I’m so happy and likable, but on the inside I over-evaluate each and every word I speak and I worry about what you think.” —  Kelsie W.

2. “My reaction to you or my demeanor is not a reflection of how I feel about you. It is my mind struggling inside. I may not laugh, smile or say hello, but it’s not because I don’t like you or don’t care. It’s because I can’t right now.” — Jeanine H.

3. “I may be less than my normal self on days panic is washing over me with 10-foot waves. I am not a bitch, I am just trying not to drown.” — Chriss T.

4. “I wish people understood the times it seems like nothing’s wrong and I look the most capable and ‘fine,’ are the times I’m fighting the hardest. Sometimes it takes all I have to keep from falling apart inside even though I look OK from the outside.” — Alyssa C.

5. “I am a confident person with a diagnosed anxiety disorder. I enjoy acting and love being onstage, but I can’t make a phone call or knock on a door. I am a confident person, but the smallest things like a teacher shouting at me or having to make a phone call can trigger a panic attack. I wish people understood you can be both confident and anxious. It’s really difficult for me to explain to people.” — Danni-Mae K. 

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6. “Every day, every minute, every hour feels like an eternity when you have anxiety. It’s like time stands still, like you are running in sand and getting nowhere. Just getting through these moments takes so much out of you; exhausts you mentally, physically and emotionally.” — Marissa Esguerra

7.I’m not just a loner. I really want to fit in and go out with friends or go on a date. But this anxiety I have makes me overthink and second guess every move I make. Decisions that are easy for most people to make take me twice as long because I have to outthink every possible outcome.” — Shannon R.

8. “Just because I look OK, doesn’t mean I am. I have to wear the mask to function in society.” — Desiree G.

9. “I’m tired 24/7. When someone says, ‘You look tired, but you haven’t even done anything,’ what you don’t know is I’m fighting battles you can’t see. Don’t judge a book by its cover.” — Brandon T.

10. “My anxiety can often appear ‘hidden’ despite the fact that it is not. I’m constantly on edge or obsessing over an anxious thought. If I seen distracted, upset, jumpy or overwhelmed, it’s because I’m anxious. Learning my anxious behaviors can help you help me calm down or focus on something more positive.” — Aurora W.

11. “Just because you don’t see it, notice it or experience it for yourself, doesn’t invalidate the legitimacy or severe impact anxiety has on my life.” — Holly A.

12. “I wish people would understand the reason I don’t reach out to anyone is because I spend many nights awake worrying no one likes me and that I’m not good enough.” — Lauren N.

13. “I defiantly wish people understood anxiety isn’t just a switch; I can’t turn it off and on whenever I want. It can happen at anytime during the day/night. It can happen when I’m happiest or when I’m saddest. It comes and it goes. You have your bad days and your good days. I just wish people understood it isn’t something I can control, even if I’m on medications.” — Jessica N.

14. “Inside, I’m not the calm person you see every day. And I’m not being standoffish — I’m trying to either recharge myself or I’m trying to control the waves of anxiety sweeping through my body.” — Ella P.

15. “You have no idea what’s going on in my head.” — Nicole D.

16. “It isn’t always constant. It can come and go. I already feel like I am not sick enough to get help, so I don’t know how to actually do it. And the things you try to say to be helpful are sometimes triggering. And when my anxiety is triggered, my behavior is erratic and seems irrational but I’m honestly doing anything I can to calm down.” — Jaclyn Langman

17. “You may be frustrated with me because I am not as social, friendly or productive as I am when I’m on my game, but it’s not because I’m lazy or selfish. My brain is running in overdrive and I’m in constant survival mode.” — Brittany Cole

18.I have the tendency to dress up more when I feel really anxious. I put makeup on and dress well, as that’s how I try and convince myself I’m OK.” — Neelam A.

19. “Just because I’m functioning while I’m working, doesn’t mean I’m not falling apart on the inside. Or as soon as I get home… (or to the closest one-person bathroom).” — Jessica H.

20. “This phrase is starting to sound a little cliche, but it is so accurate, and many people still don’t understand: Just because you can’t see it, doesn’t mean it isn’t there. I am very good at appearing calm on the outside, while my insides are fighting a war. My mind is racing, my heart is pounding and I feel like I can’t breath. I start to get a stomach ache, which turns to feeling nauseated and/or needing to use the toilet. I feel like everyone is watching me, judging me, even though logically I know no one has actually even noticed anything is wrong. Most of the time, you won’t notice, but that doesn’t mean I’m not having a difficult time.” — Keira H.

