Cancer is time-specific. A lot of time is spent waiting. Waiting for results, waiting for tests, waiting until you can have treatment, waiting until you have recovered from one treatment to have the next treatment, waiting to heal from surgery, waiting for side effects to disappear. The list is endless.

Waiting, as I’ve recently discovered, is daunting. I wonder how many minutes, hours and days are wasted waiting for time to pass. But I’m not waiting on health professionals today, though. Today I’m waiting for me. 

Today I’m waiting to feel like my old normal self. I’m waiting to feel carefree, bogged down only by life’s minor impracticalities. I’m waiting to wake up worrying that I haven’t put the bins out or hoping that it’s my day off and I don’t have to jump up at “silly” o’clock and get ready for school. I’m waiting to see if I will get mildly irritated that my son will ask me what’s for breakfast this morning even though he’s more than capable of making his own.

I’m waiting for the unattainable, and I’m waiting in vain. It’s like waiting for the last train that you know isn’t coming.

I will feel those feelings again about work, bins and breakfast, but never again in their own exclusivity. After my cancer bombshell, I can only feel those feelings alongside “cancer fears.” Cancer fear is the monkey on my shoulder that grows in stature, depending on my inner feelings. Some days it’s a huge gorilla, making me wonder if the ache in my stomach is stomach cancer or if the headache I’ve had all morning is a brain tumor or a rash is skin cancer. Or cancer fear can be just the fear of your cancer metastasizing at a later date or that your cancer has not been fully removed and will come back again.

This cancer fear is there every time I open my eyes. Sometimes it’s just a little monkey allowing me to immerse myself as much as possible into the normality of everyday tasks like the school run, shopping and defrosting the freezer.

Today, this fear is attempting gorilla status, and as I lie on my living room rug wrapped in my son’s arms, I wish and hope we can have many more years of hugs and try hard not to think about my own mortality as I press my cheek against his. I enjoy the feel of his skin against mine and soak up the moment. “The old normal” will never come, so instead I make a deal with myself to enjoy the moment and embrace the new normal.

I read somewhere that happiness is allowing yourself to be perfectly OK with “what is,” rather than wishing for and worrying about “what is not.” “What is” is what’s supposed to be, or it would not be. The rest is just you, arguing with life.

I think about that for a minute while reveling in the warmth of my son’s cheek, waiting for him to stir and gently detach my cheek from his.

A version of this post originally appeared on The Huffington Post.

The Mighty, in partnership with Fuck Cancer, is asking the following: What do you wish you had found on Google when you were first diagnosed? Find out how to email us a story submission here.

RELATED VIDEOS


To wear or not wear the bathing cap.

This was my dilemma one late summer afternoon in 2013. I was a recent “graduate” of surgery plus chemo for breast cancer, and I was enjoying a brief hiatus before daily radiation treatments started up in October. My sons, ages 6 and 8 then, were with me in the locker room of our local YMCA in Woburn, Massachusetts, as I debated whether or not to wear a hot pink bathing cap.

It was my children who wanted to swim that day, not me. When they asked me about it that morning, I lied and said I had to work. I was a freelance writer then, but business was slow. The truth was I didn’t want anyone to see me bald.

“Please, Mama,” Jonas begged as he shimmied onto my lap. “Can we swim?”

It had been a tough six months for them, too. “OK,” I said.

My husband watched the kids as I ran to a local sporting goods store for a bathing cap. I hadn’t worn one since I was a kid at Camp Monroe in Orange Country, New York, back in the ‘80s. The choices overwhelmed me. Should I go with simple white? Or the more fun cupcake one? The American flag was too patriotic. After several wasted minutes that I’ll never get back, I grabbed a hot pink cap and called it a day.

“Why not just swim without one?” a friend asked when she called later that morning. I explained I wasn’t comfortable flaunting my baldness. Self-consciousness, specifically about my hair, came to call around age 12, and it’s never left. Back then, it was all about having the perfect feathered bangs like Farrah Fawcett in “Charlie’s Angels.”

I’d had a love/hate (mostly hate) relationship with my hair for decades — always wishing I could trade my coarse wavy mane for something smooth, shiny and straight. Combine that with my aversion to risk taking (simply stepping into an elevator or a revolving door is angst-ridden enough for me), and you’d never find me skydiving or bungee jumping like my cousins who inherited some crazy daredevil gene I did not.

Out of everything during treatment, chemotherapy scared me the most, but not because I’d lose my hair. I was terrified of feeling sick, of vomiting, of all the unknowns. As for my locks, I scoffed when someone suggested I could keep them by freezing my scalp after each chemo session with what she called a “cold cap.” It sounded unpleasant. And cold.

