illustrations of pills

 Editor’s note: This story is based on an individual’s experience and shouldn’t be taken as medical advice. Please talk to a doctor before starting or stopping mediation. 

It has been about a month since I made the conscious, sober, uninfluenced, clear-headed decision to start easing off of my meds, and tonight I sit here wondering why.

So, I realized I better write about this. I better capture this in everything that it is so I can continue growing this conversation. So I can continue reminding people why it’s important, and reassure people that it’s OK to feel and share raw emotions. That we can learn so much from them, and grow so much as individuals. We can learn from each other, support each other and be inspired by each other to keep going, and I don’t want to stop being a part of that.

The biggest thing I’ve learned so far is that patience is a virtue.

I made my decision based on a few factors. One, is that although I’ve been on this medication for about four years, and it has certainly helped, I feel it may have plateaued for me. Two, I am in the best place I’ve ever been in in my life. I’m more confident, more happy and more inspired than ever, and I’m in a healthy relationship with a woman I love. I have a job I’m excited about, and wonderful friends and family to share life with. Three, it’s not yet the dead of depressing winter. Four, I just felt…ready. My instinct told me it was time to try leaving the nest.

However, it also reminded me to do it slowly.

After talking to my doctor, I eased into taking three-fourths of a pill for about two weeks, and then half a pill for about three weeks. Now, I am on one-forth a pill and have been for about two weeks. I think I have about another two weeks to go. Easy does it, that’s for sure! I can’t stress enough, you should never go cold turkey on your medication, especially without first talking about it with your doctor. In my case, my doctor told me late last year that when I felt ready, I could try easing off, but to do it gradually. The idea was always that I wouldn’t be on this medication forever, just for awhile. I had one brief episode two years ago where I quit cold turkey, got depressed, tried switching to a new SSRI immediately and then had vertigo and suicidal tendencies for a few weeks.

So this time, patience is my greatest virtue. And so far… it’s basically worked!

I’ve had the odd, blue day, and when stress hits me it hits me harder. I have turned both my apartment, my girlfriends’ apartment and my desk at work into the place where to-do lists go to die. I have to constantly rearrange things to feel the sense of control I need. And today, I heard familiar inner voices making me feel less than, making me feel small, making me feel confused.


Luckily, I have 10 plus years of living with mental illness under my belt, and a “tool box” full of techniques I have learned through experience and counseling to help me work through the tricky moments. I also have a wonderful support network, and they keep me strong and grounded.

The other thing I have learned rather quickly is that vulnerability is allowed, and it is in fact more of a strength than the weakness it is often perceived as. My vulnerabilities when it comes to my mental illness are (surprisingly) not so much to do with the stigma of having mental illness; I’ve made my peace with that, and am obviously happy to be quite open about it. My vulnerabilities are that I second guess everything I say or do, and then I lose any sense of confidence I have worked so hard to find. Mental illness strips me of that. It makes me feel lonely, unacknowledged and unwanted even in a room full of the kindest people. It makes me feel less than, and it makes me question if anything I put my efforts towards is worth it. 

As I go off my meds, slowly but surely, some of this vulnerability and insecurity has been resurfacing. It’s scary, it’s frustrating and it’s confusing. But enough of me is still in control that I can acknowledge this is not weakness. I can see that it’s teaching me a lesson about what it means to be strong. It’s teaching me about worthiness, and about finding my voice again. It’s teaching me that I am not the only one scared shitless in this world, and I think we all need to talk about that more. Cause we’re all awesome, we’re all vulnerable about something and we can all learn and grow from that. 

Tomorrow is a new day, friends, and I will feel refreshed and ready to take it on in the morning. Tonight, I acknowledge that it was a hard day, and I acknowledge everything I felt so deeply, and every scary thought I had.

I also acknowledge this is temporary. It’s a transition back to the light, and back to myself. Although I never left, and I’m not leaving now either.  

It’s just a shadow dance in limbo, reminding me of how far I have come if anything.

But it’s a long dance, and I still have much to learn from it. This time, I have candlelight to face the shadows. I am prepared, I am willing to face it and I more confident in myself that I can. I think my beautiful mind is coming back to itself, even if it took an odd, dark detour in this transition. So it keeps telling me to push forward and continue this journey — to see what I’m really capable of this time.