21. “If I seem uninterested it’s just because I can’t concentrate when my anxiety is bad. I care about what you’re saying, but my brain will drift. Even good information is sometimes just too much information.” — KristyLeigh H.

22. “I feel like I am too much work to loved, so be loud about loving me.” — Kylie D.

23. “I can look ‘happy’ or ‘calm’ but still be drowning with my demons.” — Auror B.

24. “Just because I did something once doesn’t mean I’m going to be comfortable doing it again! Anxiety doesn’t come with an alarm clock and it doesn’t limit itself to certain environments.” — Summer B.

25. “‘Simple’ everyday tasks people don’t think twice about causes me extreme anxiety.” — Yaz T.

26. “I wish colleagues understood how scared and nervous I am about new situations and people. I have to mentally prepare for days before meetings with new clients, and even phone calls get delayed as long as possible. Just because my work is getting done that doesn’t mean I’m fine. If something simple takes longer than expected please be patient with me. I have to reassure myself over and over I can do it.” — Erika Fouche

27. “‘Hidden’ does not mean less. It means I am fighting every day, every hour, every second for no one to see my weakness.” — Sara K.




27 Secrets of People With Hidden Anxiety

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To My Boyfriend: Here's What You Should Know About My Anxiety


I’m tired,

Yet I sleep.

I smile,

Yet I weep.

Can anyone explain to me how such two strongly conflicting emotions come to pass so eagerly? How your chest can feel so hollow, yet it fills with a source of life? How you can be so eager to rise in the morning, but only so that you may sleep the next night? Can anyone explain to me how this comes to be? How do I feel so surrounded and whole, yet crave your attention because I need to feel something other than alone?

My heart still beats.

My lungs still breathe.

My eyes still see,

But somehow, I’m blind.

I want to start by saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry for a lot of things. I’m sorry for the fact that I find myself consistently analyzing the cadence of your sentence. I’m sorry that sometimes I think your feelings have changed because we’re not doing something as simple holding hands while walking down the street. I’m sorry I fear someone will soon fill my place in your life and you’ll no longer want me.

I’m sorry for the sleep you lose consoling me. It was never my intention for you to worry about my well-being. I’m fine, I promise. At least, I will be in a few minutes, hours or days.

In those times, in my bad days, please bear with me. Part of the anxiety of having anxiety is that one day you’ll have enough of it and leave. I frequently fear I’ve done something or said something that has upset you and will be the last straw for you. You’ll be gone. I am absolutely aware of how ridiculous this sounds. You’ve chosen me and all that comes with me for a reason.

Like you said, “I love you. That’s all that matters.” You’re right. It is. I wish that were enough for my anxiety, and I wish I could understand it to the same degree you mean it. More days than not, my anxiety doesn’t allow for that.

I’m sorry it’s not easy to be with me. I know it wasn’t like this in the beginning of our time together, back before I was comfortable enough to show you what really goes on in my head. Sometimes, I regret opening up the trenches of my thoughts, but I know you need to see them. Should we spend the rest of our lives together, I need to know if you can handle me. I need to know if you can manage the tangled mess of thoughts, doubts and fears that constantly plague every decision that I make. I am so lucky that so far, you have.

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Now, I want you to look back at the first lines of the last four paragraphs. Two out of four are me apologizing to you about something I can’t control. That is my anxiety. I’m having one of my bad days as I write this, and there are a few things I ask of you on days like this.

Please, be patient with me. There are days when I will need you more than anything, and there are days when I don’t want to leave my bed. On the days when I need you (which will probably outweigh the time I need alone), please be my sounding board if I want to spill out every emotion and thought that tortures my being. Be my silent support when I don’t want to talk about it. Hold me as tightly as you can if I break down.

This is a burden, a heavy cross to carry, and I will break into 10,000 different pieces. Don’t pick them up. I want to do that part myself. Just hold me and tell me I’m OK, that everything is OK and that you still love me. Most importantly, tell me you still love me.

On days where I just want to be alone, please still check up on me. It doesn’t mean I want to be shut off from the world. It just means I don’t want to visit it today. Especially on days like this, I need to know you’re still there for me.

As I continue writing this, I hate it. It makes me sound clingy and needy, and I hate that. That is my anxiety. I am strong, independent and have functioned with anxiety before you. But having you makes it easier. It lightens the punch to the chest I feel every time an anxiety attack comes on.

You are the support I was too scared to ask for before. Please, know when I ask for it, I need it more than I can put into words. I won’t ask for you unless I am genuinely terrified I can’t handle this by myself anymore. This is my anxiety.

piglet looking scared

How 'Winnie the Pooh' Helps Me Cope With Anxiety


My 10-year-old niece asked me, “You’re 22. Why do you still love ‘Winnie the Pooh’ so much?”

