couple holding a balloon

10 Pro-Tips for Loving Someone With Anxiety


I’ve seen a good number of articles  about living with anxiety and what people should know about it, but I wanted to shed some light on romantic relationships where one partner has anxiety. The struggle of having anxiety and being in love is vastly underrated. Here are some pro-tips for those of you who love someone or are falling for someone who has anxiety:

1. If you’re going to go to battle, know what you’re fighting against.

Anxiety is a battle between your mind and your mind, literally. And sometimes the battle can get heinous, especially when it steps outside of your mind and into your body as a panic attack. Anxiety and panic attacks can get better with time, but it is a condition that your partner lives with forever. Loving someone with anxiety can be difficult. You need to look within yourself and determine if this is something you are capable of doing. 

2. Sometimes there is nothing you can do, and you have to accept this.

Once a panic attack begins, there is nothing you can do to stop it. It has to run its course. With anxiety, there are ways to stop it, but again, sometimes your partner just has a bad day and can’t reach their methods and thought-stopping processes in time. I would encourage you to be supportive, patient and loving during these episodes. Often times, people with anxiety can recognize when their thoughts are going dark, but at the same time, they may not be able to pull themselves out of it before the point of no return. Do not become frustrated because you cannot help. You help us the most by just being there.

3. Learn everything you can about your partner’s condition.

I cannot emphasize this enough. You will have a difficult time communicating with your partner if you cannot understand what anxiety is or what it feels like. Look up people talking about it, for example. Read everything you can about the condition. And even so, some people end up in counseling themselves to try to understand how to help themselves deal with their partner’s anxiety. If you make the effort to understand, your partner will appreciate it more than you know.


4. The worst thing you can do is shame us about our anxiety.

There isn’t a more horrible feeling in the world than someone telling us to “just get over it” or to “just relax.” These statements show a blatant misunderstanding of the nature of anxiety. Believe me, if it was that simple, we would have done it already. We know our anxiety makes everyone around us feel upset or frustrated about it, but if we could help it, we would. Would you tell a depressed person to just stop being sad?

5. We know how much of a burden our anxiety is, and we do not need a reminder.

This is not to say that you can never express frustration or anger about your partner’s anxiety, but there is a way to say it nicely and lovingly. If you say it in a negative way, then you’ve triggered or increased the ever-present worries. Sometimes, in the moment, things slip out or aren’t meant to be said. But these are extremely damaging to us, like getting kicked when you’re down. If you want to speak about it, be as gentle as you can. And no, tough love doesn’t feel like love to us.

6. Having a backup plan will make your partner feel a little easier when out in public.

Anxiety and panic attacks wait for no one. These things can happen in public. Anxiety attacks when it wants and where it wants. What happens if you’re on a double date, for example, and your partner suddenly has an anxiety attack? Develop plans with your partner about what to do when these situations happen, like having a signal or key word to indicate that things are heading downhill, and an escape plan to get out of there just in case. This way, we don’t have to have anxiety about our anxiety, which can lead to said anxiety, if you followed me there.

7. Do not speak about your partner’s anxiety unless explicitly given permission to do so.

Mental illness is still very much stigmatized in our culture. We are seen as crazy nuts, or people who just let their mind run wild and don’t bother to control it. One of the more interesting judgments that have been passed upon me is that I have no reason to have anxiety, since I have a roof over my head and clothes to wear. I lack nothing, what is there to worry about?

Mental illness does not discriminate. The last thing I want is for your family and friends to pass judgment or alter their opinion of me because you told them about my anxiety, the exception being when it’s highly visible, such as a panic attack.

8. Sometimes you will be the trigger. Do not take this personally.

No, our anxiety will not magically skip over you just because we are dating you. If anything, being in a relationship adds to the anxiety. There are constant questions about how to reply to your text message asking what we are doing, what happens if we upset you, what does our future look like and so on. But do not blame yourself in these situations. Do not feel guilty about any anxiety or panic attacks that stem from you. Anxiety is something we have to live with and deal with, in all aspects of our life.

9. Managing anxiety takes time and practice. Patience is greatly appreciated.

While I cannot speak for everyone, I regularly attend therapy where I talk about my most recent anxious moments and learn about cognitive behavioral therapy, a set of techniques used to manage negative thought processes, the very foundation of anxiety itself. Therapy is difficult and challenging, because you have to repeatedly wrestle with your anxiety to learn how to win. We get a lot of homework from our counselors as well. It is hard to cope with failure because perfectionism is in our blood. Be supportive of your partner both when they progress and regress. All battles are easier when you can face them with a partner.