Only time will tell! I’m thankful I have so much of it.

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I am so tired of people telling me I am reliant on pills, that being on medication for my anxiety means I am just masking the problem. I am tired of being called “crazy” because I use medicine to help me manage my day-to-day life. I am tired of being the person who has to justify myself to people who tell me “you don’t need medicine, there isn’t even anything wrong with you” and “it’s all in your head.” Because that’s the problem isn’t it?

People continuously tell me that anxiety is made up in my head. It isn’t real. If I just tell myself that, I’ll see that everything is totally fine and come to my senses and say “You know what? You were right all along. I can’t believe I just tortured myself for so many years when the answer was right there. All I had to do was think, and boom. Wow. Thank you so much for all of your help!” Except oh, that’s right, anxiety is a real medical condition. Bold print. Italics. Underlined. In blaring lights over every highway in every state in every country in the world. Whatever I have to do to make you understand. It’s real. It’s out of my control. It is a medical condition.

You see, what I just can’t wrap my head around is the fact that there is an actual stigma surrounding the need for medication manufactured to treat a legitimate and extremely common medical condition. I have even had my doctor, that’s right my doctor, question my need for medication. So I am going to throw some medical facts at you real quick. Anti-anxiety and anti-depressant medications are often the same type of drug. These are called SSRIs (serotonin re-uptake inhibitors). SSRIs allow serotonin (a mood-enhancing hormone) to circulate properly and help stop a depressive or anxious state. In layman’s terms – this is a medicine that helps a body part function the way it should.

Makes sense right? Something in your body hurts, is broken, or doesn’t work right… go to the doctor, get the right medication, take said medication, feel better. Bada bing, bada boom. There you have it, folks. Modern medicine in its simplest form. But here’s the kicker. People will read this and think, “whatever, she’s still crazy,” “whatever, I’m not going to listen to someone who has to take pills every day for her brain,” “whatever, she just relies on her medicine and doesn’t even try to be happy on her own.” Every single day I encounter people who have those exact reactions when they find out I am on medication for my anxiety.

News flash! I am on this medication because I need it, because it helps me control my anxiety, and because it makes it easier for me to work my way through each day and continually make it so I can in fact, be happy on my own. And the thing is, just like many other medications, most people do not stay on this medicine their whole lives. It is a way to manage the pain that comes with anxiety and/or depression while we find other things that help us cope and heal. For me, being on this medicine has helped me come to terms with my anxiety, seek out a counselor, and begin a much healthier and happier lifestyle.

Recovery is always a process requiring multiple factors. Just as you would go through the medical steps of treating a broken leg, I go through the steps of treating my anxiety. You wouldn’t say a cast is just a quick fix for a broken leg now, would you? You wouldn’t tell that person they are taking the easy way out and if they just tell themselves their leg is healed, they’ll see all along they had just made up the fracture and imagined all of that pain, would you? No. You absolutely would not.

So quit acting like an injury in my brain is any different. Stop perpetuating the idea that mental illness “isn’t a real thing.” Stop making me feel inferior to you because I am doing something to help heal my body. Stop calling me crazy, psycho, reliant, addicted, unstable, a flight risk, nuts, a loose screw. Stop. And if you hear someone else doing it, stop them too. Educate yourself. Understand that a medical problem is a medical problem and pain is pain no matter what part of your body it is.

Just stop. Stop yourself, and put an end to the stigma. I for one, have had enough. Have you?

Editor’s note: Please see a doctor before starting or stopping a medication.

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Thinkstock photo by Thatpichai

I am anxious a lot of the time. I will never say it is a good thing in any way shape or form. But it has done one thing for me, something simple that often takes years to develop. It has taught me perspective. Before I talk about perspective, let me give you some.

I worked for one company for a long time. It was perpetually high-pressure, frenetic chaos, not unlike using an explosion to force out a cannon ball. I worked long, hard hours and stressed over everything, because I felt I had to. When I left work, my phone rang daily with urgent problems that needed sorting. The stress drove me past breaking. I was grateful for 12-hour “short” days. I never received gratitude or recognition. At the desperate encouragement of family and friends, I searched and searched for a new job. Hundreds and hundreds of applications.