To her I responded with a simple, “It’s just so fun!” but it’s way more than that…

Are y’all familiar with the study that has been done on the characters in Winnie the Pooh? It suggests that every character in this beloved children’s story can be identified to one (of more) disorders.

This list feels quite accurate when you start thinking about it. And although I’ve liked Winnie the Pooh since I was a kid, it became something special soon after reading about this theory.

When I got my first anxiety attack, I found myself identifying with this little pink cartoon character more than I had ever done before. I went from fun and bubbly to shaky and scared. In a matter of minutes. Just as I had seen Piglet do so many times…

As I got more and more into the Hundred Acre Wood, I also got more and more into learning about anxiety disorder. Slowly I learned to stop myself from being anxious about being anxious… I started to accept I had an anxiety disorder. My focus point changed from healing myself to dealing with it.

The moment I stopped fighting it, it became easier. It didn’t go away. It didn’t disappear… in fact – when I think about it – I don’t think my anxiety changed at all. But I had. I didn’t push anxiety attacks away anymore. I finally allowed myself to admit that: I wasn’t OK all the time.

I learned to do as Piglet does. Piglet goes on big adventures but let’s everyone know when she’s anxious. She’s always hiding behind Pooh, always letting him know she’s frightened. I know some see her as a cry baby, but to me she’s a hero! She allows herself to be who she is. Bubbly one second, anxious the next. She talks to herself the same way I do – I can do this. This isn’t so bad. – but most of all, she doesn’t turn an adventure down. Even though she’s anxious and frightened and her thoughts mess with her a lot… she’s always there!

I’ve visited therapists a lot in my life. But sometimes you need something a little different to really help you. And it turned out I needed a Disney-animated film. A children’s book. A little pink anxious character to help me see I wasn’t alone and that having an anxiety disorder doesn’t make you weak or any less awesome.

Woman holding head in hand

When Anxiety Rules Your Mind


My mind is racing and I can’t gather my thoughts. I start to sweat and my stomach is in knots. My heart rate starts to increase to the point where I can hear the thumping in my ears. My muscles tense. I start to shake. My eyes well up with tears. When I’m in this space, I rarely speak because my thoughts are so loud. Sometimes, I think it’d be easier to crawl up in a ball in the darkness of my room and not face the world.

Anxiety entered my life at 8 years old when I experienced losing my dad by suicide. It wasn’t just anxiety that came barreling into my life, but also panic, obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and depression. For many years, I struggled in silence because I was embarrassed and ashamed. On the outside, I portrayed myself as a happy, well put-together person, but on the inside I was a tornado ravaging through my body and mind.

When people asked what was wrong, I did a great job of carrying on and pretending like I was fine. Pretending was harder than facing my anxiety. I was not myself and didn’t show people who I was. I lost friends along the way because I was unable to be honest with them about the issues I was going through. I figured they wouldn’t understand and wouldn’t want to be my friend if they knew who I really was.

You see, anxiety has ruled my mind since I was 8. I have a professional degree in pushing people away and not letting them in. I’m terrified to get close to people because I worry they’ll leave me anyway. Similarly, I don’t open up to people because it’s hard to explain everything I’m feeling or everything I’ve been through. My mind is ruled by anxiety and that’s hard to explain, especially to those who don’t struggle with it.

If someone stares at me, then I’m afraid they’re judging me. If I’m having a conversation with someone, then I immediately critique the words coming out of my mouth and sometimes wish I could take them back. If you’re having a conversation with me, then I’m probably going over in my mind what I’m going to say next. When I drive down the road, I think about what will happen if I get in a car accident. If I walk outside my house in the dark, I think someone is going to kidnap me. I think of scenarios that have a one in a million chance of happening to me and fixate on them. Yes, they have a one in a million chance of happening, but in my mind, I could be that one.

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The thing many people fail to understand is just because you can’t always see anxiety doesn’t mean it’s not there. Anxiety feels like being underwater. When I try to swim to the surface to catch my breath, I’m dragged back under. Each time I’m pulled back, the surface gets farther and farther away.

I was ashamed of my anxiety for so long. I’m so sad about that because it’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’ve learned so many other people struggle with these issues too. I should not have been ashamed to seek help. I wouldn’t be able to face this battle alone. I’m so lucky to have such a supportive family. My mom has been there for me when my anxiety has been so bad that I felt as though I was dying. She has loved me and heard me when I’ve been at my lowest points.

