The Google Search History of a Person With Depression
Usually I hit up the Google machine for super boring reasons. I need directions. I can’t remember the name of a song. You get it. But when I’m depressed, Google goes from being my concierge to my confidant. Google is there as I move from denial to desolation, capturing my lowest moments and my most earnest attempts at self-care.
I recently emerged from three months of darkness… and my search history shows it. Some of the searches took place in my cubicle, others underneath the covers. I was feeling a lot when I typed each phrase, and their collective weight is akin to the heaviness that was in my heart.
So – before I change my mind about sharing this – here’s an uncensored chronology of my latest bout with depression:
Because, you know, maybe my professionally-trained therapist was wrong.
I like to keep my depression casual when drafting emails to coworkers.
“how to stop sleeping so much”
Never in my life have I been so confused about whether it was 8 a.m. or p.m
“can people tell I’m depressed”
It would probably help if I dried my hair and wore legit pants.
“dog adoption beagle”
I’m so lonely.
“short-term disability depression”
Is there any chance I could cry at home instead of at work?
“what they tell you on a suicide hotline”
Seems rude to call a hotline person in the middle of the night. I’ll just ask the internet.
“makeup application minneapolis”
Getting my makeup done for a friend’s [extremely casual] birthday party will bring my self-confidence back, right? Right?
“how to move past depression”
That makeup idea definitely didn’t work.
“pinterest inspirational quotes”
Never felt more basic in my life.*
*For the record, I found one I loved. It goes like this, “At any given moment, you have the power to say: This is not how the story is going to end.”