Then, I got an offer. A good one. Thirty fewer hours a week, much less stress, I am liked by my customers, my boss and my team. I am good at what I do, and I get recognized for it. If a meeting runs late at the end of the day, they apologize for making me work late. I tell them it is not at all a problem; it is still a better day than my best day at the other place. I had one co-worker tell me to stop comparing what I do now to what I did then. But I cannot, and more to the point, I feel I should not.

Comparing my pile of good things (to steal a line from “Doctor Who”) to my pile of bad things does a couple very important things for me and my anxiety. It keeps me grateful and it keeps me humble. Being an anxious mess today might seem so overwhelming that I can barely breathe. I do not get through it by telling myself there are brighter days ahead. No, I get through it by looking back at the darkest, longest, most excruciating days and remembering I came out on the other side. For me, good things in the future mean nothing compared to the bad things I had to scratch and claw my way through. I can make it through this, not because karma will give me a treat for doing so, but because I have seen worse.

It lets me be grateful for my pile of good things. I am so grateful not to be working where I was that I am in a perpetually better mood at work (which means I also do better at work). Gratitude, gratitude, gratitude. I hoard good memories and close friends and I cherish them because I have had some sh*tty days. I look calm and in command at my new job during stressful situations, because I have built up an immunity to it.

So when your anxiety rides towards you in dark, icy waves, know it will still be hard. It might just suck. But even if your pile of good things is small, they can shine brighter. They won’t even have to be great good things; they can shine out to you simply by comparison. Cherish them when they are there. That one friend or movie or park or song or whatever your talisman against the darkness is — be grateful for it. My stress and experience and anxiety gives me perspective. It helps me value my good things. I can face the dark times more head on, because I have seen worse. There are plenty of bad things out there, that is certain. So it is my practice to try, little by little, to create a good thing or two to toss out there. I invite each and every one of you to do the same.

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As an introvert with anxiety, the ability to work from home has been a godsend. There’s no elevator small talk. Meetings are accomplished over text and email. The phone stays off, and my mind stays steady.

It may sound reclusive, but the truth is I do work better this way, because I’m not anxious about making a good impression. The computer doesn’t judge, and I don’t have to second-guess anything but the words on my screen.

There are times, however, when venturing out into the business world is unavoidable. When that happens, there are a few things that I’ve found can help take the edge off.

Before the Meeting:

Research. Use LinkedIn to look up those you’ll be meeting with. Not only can you get a better feel for their background, you can also find out what they look like, which may help ease the anxiety of meeting them in person for the first time.

Write it down. One of the worst parts of social anxiety, I feel, is that my brain tends to go blank during conversations. Knowing in advance what you need to discuss — and seeing it on the paper in front of you — can help keep things on track.

Dress the part. This might not be the best time to try out a new look. Rather, keep it simple, work appropriate, and most of all, well within your comfort zone.

The Day of the Meeting:

Do something special. Small comforts can make a big difference: a cup of your favorite tea, a new book, a cuddle with your cat — anything that takes you out of your mind (and your worries).

Remember. Think of something that makes you laugh, and take a minute to fall into that feeling. Then walk through the doors with a genuine smile on your face.

In the Meeting:

Take notes. Jot down the main points of what’s being discussed while continuing to pay attention to the speaker. This gives your hands something to do and can help you stay focused on what’s happening in the moment.

When in doubt, say so. Don’t be afraid to use the phrase “I don’t know,” followed by “I’ll research that and get back to you.” It’s better than panicking for a few minutes, searching for an answer.

Apologize. We’ve all probably said or done things in a moment of anxiety that made us cringe. I personally tend to cut people off — not because I’m a rude person, but because I’m nervous and trying to compensate by showing my understanding of the topic. I think the best thing to do when you make a mistake is say, “I’m sorry.” Then sit back, take a breath and listen.

After the Meeting:

Be gracious. When the meeting is over, make eye contact with those around you and say, “Thank you for meeting with me.” Everyone is busy, and recognition of that fact is most often appreciated.

Finally, let it go. When you’re driving home and all your brain wants to do is replay every single second of the experience, don’t. Turn on some music, roll down the windows, and let it go.

I know, easier said than done. But try to remember that with every experience (no matter how nerve-wracking) comes knowledge — knowledge we can use the next time we have to venture out into the big, bad world.