Outside of my family, my therapist has been my saving grace. It’s been three years and she’s been there for me at my weakest, making me feel worthy, seen and heard. The hour I see her each week is the best hour of my week, truly. I went from blowing off my therapy sessions to genuinely enjoying them. I owe that to her. In many ways, she’s been my best friend when I’ve felt like I had no one.

Yes, anxiety is the ruler of my mind, but I’m trying to gain the controller back. You may not see it on the outside, but it’s there.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255

Couple holding hands at table

7 Things You Should Know About the Person in Your Life With Anxiety


In trying to make more of a commitment to seeing my friends (hey, guys!), I’ve been thinking about what I want to say if the topic of anxiety comes up. I’m fortunate enough to have a really supportive, empathetic group of people in my life, but I know that’s not always the case. I know, too, sometimes it feels rude to talk to someone about their mental health. Even if they bring it up, you might be unsure of what to say.

Here are some things you should know about the people in your life who deal with anxiety:

1. It’s not our fault.

This is not a personality flaw or something we’re doing intentionally. This is not us trying to get attention, that’s the last thing most of us want. This is not us trying to passive-aggressively tell you we don’t like you or our friendship is over. This is something our brains do to us without our consent, not an extension of who we are or a choice we make. Even though it might feel personal to you sometimes, it’s really not. It sounds like it’s just an excuse but sometimes we honestly just can’t. Our brains interpret discomfort as danger, and often times the things we think will help actually perpetuate and strengthen the panic over time.

2. We still want to see you and hang out with you.

Even if we say no to your invitations, we still like to be invited and we still want to see you. Maybe we’d just rather have dinner with you than try to have a meaningful conversation at a work happy hour. When you don’t invite us because you assume we’ll say no, you inadvertently increase our feelings of isolation and the sense that something is “wrong” with us. We know you don’t mean to do that, but it still hurts our feelings. Inviting us, even when we say no, helps us to understand we are loved, people do want to see us and we are not broken.

3. When in doubt, ask.

If you’re unsure about how to talk about anxiety, curious about what it feels like for us or have no idea how to help, ask us. Asking shows empathy and compassion. We hate it when people say things like, “Don’t worry about it,” “You just need to get over it,” or “Calm down.” None of that is helpful.

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If you find yourself wanting to say one of these things because you think it will help or because you don’t actually really know what to say, then try asking questions or validating. Things like, “That sounds really tough,” “I’m so proud of you for dealing with this,” or “How can I help?” bring us relief and a sense of belonging. They make us feel like you understand and you’re not just brushing this off as regular stress. There is actually something fundamentally different about our brains we can’t control, and it makes us feel invalidated when you compare it to everyday stress.

4. Be patient with us.

It can be really hard to understand anxiety and the need for down time, especially if you’re someone who likes going at a million miles per hour all the time. Truthfully, we’re probably working really hard, even if you can’t see it. Anxiety management takes a lot of time. I spend about an hour and a half per day meditating and doing yoga. That may not seem like much, but most of us also have full-time jobs and relationships that need our attention, too.

Add to that the decompression time we need and there is little time for a social life. So please, be patient with us when you want to get drinks tonight and we say we have plans. It is not your place to tell us that watching television, reading or whatever are “not plans” and we can “skip them.” They are plans. We need that time to relax, to work on understanding ourselves and to use preventative practices that help keep our anxiety low. Keeping us from it or making us feel guilty about it make the anxiety worse. Just because that’s not how you would spend the time doesn’t make it any less important or valid.

5. We are still us.

While anxiety can be really overwhelming and hard to deal with, it’s just one aspect of our personalities. We are still the complex, wonderful people who you love. We still have hopes, goals and skills. We’re still interested in stuff.

We love when you check in with us, and we appreciate it. We also want you to treat us like the multifaceted people we are. Anxiety doesn’t wipe out our personalities. It may cause us to hide for a while, but we still want to talk with you about how ridiculous Trump is or this book we just finished that we loved. We still care about your life and what’s going on with you. We don’t have to spend every minute of our time together talking about the anxiety.

6. We’re learning a lot.

Odds are we’re in therapy or at the very least having a lot of thoughts about why this is happening and where it’s coming from. We’re learning a lot about ourselves, about what we need and about what we want. Some things about us might change or we may react to something differently than you expected. If there’s something that’s difficult for you or an issue, talk to us about it. We can explain our thinking and come to an understanding together.