10. Never forget that we love you.

Sometimes anxiety can evolve into rage or depression. It’s a shape-shifter; it takes on a lot of different forms. But in the midst of a bad episode or a difficult time, do not forget that we love you, we care about you, and we appreciate you more than you know. We appreciate you for standing by us when we are at our worst. Our supporters motivate us to keep growing and changing when things seem impossible. And having someone there who genuinely is interested in your well-being and happiness makes the whole “managing” thing easier. Thank you for everything that you do. We love you.

This story is brought to you by Thought Catalog and Quote Catalog.



An unhappy woman sitting

When the Voice of Anxiety Is in Your Head


Anxiety is depression’s evil twin. Where one can be found, the other lurks nearby. They work as a team, pairing up to make your path of healing follow longer, unpaved roads. Imagine you are sinking in sand. The depression is the sand holding you down. The anxiety is piling more on top of you to make sure you stay there. There is nothing to grab onto to pull you up, and no matter how hard you fight, you end up buried.

Anxiety is an emotion most people will feel at least once in their lives. For some, this anxiety is situational. When the trauma or loss has healed, the anxiety is either lessened or gone. For me and many other people, the same anxiety is not only heightened but prolonged. It does not always need a “situation” for it to occur.

Anxiety has its own unique voice in my head, which causes added stress and worry. It makes me overthink every moment of every day. It makes me question not only all the things I have done in the past but all the things I am doing now and plan to do in the future.

Anxiety causes me to doubt the simplest of decisions. It often prevents me from making any in the first place. It takes a normal situation like a resolved argument with a friend or family member and forces me to question if it is really resolved or not.

Something like a text not being answered in an “appropriate” time frame can blow my feelings disproportionately out of control. Imagine walking by a group of strangers who are laughing and your first instinct is not that someone must have said something funny. Instead, it is that they must be laughing at you. This is what anxiety can do.

The scale of anxiety ranges from a rapid heartbeat and tightness in your chest to a full blown, debilitating panic attack. I would like to say mine is somewhere in the middle; however, it is exacerbated by my borderline personality disorder (BPD), which slides me up the scale a bit. There is no chilling out, relaxing or even calming down. Telling me to do so is definitely an unwelcome idea.

Anxiety makes me think poorly of myself. It makes me think I am unwanted, unloved and reminds me constantly of the life I had “before” my illness. It makes me wonder if I am good enough to have friends and what they and everyone else thinks of me. It makes me afraid and nervous to attempt anything out of my comfort zone, with the dreaded fear of failure looming. It sometimes feels like the world is closing in on me, and there is nowhere for me to escape. It can be emotionally draining, frustrating and exhausting.

The stigma surrounding anxiety is not conducive to healing. Comments like, “Just cheer up,” “It’s all in your head,” or “Life’s too short to be sad and afraid,” all may be said with good intentions, but are the last things I want to hear. Do you not think if I, or anyone for that matter, could “just cheer up,” we would do so (as there is no enjoyment in anxiety)? There is no pleasure in keeping quiet in a conversation because I am afraid my words will be judged.

There is no fun in the fear felt when I am put in the spotlight or made the center of attention. The worst part about this relentless source of negativity and doubt is rationally you know it is lying. Yet, you just can’t quell the voice.

Image via Thinkstock.




My Double Life as Child Therapist and Mom to Anxious Kids


Parenting can be hard when you know all the signs and symptoms of every childhood mental health disorder. Every behavioral hiccup can be over evaluated and scrutinized. Every developmental struggle can be cause for serious alarm.

My introduction to my own child’s issues came as I sat in a post-graduate class on infant and toddler mental health. I listened as the instructor rattled off signs and symptoms that should trigger a cause for concern. I looked around the room and asked, “Isn’t that normal? Don’t all toddlers do that?” Eventually I stopped asking questions and quietly took notes. I realized I was not just a student. I was a worried mom.

I quickly found myself on the opposite end of services. I entered the world of early intervention and in-home services. At times I felt judged. At times I felt demeaned. I vowed to never make any parents feel that way. I stopped services and decided to wing it myself – after all, I was supposed to be a professional.

My oldest child’s issues were predominantly sensory in nature. She had her anxieties, but it was her sensory struggles that controlled our life. Luckily with some patience and time, she learned how to adapt and grew out of her debilitating issues. She still buys clothes based on how soft they feel, but shoes are not being flung at me anymore, so I’ll take it.

It seemed just as my oldest grew out of some of her more debilitating issues, my middle and youngest children stepped in to take her place. Anxiety is rampant in my family genetics, and my kids did not win the genetic lottery.

New struggles popped up before I could catch my breath. One was afraid of the potty. The other was crying at night that there are bees in the bedroom. No, it doesn’t make sense, but neither does anxiety. We deal with what anxiety wants to dish out – stomach painssleepless nights, fear and avoidance.