After the hair was gone, I immediately hid my naked noggin under a fabulous auburn wig a friend bought for me. I also purchased several hats and various coverings, what my mother would have called “schmattas,” the Yiddish word for rags. She never saw my schmattas, however, as she died of ovarian cancer in 2002 at age 69. Like me, she wore a stylish wig much of the time. I never saw her bald.

Unfortunately, when I first tried to slip the pink bathing cap on my head in the Y locker room, it was like trying to stuff a grapefruit into one of my kids’ socks.

“I don’t think I can wear it,” I said to the boys. “It’s too tight.”

“But you have to wear it,” Jonas said.

“Why?”

“Because people will think you’re weird,” he said.

“Yeah, Mom,” my older son chimed in. “You should wear it.”

That’s when I recalled the bald woman I’d made eye contact with in the grocery store that week. I stared at this woman, hoping she would notice me — hoping she would see that we were “one,” she and I, under my schmatta. When our eyes finally met, I smiled. She, however, did not. I’d been judged.

And so it was her disapproving face, I believe, that pushed me over the edge that day at the Y. I would show her — and my kids and my crippling self-conscious self — that I could do this thing. That after all I’d been through already — the blood draws, the biopsies, the surgery, the chemo — I could get in a pool bald and survive.

So instead of packing up and heading for the parking lot, I chucked the bathing cap back in my locker and confidently said, “Let’s go swimming guys!” 

“Really?” Ethan said looking at my head. “Like that?”

I nodded.

“OK,” he said and shrugged.

“OK,” Jonas agreed.

In the pool, my boys played as though nothing was unusual. Strangers looked at me: not all, but some. A little girl floating by on a couple of noodles stared in the obvious way kids do. I smiled and she turned away, then turned back once more just to make sure I was still bald. I saw the curly-haired, young lifeguard who had taught my kids to swim. We made eye contact, and he smiled politely. There were others who looked, but no one pointed, or laughed or said anything.

Swimming bald, I discovered, was no big deal. Rather, it was just one more reminder that scary things in life often don’t turn out as bad as we think they will. Swimming bald made me feel bold. Sure, it was nothing compared to jumping out of an airplane. But like the silky pool water as it lapped against my smooth, naked head, damn, it felt good.

Lead photo source: Thinkstock Images

The Mighty, in partnership with Fuck Cancer, is asking the following: What was one thing you thought immediately after your diagnosis that you completely changed your mind about? Find out how to email us a story submission here.


In September of 2014 (soon after my 40th birthday), I felt a small lump in my breast. I made the proper calls and arrangements for testing, but I kept convincing myself it was “just a cyst.”

However, after a mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy, doctors confirmed my worst fears: I had Stage IIB triple-negative breast cancer, and I was devastated. Ironically, on the first day of Breast Cancer Awareness Month, I met with my oncologist. I was still reeling from the shock as we figured out my game plan and looked ahead to what would be a long year of chemotherapy, surgeries and radiation.

Before I could process any of it, I was on the Cancer Train. And once it starts, it starts fast.

It’s difficult to watch your body betray you and become unrecognizable. It’s equally hard to lose control over it. While in the fog of chemotherapy — and trying to keep whatever I could eat down — being stylish was the last thing on my mind. During my second round, I ran my hand through my hair, and clumps came out. I started crying.

Yes, I knew this would happen. Yes, I knew it would grow back. But, guess what? It. Still. Sucked.

Trying to ignore the fact that my hair was disappearing, I dared not comb it or mess with it too much, in fear of shaking it and having to watch more fall out. Every night, I had my boyfriend sweep the hair from the bathroom, so I would not see it in the morning. I finally realized I couldn’t stop it, so I thought maybe it would be a good opportunity to try that pixie cut I’d always wanted. Unfortunately, my hairdresser informed me in a whisper that she couldn’t cut it that short; she had to leave my hair longer on top to cover the bald patches underneath.

Rocking a combover, I still couldn’t bring myself to have that shaving party everyone recommends to “take control of it.” I had bought a wig in preparation, but I just wasn’t ready yet. Finally, after attending a breast cancer support group in a hat and meeting fellow breast cancer survivors, I felt ready to face the inevitable.

That night, my boyfriend shaved my head (since he keeps his hair neatly shorn, he knows his way around clippers). I closed my eyes and cried as my remaining hair fell around me. When he finished, he kissed my head and said, “Look! We match!”

The next day, I felt free. It was finally done and over with, and I could stop dreading watching my hair fall out. With a background in fashion, I was determined to keep my style sense throughout treatment. Wanting to look more natural, I never wore my wig. Instead, I had fun experimenting with scarves during chemo and received lots of compliments. Cancer took many things from me, but I wouldn’t let it take my style!