7. We love you, and we are grateful for you.

Ultimately, even if you find yourself saying, “Don’t worry about it” or feeling like you don’t really know us anymore, we still love you. We love that you want to be part of this journey with us, even if you don’t really know how to engage in the conversation or how to handle some of the things we’re going through. Chances are we are struggling, too. We probably don’t say it as much as we should, but we’re so thankful for you. We are thankful you are willing to stick with us as we figure this out. We appreciate your support in whatever way you try to give it.

This is a lot of information, and I know it may not all apply to you. Please, don’t feel like you have to try to remember all of it all the time. This is a process. We’re learning, too.

While I generalized here, we’re all different. So it’s important to talk to your person who deals with anxiety and/or panic about where they are in their journey and what works for them. Maybe none of this stuff applies to them, maybe some of it does or maybe they were nodding along to every word. If you really want to know how best to support them, ask.

Woman sitting and reading a book

Highly Sensitive People, Remember These 10 Things When You Feel Anxious


We’ve all felt anxious at some point in our lives. Anxiety is that jittery feeling you get before something big happens, like a first date, a job interview or moving to a new house. Your palms sweat, your heart beats fast and you feel like there’s a ball of lead in your gut.

But then, you might have a hard time falling asleep, relaxing or concentrating because your thoughts are racing. Your stomach might be too upset to eat, or you might eat too much. You might cry more or have an overwhelming desire to seek reassurance from someone.

As highly-sensitive people (HSPs), we tend to be creative and have active minds. However, the downside is this means we’re more vulnerable to anxiety. Our minds can easily conjure up all kinds of negative fantasies that fuel our anxiety and make it worse.

Because of a biological difference in our nervous system, we absorb more stimulation from our environment — like noise, small details that others miss and even other people’s emotions — which can lead us to feel overwhelmed.

Remember these things when you feel anxious:

1. Your anxiety is just one part of the package.

Being highly sensitive is a package deal — you get the bad with the good. Don’t get down on yourself for being who you are. Think about all the good things that come with being sensitive — you may be more creative and considerate, have more empathy for others, notice things that others miss and learn new things quickly.

2. Like the weather, feelings change.

The way you feel right now will not be the way you feel in five minutes, five hours, five days or five years from now. Feelings are only temporary, and like today’s forecast, they change quickly. Like all things eventually do, those scared, anxious, lead-in-your-gut feelings will pass.

“Nothing is permanent in this wicked world — not even our troubles,” said actor and filmmaker Charlie Chaplin.

3. Talk to someone.

Anxiety can be a lonely feeling, and loneliness increases anxiety — what a terrible cycle! Talk to someone you trust about the feelings or situation you’re dealing with. Just getting the feelings out might make you feel better, plus, having to explain your fears to someone else might help you examine if they’re realistic or not.

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4. Set clearer boundaries in your relationships.

If your relationships are making you anxious, get rid of the source of your anxiety by setting firmer boundaries or even letting some relationships go. Do it, and don’t feel bad about it.

5. Don’t run away from what’s scaring you.

Avoiding the situation or person that’s causing your anxiety will only make your anxiety worse in the long run. Gather your courage to face the problem head-on. Remind yourself it’s only fear, and you will get through it.

6. You can’t control what happens in life, but you can control (or learn tools to control) how you react.

Dr. Hans Selye, a physician who is considered the “father” of the field of stress research, writes, “It’s not stress that kills us, it is our reaction to it.”

7. Your anxiety doesn’t actually accomplish anything.

It just wastes time and doesn’t get you any closer to your life’s goals. “Anxiety’s like a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you very far,” writes author Jodi Picoult.

8. Try relaxation techniques.

Inhale deeply, hold your breath for a few seconds, then exhale. Brew a cup of chamomile tea. Exercise vigorously — anxiety floods your body with adrenaline, and aerobic exercise burns off adrenaline. Take a warm bath, listen to relaxing music and schedule a massage for later. Distract yourself by reading, surfing the internet or watching Netflix.

9. Keep things in perspective.

Avoid the temptation to make the situation bigger in your mind than it really is. Dr. Steve Maraboli, author and behavioral science academic, writes, “I promise you nothing is as chaotic as it seems. Nothing is worth your health. Nothing is worth poisoning yourself into stress, anxiety and fear.”

10. It’s really going to be OK.

Author and motivational speaker Daneille LaPorte writes, “P.S. You’re not going to die. Here’s the white-hot truth: if you go bankrupt, you’ll still be OK. If you lose the gig, the lover, the house, you’ll still be OK. If you sing off-key, get beat by the competition, have your heart shattered, get fired…it’s not going to kill you. Ask anyone who’s been through it.”

This piece originally appeared on Introvert, Dear. Click here for more stories about being an introvert or highly sensitive person.

Related: Mental Health on The Mighty Podcast

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