I have practiced what I preach and preach what I practice. It has been eye opening. Sometimes I forget to take my own advice and make mistakes. My husband will ask, “What would you tell your clients?” “I wouldn’t tell them to do this!” I think. Sometimes when you are so close to a problem, you can’t see it.

I often feel like the universe is playing a joke on me – making me earn the title of child therapist. Making me live what I teach.

Just like any parent, I have good days and I have bad days. I have days when I am struck with fear (the apple doesn’t fall far from the genetic tree)! I have nights where I toss and turn wondering if this latest issue is going to debilitate my child forever, if he will have issues as severe as the thousands of anxious kids I have seen in my practice. I quietly make mental notes in my head about how other kids’ struggles mirror his own. A scary checklist starts to pop up in my head. He does that too. Check. Check. Check.

Lately, I have been talking myself down. Partly because my kids are teaching me how strong and resilient they can be in those brave moments when they face their fears and don’t look back.

My son recently started first grade. I saw the usual signs revving up. A few days before school was about to begin he started to say, “My stomach hurts” all the time. I have taught him to recognize a worried stomach and so he was able to articulate his fears. “I think I am worried about school because my tummy is nervous.”

Knowing my child has already shown signs of OCD and debilitating anxiety, my mental dictator took advantage of my concerns and flashed scenarios of the hundreds of kids I have treated for anxiety.

He won’t be able to go to school. He will throw up and be sent home. He will cling to me and won’t be able to let go. He will get stomach aches every morning. He will start missing school. He will beg to stay home. He will miss so much school he’ll have to repeat 1st grade. He’ll want to be homeschooled.

This is not my paranoia (OK, maybe a little), but these are true stories being played out in my head. These are real life scenarios that have unfolded in my office hundreds of times before. Will he be one of those children? Will his anxiety get as bad as the other kids I see?

Sometimes I wish I did not have this inside view. Sometimes I wish I did not have the gift of knowing the significance of every small fear, phobia and ritual and what beast it can morph into.

This year (so far) my son has surprised me – again. Just like my daughter – my son’s anxiety did not get the best of him.

Yes, he clung to me the first day. But, then he acted like he didn’t know me as he self-consciously sat himself down. In the afternoon I held my breath as he got into the car. How bad was it going to be?

“I had a good day.” He said nonchalantly.

And then I exhale, for now.

We are still battling a slew of irrational fears and thoughts. I have become part mother, part philosopher as my anxious children ask me about their death, my death and all the many dangers that can bring us both there quicker.

Like I teach others, I am taking this whole parenting thing one day at a time. I am no longer going to entertain What if thoughts that want to dominate my mind. I am going to soak up my children as they are and not worry about what’s to come. At least for today.

Do you have anxious kids at home? What’s your story? Share in the comments. Do you know someone who can benefit from hearing this story? Share this article with them.

Image via Thinkstock.


When My Backpack Doubled as My Anxiety Survival Kit


I remember to this day the comments I would get about my little backpack from teachers, parents and friends: “Why are you carrying so many things?” They would say this as I had a small backpack slung over my shoulder and each class textbook piled up like an extreme game of Jenga. I would joke about how I wanted to be a bodybuilder or I’d say because I was a pack rat. To this day, I still get called a pack rat.

I would carry a regular sized backpack and a smaller one. I’m sure you are curious now, right? What was in this backpack? Why did 11 through 14 years old me carry this little backpack everywhere? Simple, it was my survival kit. It had a lot of pencils, matches, a blanket, twine rope, like the kind on hay bales and erasers. I had even hidden a pocket knife in a small secret pocket.

I was so scared of leaving my house I would pack anything, everything. My mind would race with all sorts of thoughts. What if my school bus got stuck on ice? What if someone followed me on my short walk from the first school bus to my transfer bus? What if I fell into a sinkhole and need to climb my way out? What if…? To this day, I still have to fight those words.

This world is scary. For a kid growing up, feeling their own mother didn’t even love her and knowing the dark world of drugs and sex, the only thing that helped were my little sisters. Cici was my rock. She stayed strong. Yet, she was the bird who was doing everything and was like a worker bee. She was busy. Callista was my teddy bear. She is my baby. I don’t think I will ever have my own kids. Callista is mine, though. I have been the only mom she has known since she was 2 years old.

With my little lights, the world wasn’t as scary. Yet, I needed the survival kit. I needed it. I even had hidden a backpack with my most important items in my closet, just in case a robber broke into my house.

I had to look behind me every time I got up to leave class. I have cried a couple times because I forgot homework. I just didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t understand why when I got up I was dizzy. Why did I sweat even outside of gym during the winter? Why did I get chills like when I was sick with a fever? I didn’t know why I couldn’t leave the house without everything I could possibly need. Why could my little sister Cici get up in the morning at 6:00 a.m. and do makeup and hair? Yet, I would get up at 5:00 a.m. and still wouldn’t have everything I needed by 6:30 a.m. when the bus came.