Although everyone kept telling me I didn’t “look sick” — believe me, I was! — staying stylish was still important to me, and the extra confidence boost helped me feel better through it all.

Because it benefitted me so much, I wanted to create a resource to assist others who’ve received a breast cancer diagnosis to keep their sense of style during treatment. Survivor Moda (a play on “survivor mode,” using the Spanish word for fashion, moda) was born. While still in radiation treatment, I decided to sew a seatbelt pillow to keep my chest comfortable during the car rides to and from the hospital. (And I have used it every day since.) A fellow breast cancer survivor pal was due to have surgery, so I made one for her as a gift before she was admitted. She was so excited and said, “I didn’t even know I needed this!” I assured her although she may not have considered it before, she would be glad to have it when she left the hospital. After seeing her response and hearing feedback from other breast cancer survivors, I turned my creation into The ParkPuff™: a portable, stylish, chest-comforting seatbelt pillow.

Cancer is a long road. Along the way, I enjoyed each of my completed milestones. Every treatment phase I finished meant one more closer to the end. I’ll never forget my chemo buddies, the beautiful fellow cancer survivors who gave me strength and all of my wonderful treatment teams, with whom I was always sure to thank and celebrate when I was done.

Rachel Park
Clockwise from top left: My final chemo day; my first walk after surgery; my final radiation day; my first post-chemo haircut.

After a long year (and then some) of treatment including 15 rounds of chemotherapy, three surgeries and 32 radiation treatments, I’m thankful to officially be declared cancer-free!

But now what?

Getting rid of cancer had been my “job” for the past year, and now, it was finally over. What’s tough now is everyone expects me to “get back to normal.” What does that even mean?

What will life look like, now that it won’t be filled with revolving doctors’ visits, pokes, prods and scans? What happens now that I’m not being constantly watched? Who am I, now that cancer is gone? How do I know it won’t return? How do I “get busy living” while under the constant concern of recurrence?

When I was diagnosed, a family member connected me with a breast cancer survivor. At the end of our phone call, she talked about us having a “gift” now. I didn’t understand at the time, but now I do. The “gift” is a profound awareness of time, how finite it is, who I want to spend it with, and more importantly, who I don’t want to spend it with.

Everything is more meaningful. After spending over a year under a “cancer cloud,” I’ve realized “no” isn’t a bad word. Life is too short to do things you don’t want to. I live more authentically now. I laugh and love more deeply. I surround myself with people who lift me up, not weigh me down. Unlike before, instead of worrying about what I don’t have, I’m grateful for what I do.

I’m alive and cancer-free… what’s not to celebrate?

The Mighty, in partnership with Fuck Cancer, is asking the following: What’s the best advice you’ve gotten or a mantra that spoke to you following your diagnosis?  Find out how to email us a story submission here.


A cancer diagnosis is obviously devastating at any age. Forget chemo-induced puking and hair loss, the issues facing younger women going through cancer treatment run much deeper, but are often ignored and belittled by healthcare professionals. However, with 10 percent of breast cancer patients being diagnosed under the age of 45, and approximately 850 a year under 35 in the UK alone, these issues need to be discussed openly:

1. Mortality rates. A cancer diagnosis is scary enough, but to find out that you’re more likely to die if you are diagnosed under 35? Well, that sucks! We have more life to live, yet are more likely to die from it. This is due to the cancer normally being more aggressive when it’s diagnosed at a later stage. It’s picked up when symptomatic, rather than at an early stage on a mammogram. Plus prognoses are often spoken about in one, five, or 10 years…but that only takes me to 43. I want to live much longer than that.

2. Fertility issues. Chemotherapy can cause infertility, and some women will be on drugs for the following 10 years, so even if they are not left infertile, the 10-year delay can push them past the “child-bearing age.” This issue is often the most heart-breaking side effect for younger women – having to mourn their infertility while their healthy friends are happily procreating around them. There is the possibility of freezing embryos and eggs, but only if there is time and funding is available, or they have the cash to fund it themselves. Shockingly, many young women don’t have their options discussed before starting treatment. That needs to change.

3. Having a young family. If infertility isn’t an issue, they may already have young children or babies. Many are diagnosed while pregnant or breastfeeding. They have to “carry on as normal” throughout their treatment, juggling the 101 things moms have to do, alongside constant hospital appointments, surgery, treatment and dealing with all of the “yucky” side effects. Alongside this, they have the heartbreak of explaining what is happening to their children and dealing with their children’s reactions and fears, while facing the very real possibility they might not be around to see them grow up.

