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What I’ve Learned Not to Do While Grieving a Miscarriage


There are so many different ways to grieve.

For some, a good solid cry helps to empty the soul of the pain that seems to stab like a knife at various times.

For others, there’s speeding down a country road, kicking up the dirt and rocks behind as if kicking the pain and sorrow out of sight.

There’s curling up with a favorite blanket and binge-watching your favorite show, while eating spoonful after spoonful of your favorite cookie dough.

There’s running on a nearby trail as fast as your feet will carry you, until you can’t run anymore, and then letting out the most heart-wrenching yell.

There’s sitting on a cold, hard rock, listening to the calming rhythm of a small waterfall, hoping the sound of peacefulness will erase the sting of pain.

For some, the gym could be right up the street with a punching bag calling your name to help empty your heart and mind of the anger and hurt that has built up.

And then for some, there’s just staring blankly while going about your day-to-day schedule on autopilot.

Whatever your choice may be, grieving is a must when it comes to any loss of life. That’s how one is able to “move on,” if we can even call it that. Whether it be a friend or a relative who left too soon, we all must grieve in our own ways and in our own time. And that includes when that loss of life was inside you.

Yes, I’m talking about miscarriage. As one who has endured several miscarriages, the most recent having been just this week, I know the varying levels of emotions one can go through. There’s the shock of realizing you will never get to meet your precious little one face to face. There’s the anger in knowing that cuddling your wee one won’t happen, that kisses on their tiny face, and their finger wrapped around yours will be just a dream. There’s the sorrow in knowing you won’t be able to watch them grow up into an amazing young man or woman and witness all they’ll accomplish on the way. And there’s the agony of it all that can overtake your heart and mind and leave you wondering what you could have done wrong to go through such heartbreak.

Friend, let me tell you (and remind myself as I write this in tears), you didn’t do anything wrong. I can’t say why that precious life was taken so soon, but I can tell you that you are not alone. You are not alone in this. You are loved, and there are others (friends, family, co-workers, etc.) who do care about you and are there for you during this horrible time of loss. Lean on them. Let them help you — as hard as that may be — whether that means taking your older children for even just a little bit or coming to help you around the house.

Whatever you do, do not try to go through this time alone. Yes, I know not everyone may understand the pain and sorrow you are experiencing, and some may even say the wrong things (unintentionally, though). But experiencing a miscarriage has been one of the hardest things I’ve gone through. And no one should ever have to go through that alone.

Image via Thinkstock.