Miscarriage

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The M Word

Let’s talk about it.

Better yet, let’s not.

Miscarriage is a silent grenade –

blowing a conversation to bits

before anyone sees it coming.

Ricocheting in the silence –

leaving us stunned and horrified in its wake.

I used to avoid this weapon of mass destruction –

not wanting to wound others

when I am already bleeding myself.

But you asked

and asked,

and asked.

And I am tired of the non-answers,

the cheery deflections,

the tactful diversions.

So, I will pull the pin out.

I will drop the bomb,

watch the destruction unfold,

feel the air grow heavy with discomfort.

But as my detonation reaches its conclusion

and you stand in shell-shocked silence,

I feel a sudden wave of guilt.

Because now we are both in pain,

the shrapnel of my honesty

piercing our social norms.

But to be fair -

You felt comfortable asking why I’m not drinking,

if we’re “trying,”

if I have “something” to tell you,

if “number two” is coming soon.

A barrage of questions invading

my deepest fear and grief.

And I’m confused –

because suddenly you cannot meet my eyes.

Suddenly you’re not comfortable hearing

that “number two” has already come and gone –

and while we’re at it, so has number three.

So as the dust of our ruined conversation settles –

let disaster relief efforts commence.

“Luckily it was early.”

Yes, lucky indeed – I say

as I hold the pieces of my heart in my hands.

“It will happen.”

Yes, but this also happened –

and it’s still happening every time I close my eyes.

“Time heals all.”

Does it now?

Tell that to any woman who’s lived it.

Watch her eyes as she is transported back to that moment –

to that first stab of pain in her belly,

to that first splash of red blood in her underwear,

to that first sickening punch to the gut as she realizes

what is happening to her, to them –

maybe for the first time,

or maybe again.

You wanted to know how I am -

so I am telling you.

I am healing.

I am strong.

But look at me.

No, I said look at me -

I am grieving.

I am grieving.

I am grieving.

And I am not alone.

#Miscarriage #Parenting

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break up with a suicidal girl #SuicidalIdeation #Suicide #SuicidalThoughts #BipolarDepression #Depression #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #MentalHealth

my boyfriend left me without a warning (that’s my point of view, despite he says that he talk a lot about, thing that i just can’t remember) but in her words “because i don’t want to deal with your addiction anymore”.

i don’t understand, i simply don’t. we were happy together, rarely argue, our personalities matched, nothing seems wrong. now i miss him so much, i’m falling apart without him, my heart is broken, in pieces, i’m barely breathing.
i love him more than everything in this world, life seems very pointless if i’ll not live the dreams we dreamed together. now i’ve left dreaming alone.
also, i have several mental illnesses and my mom killed herself a few years ago, i do treatment and all, but is still difficult…

well, i think that nothing else matters cause he was my last attempt to being happy.

but my life are made to be suffering and crying out loud until i have the courage to end up this shit.

#Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Depression #Miscarriage #SuicidalIdeation #PersonalityDisorders #Suicide #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #MentalHealth #Grief #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

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Baby loss awareness week #babyloss #Miscarriage #rememberance #Support

It is baby loss awareness week again with Sands charity and I wanted to share that I shall be lighting 3 candles for my babies whose hearts stopped beating. Sending love and peace to all those other parents who understand that we never forget xxx

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💙Happy Father’s Day💙

HAPPY FATHERS’ DAY!! And a special shoutout to:
all the fathers who can’t be with their children;
all the children who can’t be with their mothers; and those whose dreams of fatherhood did not come true! 💝

#FathersDay #Parenthood #ChildLoss #Miscarriage #MightyMoment #MightyTogether

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Feeling empty #Grief

Do you know that feeling of... well, nothing?
When everything - every memory, every feeling - is just so much that you shut down?

When you want to cry, but you can't?

Having that feeling right now.
I woke up to a dream of miscarriage.
I've lost what could have been my first child because I was forced to have an abortion by someone I thought I knew prior, but who raped me and then did this on top of it.
Worst thing is that as much as this child was a product of rape, I never wanted to kill any child of mine by abortion.
Because it was not at fault for what had happened. And yet I ended its life through taking two pills. I even caught it when it came out and buried it in my backyard.

I was so alone through all of this. My family still doesn't know a thing and I'm scared to tell them. Because - hey, life sucks sometimes - my father was diagnosed with uncurable cancer two months prior to the rape and then died at the end of last year too. A year prior both my last grandparents died. And before and in between so much death of my animals, I can't start to list it here.

In addition to that, I will have to take a leadership role in an organization I am in and just feel very inadequate and as if everyone else would be a better qualified fit than me. And I'll have to take an exam to qualify myself further in a completely unrelated area soon. But in addition to not feeling secure in how to talk correctly in the exam, I got so many negative comments about things I did wrong while practicing.

I'm really questioning if I am worth anything and if I should even attempt the exam and that role. It's like I'm destined to fail.

And somehow I'm just subconciously waiting for the next shit to turn up and destroy me all over again. Sometimes I'm just tired.

#Grief #Miscarriage #Cancers #Trauma #PTSD #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth

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💐Happy Mother’s Day (UK)💐

HAPPY MOTHERS’ DAY (UK)!! And a special shoutout to:
the mothers who can’t be with their children;
the children who can’t be with their mothers; and those whose dreams of motherhood did not come true! 💝

#MothersDay #ChildLoss #Miscarriage #MightyMoment #MightyTogether

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❤️‍🩹Grief Can Feel Like a Prison❤️‍🩹

Grief can feel like you’re trapped in a prison while the rest of the world seems to be wizzing passed without you. It’s important to remember to reach out for help because someone may have the key that helps you set yourself free. 💔❤️‍🩹

#Grief #ChildLoss #Miscarriage #Depression #MentalHealth #itsokaynottobeokay

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A sponsored post on Facebook I literally just found. 🙃🤬

It's hard enough for a person who has a #Miscarriage or an #Abortion and here they are making it worse.. How do they expect us to take care of ourselves and have proper care? Where do we have to go for safety? The answer to that is they don't and they are removing safe places.
#MentalHealth #Anxiety #Depression

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Why there aren’t any groups on abortion?

I am Pro choice and I think people who decide to go through with it need support. It’s a tough decision to make regardless of the reasons why they decided to choose that route. Pregnancy is more than bringing a life into this world for many women. Women who choose to not go to term need just as much support as those who go full term and opt for adoption. The stigma needs to be broken as abortion has been going on for centuries before laws around women’s reproductive rights have been enacted. #MentalHealth #Miscarriage #Depression #Anxiety #Loneliness

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