4. Career. Many young women are diagnosed in the throes of their career. The constant hospital visits for surgery, scans, blood tests and treatments and the resulting side effects and recovery times make it almost impossible to continue a 9-5 job, let alone put in the additional hours. There are also other lingering side effects that continue long after treatment has finished, such as extreme fatigue and “chemo-brain” (cognitive impairment as a result of chemo that can make your head feel really foggy and affect your memory and ability to concentrate which is extremely frustrating) that can make it almost impossible to perform like before. I know of far too many young women who have missed out on promotions or been demoted following their cancer diagnosis. With the pressure on young women to prove themselves, this creates a huge hurdle and can lead to financial issues.

5. Early menopause.
Boom! Straight into hot flashes (volcanic lava hot), insomnia, night sweats, mood swings, anxiety, weight gain and dryness (whispers) *down there.* Rather than being eased into menopause over many, many years, our hormones are prematurely turned off and the result can be extreme. And since the plan is to lower estrogen as much as possible, it is difficult to take hormone replacement therapies (HRT) or natural remedies, and we are often left to just deal with it.

6. Body issues. I know we all have body issues regardless of our age, but even I have to admit that mine are fewer in my 30s than in my 20s and teens. My body is unrecognizable since my treatment and chemo. The younger you are, the more you don’t want to be seen as “different” and many are single and have yet to meet their life partner. To be left “one-boobed,” overweight and scarred can severely knock the confidence in many young women.

7. Isolation. No matter how amazing your friends are, they are less likely to understand, as we just haven’t had other friends go through cancer at our age. They also have their own busy lives to get on with. In hospital for my treatments and surgeries, I was often the only one under 50 — cue lots of tilting heads and pitying looks.

However, the good news is there are some brilliant resources out there for young women – and they proved invaluable for me. For breast cancer, Breast Cancer Care runs Younger Women Together weekends and there’s a brilliant secret Facebook group called Younger Breast Cancer Network (set up by my friend Vickie who was also diagnosed in her 30’s) with over 2,500 members all under the age of 45 in the UK. It provides support from diagnosis to beyond treatment, as well as those whose cancer has spread. It also offers the opportunity to meet others of a similar age and at a similar treatment stage local to you. Vickie also works tirelessly to make things better for us young folk with charities and hospital trusts. For those facing other cancers, Shine Cancer Support is for those in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s and has regular local meet-ups and workshops. Just connecting with others your age going through the same thing is therapeutic and makes you feel less alone.

For those of us lucky enough to still be here, we try our best to go on and fulfill enriching, happy lives with many of us doing things that act as good examples to those in the early stages of diagnosis. Many women I’ve met through my cancer journey continue to fundraise, speak publicly, set-up businesses, campaign for better care or drug availability and and have created charities and support networks. They are all determined to make something good from something awful.

A cancer diagnosis is devastating at any age. We need to make sure the relevant help and support is offered to each and every person.

The Mighty, in partnership with Fuck Cancer, is asking the following: What do you wish you had found on Google when you were first diagnosed? Find out how to email us a story submission here.


In 2013, I was diagnosed with Stage 1 breast cancer. I never would have imagined the whirlwind my life would become — mastectomy, reconstructive surgery, emergency surgery to remove the reconstructive tissue expander hardware because of a terrible infection, and finally, chemotherapy.

In the thick of it, my friend, Danielle, who only two years before had become paralyzed from the chest down after falling 300 feet in a rock-climbing accident, told me, “I’m sure you will go through a period of grief, but I’m glad they found your cancer. You’re going to be OK. Now you’re in the club of super-strong women who conquered this! Sometimes I feel like this accident is the best thing that happened to me.”

Part of me didn’t want to believe Danielle, but another part of me knew she was right. And she was! More than two years later, I not only conquered cancer, but I also kicked chemo’s butt. I refused to let myself feel defeated or depressed. I refused to curl up into a ball and die, even though there were days when I felt so fatigued I barely had the strength to breathe.

Just like Danielle learned life lessons from her fall, I learned important lessons from chemo:

1. It’s only hair.

Hair grows back, sometimes bigger and better than before. Besides, I’m not defined by my hair — none of us are, chemo or not. I started to appreciate the fact that a “bad hair day” was infinitely better than a “no hair day.”

2. Appreciate life’s simple pleasures.

There were days when I felt so awful that the best thing that happened to me was sliding between the bed sheets. When even your skin hurts, there’s something to be said for simple pleasures like those clean, soft sheets or the scent of lavender on your pillow.

3. Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill.

