When the Darkness Scares People Away Before They Can See the Light

Every aspect of life overwhelms me.

Going to the store, going to work, talking to people, existing.

It’s just so much and it is so exhausting.

I feel like I’m a burden on my friends and family, and that makes me feel so terrible.

I’m trying so hard to be an independent adult and I am failing miserably.

I don’t let people know how bad it is though.

I’ve created this mask I show everyone, because I know people are sick of hearing me whine.

I just want to give up.

I just want it all to be over.

I am so tired of trying.

Do you know what it’s like to never feel happy?

To have to fake every smile?

It’s torture.

Trying to be open about my illness is hard.

It’s beyond hard.

Everyone tells me to be positive, to push myself, to change my thinking. As if I can some how magically rewire the inter-workings of my mind, with the snap of my fingers.

I would give anything to calm the chaos of my mind. But sadly, it doesn’t care what I want.

I have a hard time finding the words to express what is going on in the desert of my mind. But I don’t understand it half the time. I just know it is:

Pain.

Darkness.

Sadness.

Guilt.

Shame.

Self-hatred

Fear.

Anxiety.

But because I feel all those things, doesn’t mean I don’t feel the good things sometimes. I feel love for people, and when I love someone, I love them with a passionate fire even the darkest spots of my mind cannot dim out. But despite that intense love, most people will not stick around because they don’t like the darkness.

But the demons in my mind, we are best friends. They love me with a passion and will never let me go. But at least in a way I will never be alone. Sometimes it feels easier to hide; to never love again.

The stigma on mental illness is so great, it scares people away before they even see it first hand.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.