It was like a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. It was a freeing sensation where I suddenly realized I don’t need to struggle in that area any longer. Thank heavens, because every little thing was so hard right then.

I gave myself permission to stop trying and simply accepted that he was not going to understand. I let myself off the hook: no more frustration that I couldn’t figure out the right way to communicate what I wanted him to understand. No more merry-go-round of sparring moves in a debate about whether my choice made sense… to him. Because that didn’t matter. It made sense to me. I needed to take care of me, and that was the only thing I was responsible for. Nothing more.

This one incident changed the way I thought about feedback from others, and it helped release me from the worry and weight of how others saw me. It was enough that I understood me. I was enough. 

I have learned how to release others from the judgement and burden of an expectation they are not capable of meeting. And I have learned how to release myself from the judgement and burden of a persuasiveness I am not capable of delivering.

I learned this as I was leaving a relationship, true, but this approach still applies, perhaps even more importantly, to those relationships you wish to keep.

Here’s why:

• In a sad way, the more you try and struggle to make them understand, the more entrenched and oppositional the relationship may become.

• This increases stress and can increase the width of the chasm between you.

• This can also increase your chronic illness symptoms, such as the fibromyalgia symptoms of pain and fatigue and fog. 

• The harder you try to make them understand, the more you signal your unhappiness with the way they are. Strong, healthy relationships flourish when you demonstrate acceptance of the whole person, from the wondrous to the flawed, through your behavior. When you give your partner the space and freedom to breathe and to be, you open the door to transparent dialogue about how your illness affects you both.

So, I suggest letting them go. Release them of the shackles of your disappointment over their inability to understand you, your condition, your pain. 

Release yourself of the burden of failure to convince and persuade. 

Choose to enjoy your relationships the way they are. I choose to cherish those I love for who they are even when they don’t understand.

In addition to the fibro group, I began reading more blogs and articles about chronic illness. I was inspired to share my own story to create more awareness and understanding, especially about fibromyalgia, which is often knocked down due to its “mysterious” nature. Until some of my blog posts went public and I read the readers’ comments, I had no idea how many people had lives that mirrored my own. I’m not thrilled with the number of people who battle chronic illness, but I believe connecting with each other is a way to “dull the pain,” so to speak. There are too many people who don’t have support at home and need a safe, non-judgmental place to go. Even if that “place” is on the Internet, it’s a way to exchange stories, symptoms, treatments, and advice. We can support, understand, and relate to one another.

Of course everyone is different and there is no right or wrong in this matter. Some people like to keep medical issues private and only tell their immediate family, others may be more vocal and blog about their experiences. People should do whatever they feel is most comfortable. I wanted to share this because my feelings changed, and both my online support group and writing articles have been great outlets. It has been better for my health to “let it out” than “bottle it up.” It took awhile for me to believe this myself, but I now know that having a chronic illness is nothing to be ashamed of. I didn’t choose to live this way. However, I decided that since I can’t make my symptoms disappear, I’ll work with them instead. I’ll share my thoughts in hopes of reaching people who don’t understand how we live. I’ll continue to support everyone with chronic illness. And I’ll continue to fight like hell.

We have to pace. We don’t pace and we suffer for it. I of course learned this the hard way, more than once because that is how I roll. I feel like I need to push myself when I feel good, which results in me feeling quite bad and needing recovery time, sometimes for days… then repeat. If we pace our activities we avoid this cycle altogether. And that, is much more pleasant on the body.

We are not what we do. We have more value than what we do for a living. It can be a difficult process to give up a career and go down to part-time or to not work at all, but sometimes it is the very best thing we can do for our health. And it is our well-being that counts the most. We are so very much more than a job. And slowly we realize this after we have adjusted.

It is OK to focus on self-care. It is not self indulgent to focus on yourself. To do things that give you pleasure. To do meditation and other things that help with your well-being. To spend time socializing. All things are pieces of the puzzle. Chronic pain is stressful. It is a constant stressor and we need to engage in things to reduce that stress and manage our moods. I would say all factors of self-care are fundamental to our treatment just like anything else. Moderation is key. It is the game plan. Taking a vacation? Moderate your activities but enjoy yourself. Doing housework? Not in one day you’re not. Spread it out through the week. And drop that guilt. You are the turtle, dammit! Embrace that turtle lifestyle! Working part-time and feeling not “productive enough?” You are more than your work. And we moderate our activities. Work is a facet of our lives that needs to be adjusted and accommodated based on our health.

We are too hard on ourselves with brutal standards we feel we need to maintain or think others judge us for — certainly we judge ourselves. We need to know our limits and lower those standards to those limits. They are limits for a reason. We should not be exceeding them. There should be no shame. No guilt. No comparing to a past self, to a perfect healthy self to other people. We are living the chronic illness lifestyle of the turtle. Not the hare or rabbit. As such there is no guilt here. There is what can we do to make an environment that creates the best conditions available and promotes our own wellbeing. And do that.

Embrace the turtle my friends. We will all be happier for it.