In a weird way, being on chemo forces you to take everything else in stride. You realize pretty soon that everything other than cancer — missing a train or being late for your dentist appointment — is no biggie compared to the suck factor of chemo.

4. Savor every bite of food.

When you feel nauseous most of the time, even a morsel of food that doesn’t make you retch is a gift. Although I had meds to keep the queasiness in check, my mouth felt as dry as ash. I tried to savor every bite as best I could, and chew slowly and thoughtfully. And I try like hell to keep that thought with me afterwards.

5. Size doesn’t matter.

Only being, and staying, healthy does. I didn’t lose weight on chemo; the steroids I had to take along with them made me ravenous. I was getting up in the middle of the night and eating cold hamburgers from the fridge. My main goal was to get strong enough for my next chemo infusion, so I could get the nightmare behind me and focus on being well. So I stopped weighing myself. I stopped counting Weight Watchers points. I just fixated on staying strong. And even today, carrying around extra pounds from the meds I take daily to keep my estrogen level down, I still try to take that in stride. After all, there are worse things than a jelly belly.

This story by Catherine Gigante-Brown originally appeared on Ravishly.com, a feminist news and culture website. Follow Ravishly.com on Twitter and Facebook and check out these related stories:

• Calling Double Mastectomies ‘Overkill’ Misses the Point

• Ticking Time Bomb: Life as a Cancer Survivor

• I Was Breastfeeding, Until I Was Diagnosed With Breast Cancer

Imagine someone Googling how to help you cope with your (or a loved one’s) diagnosis. Write the article you’d want them to find. If you’d like to participate, please check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.


My relationship with the evil being called cancer started when I was only 2 weeks old, when my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer. I didn’t know a lot about it growing up, other than it was something that made people sick.

As I got older, more and more family members fought this breast cancer menace. Doctors believe it is genetically related to, but not the same as, the recognized “Jolie genes,” BRCA 1 and 2. My beautiful aunts lost their hair, but not their pride or dignity. When I reached my 20s, I was referred to the breast clinic and told my options to prevent this from entering my family’s little world.

Prophylactic, bilateral, preventative, mastectomy — the words floated around my mind for months. The hard truth was my healthy breasts, which were used to feed and nurture my two babies for almost a year each, had to be removed.

I found out the facts, spoke to psychologists, checked the boxes, and booked my operation in August 2015. The day came like Christmas to a child, the nervous excitement and butterflies that build up; the relief that it’s finally here, the day I can take a stand against this evil. It would not take me.

Amanda shows her mastectomy scars.
Amanda shows her mastectomy scars.

I had both breasts removed on August 6, 2015, and I felt like the weight had been lifted from my shoulders. No more worrying; my 97 percent estimated risk was obliterated. I now have far less of a chance (5 percent) of breast cancer developing than the average woman, who has a 12 percent risk.

Three weeks post operation, I got an infection in the wound area. I tried to defend my new body using antibiotics and IV drips, but to no avail. I was advised the tissue expander for reconstruction had to be removed. To make matters worse, the only surgery day available was on my baby girl’s fourth birthday. I hit a low.

I came home with a heavy heart and a hard-to-fill emptiness. Over the next few weeks of hospital visits, I had a decision to make. What should I do? Reconstruct one breast? Leave them both?

I had a holiday ahead; this did not fit my plans. I had not wagered on any problems occurring, but still. I was fortunate. I did not have cancer!

Three months down the line, reconstruction of the right breast aka Foob (fake, fantastic, fabulous and free boob) had taken place, and I was now unique, like a unicorn. I was a “unifoob!”

Three more months later, I received news (with some forceful complaining to my surgeon) that I had a date for surgery before Christmas. I had my expander replaced and have now reconstructed both breasts. I have used my chance to remove my ticking time bombs and prevent this from casting a shadow over my little world.

One thing I had decided on before going ahead with surgery was that I wanted to share my story. I wanted to help other women who were in limbo wondering how scary the scars would be, and if they would still be the same women they were before losing such a beautiful, womanly part of themselves. So I plucked up the courage and inner strength to document blog, and post every detail of my journey. I hope it helps any woman facing this decision.

Follow this journey on Mastectomy My Way: Cancer, You Lose.

The Mighty is asking the following: What’s one thing people might not know about your experience with disability, disease or mental illness, and what would you say to teach them? If you’d like to participate, please send a blog post to [email protected] Please include a photo for the piece, a photo of yourself and 1-2 sentence bio. Check out our Submit a Story page for more about our submission guidelines.

Real People. Real Stories.

8,000
CONTRIBUTORS
150 Million
READERS

We face disability, disease and mental illness together.