Learning to Manage This Catastrophic Mind of Mine


Anxiety. Seven complex letters that come equipped with nausea, overthinking, difficulty sleeping, palpations, nervousness. Not to mention depression can be attached or sold separately.

As I’m waking up to begin the day, I can already tell if it’s going to be a walk in the park, or a battlefield. Very rarely is it ever an “in between,” or “OK” day. As I’m sitting on the edge of my bed, the negative thoughts engulf me of what awful aspects could enfold during the day. My brain becomes clouded by darkness as various questions drift into my consciousness:

Why can’t I seem to be happy?

Why can’t I just pull it together?

Why am I even existing as a physical entity?

What is my purpose and will I ever find it?

Yet I force myself out of my refugee (the bed) to pick out an outfit. Not just any outfit, I’m talking about putting on my “happy” or “neutral” face to hide my true self from the world. Walking down the street I see a few familiar faces, as I force a smile back. At the job and in the classroom the common greeting of “Hi. How are you,” has become a robotic smile and an answer of “I’m fine. Thanks. What about you?” Yet I really want to scream out my true feelings written on my face and all the chaotic thoughts haunting my mind.

Now in my case you can add social anxiety into the mix, in which communicating with people becomes another struggle. For the friends I meet, I hold onto them because they’re far and few in between. Do I speak of my anxiety? Oh no! I used to think “Everybody has problems, who wants to hear or even care about mine?” I don’t feel like hearing the typical responses of:

Cheer up.

Things will get better.

Stop being so down on yourself.

As if I choose to have these overwhelming thoughts creep in my head on a daily basis.

Then night comes as I find myself alone with my thoughts, with the occasional tears that flood from my tears, in which my pillow catches. Never grabbed the razor or a knife, but I did learn how to pick up my pen. I pretend that the paper is my skin, as my words bleed emotions between each line. The tears create droplets and bring back the past memories, toxic people and situations that were never meant to be.

I have found comfort in my solitude, while learning to manage this catastrophic mind of mine, perfecting the art of loving myself including these “societal flaws.” Nonetheless on my journey, I am thankful for my real paper and my pen.

TOPICS
JOIN THE CONVERSATION

Related to Anxiety

Wedding photo of a woman, her fiance and dog outdoors in front of a river.

Wedding Planning Tips From a Bride With Anxiety

As my wedding was nearing, my mood swings and panic were all over the place. I wanted to share this because of two things: first, it’s a lot different than the normal bride panic and anxiety. Also, I’m sharing because it helped me to realize not every panic attack or little anxiety is caused by my [...]
jack-o-lantern sitting in a window

Getting Over 'Halloween-Phobia' When You Live With Anxiety

Everybody loves Halloween, right? Nope. So much nope. A big trigger for me is when I can’t see someone’s face when they’re speaking to me, which is why it’s so hard for me to have phone conversations. (Sometimes even texting is hard!) Living with anxiety can feel like you’re prey. We are always 100 percent aware [...]
black and white of a male in his 30s

'You Have Nothing to Be Anxious About!' That's the Problem.

I often have people tell me I don’t have it all that bad, so what could I be depressed or anxious about? I have a steady job and a roof over my head, so what could I possibly have to worry about? I couldn’t agree more. Why then, am I still afraid and worried all the time? Just [...]
student sitting in desks in class

Why I Dread the First Week of School as a Student With Anxiety

So, a new year at my university has started, and my initial dread has passed. I wasn’t dreading my classes — I was excited to start learning and going to class. What I was dreading was the “introductions week” and the class presentations I knew I’d have to do. I kept thinking about last year when I [...]