When My Depression Feels Like a Rainy Day
Ever since I was little, I have always found a peace with the sun (except for sunburns). Good, warm naps in the sun. Car rides where the sun hits you just right. Spending time outdoors when the weather is just nice enough to sit directly in the sunlight. You can feel the warmth where the sun kisses your skin and you thank God for what you believe is His amazing creation.
For the past few months, I haven’t seen much sun. The sun hasn’t kissed my skin, but I’m as tan as I’ll ever be. My naps on our swing are kind of cloudy (even on a sunny day). Most days are pretty gloomy (even if it’s 85 degrees and sunny).
My husband and I have this thing. Let’s call it an “inside joke,” minus the joke. Instead of asking me daily how my depression is, he asks me how the weather is. Since my major depressive disorder got much worse, I have always explained to my husband that my depression feels like it is a rainy day with no sight of the sun coming out. So, on bad days I reply with, “It’s a rainy day”; on good days, I get to tell him how sunny it is (sometimes in a funny singing voice).
If you are dealing with depression right now, you know just how painful it is to talk about it. It does not get easy and it may never be easy, but it can be less painful. Sit down your husband, wife, boyfriend, or best friend (whoever “your person” is) and talk to them straight up. Don’t sugarcoat it, because that will allow them to sugarcoat things to you (which is another story for another day). Tell them how it makes you feel. Tell them the way the word depression makes you feel. Tell them if you feel hopeless or helpless. Tell them if you need their help. Ask them to work with you to come up with a way to talk about depression. Call it a blob, a monster, a tornado, or whatever it may be that can help you to communicate yourself better. Also, be sure to name your good days (because they are coming, I promise).
Depression is hard, and it is even harder to communicate when you are dealing with it. So if you ever see me painting a sun, just know that to me it is so much more than just a sun, because some days, I have to create my own sunshine.
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