Although the occurrences of my battle with anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder may appear comical to some (like the time I nearly bailed on an amazing weekend in California for sudden fear of taking a flight at night), the day-by-day battle is no laughing matter.
There are good days. There are bad days. And there are real choices to be made on them all.
I’m learning more each day that my choices matter far more than good and bad days, as it’s ultimately up to me to apply the strength and support I’ve gathered to every single day. For me, it’s as simple and as difficult at that.
On good days, hiking at home in Colorado is a delightful discovery of fresh trails and fantastic views. On bad days, it’s a grueling fight through erroneous fears while forgetting the beauty of why I’m toughing through it all. Even so, I get to choose to enjoy every drop of good days and push through the frustrating lies on bad days.
On good days, my naturopathic remedies are a healing balm to my soul. On bad days, no prescription or potion can sooth the worry and weakening fears beating through my blood. Nevertheless, it’s my choice to continue on in what I know versus what I feel, as I know feelings are never the last word.
On good days, practicing yoga is a beautiful, blissful process of soothing my mind and strengthening my body. On bad days, it’s a mess as stress gets the best of me, leaving far less of me at ease. Nonetheless, it’s my choice to fully embrace the solace of good days and glean from my reservoir of strength on bad days.
On good days, interpersonal relationships are a breath of fresh air as I sense no reluctance to being open to practically everyone around me. On bad days, simply responding to social interaction can be a suffocating process as I have no desire to fully communicate for dread of being deemed “crazy” considering everyday definitions of “normal.” Even still, it’s always my choice to live withdrawn or wide-open, knowing no one can ever make me feel less than unless I give them power to do so.
On good days, personal prayer and meditation overflows with gratitude and comfort as I celebrate how good life is. On bad days, folded hands are frustrated fists unto God, as I don’t grasp how divine planning “missed it” in providing me a “normal” psyche. My obvious choice: Load up on the peace and empowerment from good days, and on bad days refuse to believe a bad day equates to an overall bad life while acknowledging the blessing of blossoming through it all.
On good days, my partner is a joy as he obviously empathizes with me and encourages me so well. On bad days, his words are insensitive jabs to my soul apparently proving he has no consideration for the frustrations I’m still trying to figure out how to explain to myself much less him. My choice: Bask in the good days with a good guy I get to enjoy life with, and tap into full gratitude mode on bad days, knowing that having a partner who doesn’t pity me nor pound me in my struggles is a blessing beyond the perfect words he truly doesn’t owe me.
The more I live with the fact of the mental challenges of my psyche, the more I’m determined to live out the truth that I’m not a victim to my life’s battle. I’m a victor understanding how to embrace the good days, face the bad days, and make grateful and courageous choices through it all.