I Won’t Let the Monster of Depression Win the Battle in My Head

Yes, a monster is in my head.

If I have to describe it for anyone, then I will describe it like this. I heard the monster growling at me. It was creeping up on me, but I didn’t bother to give him the time of day. Simply for the fact that I was so invested in my studies, I didn’t care if I fell ill. I just had to push through it.

That is until the monster caught me. It has this way of climbing in your head. It gnaws on all your insecurities. It digs through all the pain you ever felt before. I fell sick. Everybody brushed it off as the flu, then asthma and then finally, “You’re just a student trying to cut class.”

Something made me incredibly ill, and I couldn’t understand what was going on. I seriously thought at one point I might have cancer. Little did I know, it’s this monster in my head, growling, scratching and ripping apart all of my positive thoughts. I skipped class, didn’t give in assignments and I just couldn’t care about my academic future, let alone my future.

The monster tore me down to a place I never thought I would be. A dark and numbing place. A place that made me feel like a failure, a reject of life. Eventually, a doctor figured out I might have depression and gave me some stuff to drink. She wanted me to be hospitalized, but I didn’t want to go because I refused to accept I have depression.

I went back to university and everything around me crumbled. I just couldn’t cope. This monster likes the taste of my salty tears. I cried a lot. I found myself thinking of ending it all. Thinking of quick and easy ways to take my life. I simply couldn’t handle this unknown pain in my soul.

Then, the self-harming began. Every cut I made on my arm made me feel well feel again. I don’t even think my family thought I was this unhappy, sad and in pain. Once, I got back at university, I started to see a psychiatrist. She started to explain to me what is happening and advised me to get hospitalized. I didn’t agree. Again.

Maybe the monster took over my way of rational thinking. My lecturers could see I was in a bad place and urged me to get help. At this point, I was an island. I didn’t have as many friends I used to. Yet, I just kept on going, drinking more, trying to drown the monster in my head, trying to go to class. There were times I had to run out of class because the monster was thirsty for more tears.

On one of those teary days, I decided to end it all. I couldn’t bare the numbing and indescribable pain.

Somewhere in the middle, one of my lectures called me, and for a brief second, rationality defeated the monster in my head. A bit too late. Luckily, I didn’t do enough to cause serious damage. I just felt like crap.

I realized I was losing the battle in my head. The next week, I got hospitalized for three weeks. I felt better in there, less like an outcast. I was supervised and made really good friends, friends who understand the monster in my head. I have been on “the outside world” for two weeks now. Right back into my hectic schedule and so focused on not letting the monster win. Trying to finish my honors year in one piece.

In the hospital, I learned how to cope with the monster, but I find myself feeling like a dark cloud. I am just not happy. The hospital helped, but I realize there are no quick fixes to get rid of the monster. I take my meds. I am still seeing the psychiatrist and am trying to put myself above my studies. Sometimes, I still think of suicide. Sometimes, I still get the urge to harm myself, but there is change. I am fighting back. I have major depressive disorder and it sucks. I am far away from being able to live a normal, happy life, but I know it’s in my future.

It is easy to think about depression and think weakness, but, honey, I am still here. I am in the battle. Depression makes me feel like I have no future, but I decided I will have a future. Maybe one day the monster and I will become friends and help others in similar situations.

Just don’t give up. Don’t refuse medical care. Don’t harm yourself. Loving yourself is the only way you’ll get through this. That, your treatment plan, therapy and support groups. Don’t let the monster steal your joy. There is always sunshine after the darkness.

You might not feel better today, but one day, you will be the victorious warrior of your own story. For now, I am fighting my battle against depression. You know what? That’s fine. There is treatment available to help me fight this monster in my head. I will be fine and so will you.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

Image via contributor.