Miscarriage

Born Sleeping

You were supposed to grow up with your siblings.
I was supposed to watch you grow.
I was supposed to hear your first cry,
watch you take your first steps,
hear your little laugh,
watch your siblings love you,
annoy you, protect you,
and make memories with you
that would last a lifetime.

But you were born sleeping.

And some days I still can’t understand
how I was supposed to say hello
and goodbye
in the very same breath.

I held you in my arms
when I should’ve been taking you home.

I kissed your little face
when I should’ve been kissing scraped knees,
tucking you into bed,
and whispering,
“Goodnight, baby. I love you.”

I memorized every little part of you
because somewhere deep inside,
I knew I wouldn’t get to watch
those little pieces of you grow.

And God,
I wish I could have.

I wish I could’ve watched you become
everything you were meant to be.

But maybe you were meant for greater things.

Maybe heaven needed
another angel—
perfect, innocent,
beautiful and pure.

Born sleeping,
you were spared the evils of this world.

You will never know heartbreak.
You will never know betrayal.
You will never know fear.
You will never know the kind of hurt
this world can leave behind.

You will only ever know love.

And somehow,
I have to find peace in that.

I have to believe
that while my arms are empty,
yours are full.

That while I’m here missing you,
you are somewhere safe.

Somewhere beautiful.

Somewhere there is no pain.

You won’t grow up with your siblings.
I won’t get to watch you grow.
I won’t get to see who you become.

And that is a kind of heartbreak
I don’t think words will ever be big enough for.

But I will carry you.

I’ll carry you in my heart.
I’ll carry you in my memories.
I’ll carry you in every quiet moment
when I wonder who you would’ve been.

You were here.

You were mine.

You were loved.

And even though I had to let you go,
I will never stop being your Momma.

So baby,
when my time comes,
I’ll have my shoes tied tight.

I’ll be ready.

Because somewhere beyond this life,
there’s a playdate waiting for us—
one that is long overdue.

And when I finally see you again,
there won’t be any goodbye.

I’ll just pick you up,
hold you close,
kiss that little face I never forgot,

and this time…

I’ll get to take you home. 💙🕊️

my boyfriend left me without a warning (that’s my point of view, despite he says that he talk a lot about, thing that i just can’t remember) but in her words “because i don’t want to deal with your addiction anymore”.

i don’t understand, i simply don’t. we were happy together, rarely argue, our personalities matched, nothing seems wrong. now i miss him so much, i’m falling apart without him, my heart is broken, in pieces, i’m barely breathing.
i love him more than everything in this world, life seems very pointless if i’ll not live the dreams we dreamed together. now i’ve left dreaming alone.
also, i have several mental illnesses and my mom killed herself a few years ago, i do treatment and all, but is still difficult…

well, i think that nothing else matters cause he was my last attempt to being happy.

but my life are made to be suffering and crying out loud until i have the courage to end up this shit.

#Suicide #SuicidalIdeation #SuicideAttemptSurvivors #Depression #Miscarriage #SuicidalIdeation #PersonalityDisorders #Suicide #BorderlinePersonalityDisorder #Depression #MentalHealth #Grief #Addiction #AddictionRecovery

Hi, my name is JoyfulLark93797. I'm here because

#MightyTogether #Miscarriage

Do you know that feeling of... well, nothing?
When everything - every memory, every feeling - is just so much that you shut down?

When you want to cry, but you can't?

Having that feeling right now.
I woke up to a dream of miscarriage.
I've lost what could have been my first child because I was forced to have an abortion by someone I thought I knew prior, but who raped me and then did this on top of it.
Worst thing is that as much as this child was a product of rape, I never wanted to kill any child of mine by abortion.
Because it was not at fault for what had happened. And yet I ended its life through taking two pills. I even caught it when it came out and buried it in my backyard.

I was so alone through all of this. My family still doesn't know a thing and I'm scared to tell them. Because - hey, life sucks sometimes - my father was diagnosed with uncurable cancer two months prior to the rape and then died at the end of last year too. A year prior both my last grandparents died. And before and in between so much death of my animals, I can't start to list it here.

In addition to that, I will have to take a leadership role in an organization I am in and just feel very inadequate and as if everyone else would be a better qualified fit than me. And I'll have to take an exam to qualify myself further in a completely unrelated area soon. But in addition to not feeling secure in how to talk correctly in the exam, I got so many negative comments about things I did wrong while practicing.

I'm really questioning if I am worth anything and if I should even attempt the exam and that role. It's like I'm destined to fail.

And somehow I'm just subconciously waiting for the next shit to turn up and destroy me all over again. Sometimes I'm just tired.

#Grief #Miscarriage #Cancers #Trauma #PTSD #Anxiety #CheckInWithMe #MentalHealth