When Borderline Personality Disorder Makes You a Walking Apology
This morning I apologized for breathing.
I have fallen prey to a cold, and I was breathing funny while talking. So I apologized. I’m sick and my breathing, the thing I have to do in order to live, was making me talk weird. Yet, there I was saying sorry.
I once tried to make it through an entire day without saying sorry, and I failed three hours in. I stubbed my toe in the office and yelped. I apologized because I had a reaction to hurting myself. I was in physical pain, and there I was apologizing again.
Living with borderline personality disorder (BPD), my brain often loves to lead me to the worst conclusions, which has lead to my awful habit of apologizing for stuff that isn’t my fault. Such as being sick, hurting myself or simply existing.
A guy who I like hasn’t messaged me back, but he’s read all of my messages. I better apologize for bothering him because I’m sure that’s what I did. I didn’t bother him. He was busy, but I better say sorry because I need him to like me.
People are looking at me funny at work today. I better apologize extra because I don’t want anyone to think badly of me because surely I must have done something to them that I have no idea about.
I even look like a walking apology. I cross my legs when I walk, slouched over with my arms as inward as possible. I don’t want to be in anyone’s way because then I would have to be sorry for that too.
What’s funny is that I pride myself in being a confident person. I like who I am, and I manage my BPD fairly well with medication and therapy. I didn’t realize I apologized so much until a good friend pointed it out. Then, I started noticing just how much I do it and worse, the reason why.
So now that I am aware of how much I apologize for things I cannot control, for existing, I am going to try to take a moment, breathe and think, “Should I really be sorry?”
Should you really be sorry? Unless you honestly screwed up, then the answer is no. This world is hard enough without us thinking we should be apologizing just for being alive. So today I ain’t sorry and you shouldn’t be either.
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