I still have to set my clothes out ahead of time when I am gonna have a busy day. My pencil case purse thing is filled still. I don’t carry the little backpack anymore. Instead, I take a tiny green and white pill. My anxiety is bearable. I can try and relax. Yet, I still get the fast heart rate, dizziness and chills. My body still throws me into fight-or-flight mode when a car horn goes off. I am learning how to deal with this. It is gonna probably take my whole life.

I will never forget that little backpack. Yet, I don’t need it. I can live without it. Just between you and I readers, I still have the survival kit in my closet. Someday, I hope I won’t even have that. I hope I can enjoy fireworks the way my family does. I want to have fun without worrying so much about the latest disaster. I want to be mindful of my life and stay grounded. With the memory of that little backpack. I will remember to keep trying my best to live life to the fullest with anxiety, not fighting against it.


How a $1 Bracelet Helps Me Manage My Anxiety


It’s small. It’s colorful. It’s twisty like a telephone cord. It only cost $1, and it has helped me on more occasions than I can count. I never take it off. Ever. It’s a child’s bracelet I found in a discount store, perhaps intended for dress-ups and play time. It has helped me so much that I went back and bought four more (which I’m glad I did because one has broken already).

So why has it helped me so much? Let me explain.

I have anxiety that can become quite intense at times, particularly around social situations and loud, crowded areas. When I find myself in situations that triggers my anxiety, I have a habit of scratching the skin on my hands to the point where they bleed. Often I do this unconsciously and don’t notice until it becomes painful. I really wanted to try and break this habit, and having this bracelet has become an important part of the solution.

Now when I feel my anxiety building, instead of scratching, I slide the bracelet down into my hand and use it as a fidget toy. I use my thumb to spin it round and round my middle three fingers. I wrap and unwrap its twists around one of my fingers over and over. I repeatedly tap it against my palm. Sometimes I even rub it against my lips, feeling the smoothness slide over, giving me a calming effect.

I have found the bracelet to be invaluable in helping me self-manage my anxiety. It gives me something else to do with my hands besides scratching. Has it completely stopped me scratching myself? No. Sometimes I forget about it. Sometimes anxiety hits too fast and too hard for me to even remember what I’m doing, let alone use the bracelet. But it has reduced it dramatically. As I never know when my next anxiety attack is going to hit, the ability to have this bracelet with me at all times is helpful because I know it will always be there when I need it.

Editor’s note: This is based on one person’s experiences and should not be taken as medical advice. Consult a doctor or medical professional for any questions or concerns you have.


3 Questions I Ask Myself When My Anxiety Starts to Affect My Relationships


Anxiety can often feel like a third person in your relationships. The anxiety can create distance based on irrationalism, fear and insecurity. Even the most loving, attentive, patient partner can suddenly feel unsafe and unreliable. A kiss can feel inauthentic; a kind word rings out like a lie. And if you don’t have the skills to combat it, it can lead you toward self-destructive behaviors that can tear away at even the most stable relationships.

I struggle with this. A lot. So I created a series of questions for myself to make sure I don’t open the floodgates to irrational and entirely unneeded relational strife:

1. What evidence/experience supports these thoughts?

“He doesn’t love me anymore.” “She’s mad at me.” “I am a terrible person.” “This is going to be bad.” These kinds of thoughts are not only toxic, they are powerful. They can trigger a series of behaviors that support their irrationality so what was once merely a fear becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes I need to physically respond to these thoughts and create pros and cons lists that either support a positive conclusion or work to negate irrational thinking.

2. What part of my cycle am I in? Are there other physical triggers?

I have significantly increased depression and anxiety symptoms during my menstrual cycle and fertility period. This is called premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD), and it affects a small percentage of women. Occasionally, the symptoms are debilitating for me. But some months, they are significantly reduced. So I have to track my cycle and keep tabs on my emotional and physical state during these times.

3. What can I do to release these emotions?

Whether you run or paint or cook or write or sing… it is so important to develop a go-to you can find release in. Personally, I work out and I write. This creates a safe space to fully dump all those fear-based, hard-to-deal-with emotions.

Now, I am not suggesting you avoid authentic communication with your friends, family or partner. Keep communicating. Keep building mutual understanding. Keep telling someone what you are feeling. But don’t make them responsible for your emotional well-being. You need to be responsible for it. They’re there to love and support you. But you have to develop ways to cope and sort through things on your own as well.

I hope this helps you, too. Remember that you are loved. And you are stronger than you realize.

Image via Thinkstock Images


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