When You Are Always Addicted to Something
For as long as I can remember, I have been addicted to something. Whether it was the rush of trying to steal things when I was a little kid. Or singing in front of crowds. Or gymnastics. Or starving. Or drugs. Addiction is just part of my make-up. I get intensely passionate about the things that matter to me and make me feel good because I’m constantly chasing a high.
A lot of my friends didn’t understand how when I started drinking and using drugs, I was able to eat more normally. Or why when I got clean, I all of sudden started working out more and eating less. Truth be told, I knew why. It was because something else was filling that space in me that needs to be fed. The part of me that thrives on an internal high. Of feeling like I’m invincible and flying.
I constantly check in with myself because I know this about myself. I know that just because I’m not ingesting substances, doesn’t mean the addiction is better. It means I’m not currently using those things. But it could very well mean I’m running away from things or not eating enough. It could mean I’m obsessing about anything or everything. Because that’s what addiction is. It’s wanting everything and nothing. It’s never knowing what’s too much.
If you know what I’m talking about, you’re not alone. If you don’t, be grateful. The highs are great, but the lows are a whole other story.
I have found a couple of ways to cope with having an addictive personality. Hopefully they can help you too. One way is through writing out what I’ve been doing and thinking. Usually if I put it on paper, I can see if there’s a pattern. You can’t change unless you know what’s wrong. Another way is to try and see it for the good it can bring you. If I’m constantly fighting it and denying the personality trait, I usually get lost and hurt. But if I really focus on using it for good, it can be so rewarding. There are two sides to every trait. And addiction can become passion when used correctly.
The most important thing I have found, though, is having a group of people around me who know how I act. This way they can also point out my behaviors to me. Because denial is real for addicts and can be hard to see through. If nothing else, having at least one person who knows my patterns can be so helpful.
If you or someone you love is struggling with addiction, head here for resources. You can also text 741741 from anywhere in the USA to text with a trained Crisis Counselor.
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Image by Rulles