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I’ve had anxiety for a long time, and I had my first panic attack when I was 14. I went through a bad episode that lasted a few months when I was 17, in which my anxiety was a lot more persistent.

It’s easy to forget the pain once it went back down. Yet, whenever it spiked again, I vowed to myself to never forget how real and unpleasant it could be. Through my persistent anxiety, distractions were one of a few things that would help. I would watch movie after movie in an attempt to distract myself, mainly children’s movies and Charlie Chaplin movies. I would also read, but nothing really stops the feeling of fear that lingers.

Nevertheless, distractions can ease the pain for a short moment. Through the years, I have collected quite a collection of books that I can often go back to and read when times get tough. These seven books helped me through my toughest times:

1. “A Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

This intelligent and funny book entertained me, distracted me and made me laugh. It reminded me not to take things too seriously, even when my anxiety told me otherwise.

2. “Dracula

This well-written classic has a story that captures interest through centuries and kept my mind busy through hard times. Having been to Transylvania, this book is extra special to me.

3. “Clan of the Cave Bear

As an anthropology student, this book could capture my interest, even in high school. It is particularly well-researched and based on real anthropological and archaeological findings.

4. “Lord of the Flies

Another classic that managed to distract me from the non-stop fear that started to feel like a permanent part of me.

5. “Man’s Search for Meaning

Written by a psychiatrist who lived through a concentration camp, this book encourages people to find a meaning in life in order to avoid feelings of emptiness. This therapy is called logotherapy.

6. “The Collector

A story about a fictional kidnapping, reading this book about someone else’s pain made me forget my own for a short moment.

7. “Flowers for Algernon

Though this book’s main character deals with mental health related issues but does not identify as having a mental illness, I could identify with the issues it brought up.

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Thirty years.

Of tying up my shoes.

Of lacing up my gloves.

Of giving myself pep-talks.

Of building the best “team” possible, to remain ever-steadfast in my corner.

Ready, once more,

To go head to head with this relentless, seven-letter beast.

Going round, after round, after round,

Until I am too exhausted to fight anymore.

Taking a break.

And then preparing, yet again.

Literally living in limbo.

From fear to fear.

Worry to worry.

Panic to panic.

Always guarded.

Always preparing.

Always building that next “false” bridge.

While the one trailing behind crumbles to pieces.

For others like me, those living with chronic anxiety, our entire existence is about preparing ourselves for, pushing through and then, subsequently analyzing, those same “what ifs,” hiccups, speed bumps and mountains that for most, are simply shrugged off. For those able to embrace a more lighthearted and relaxed existence, it may be difficult, or even impossible, to understand what it’s like for someone struggling with day to day anxiety. Not to mention frustrating, exhausting and discouraging.

Believe me when we tell you, we understand. Because, how you feel about my anxiety? If there was a way to multiply that feeling by infinity, then you might possibly have a small glimpse into our hearts and minds. Into our daily battle. Through our latest “round.”

For those on the front lines with someone living with anxiety, those heading the charge hand in hand with a loved one against this ruthless and unyielding monster, there are two simple requests we have of you. Two tiny acts, that in the “heat” of the moment, are the perfect ways to show just truly how much you care.

1. Please, don’t ever dismiss me.

To you, it might be the most minuscule thing to worry about in the world, but to me it is greater than any mountain imaginable. To be told I am “silly,” “crazy” or what I am worried about is “nothing,” is completely heartbreaking. When you have anxiety, those “nothings” are everything. When you do dismiss me, it only causes an even more intense bottling up of worries and emotions, racing on a closed circuit track through my mind.

2. Please, don’t ever humiliate me.

Oh, how much this one hurts. I understand. What I might be anxious about might seem absolutely ridiculous to you. But to me? It is totally and completely “real.” It has persona. It fills my mind to the brim. Every waking second of my day. To make me feel ashamed for this, only makes me want to throw in the towel. To retreat. To forfeit the battle and pull away from my life even more than I already have.

When it feels like things have become “too much,” and you are not sure you have it in you to stay around, please know each of these battles are new and different for each of us. Each “round” of its own kind and likeness. Each one caused by a different or possibly recurring trigger. We sometimes have absolutely no knowledge, no control and no prediction of when this ogre might sneak back in again.

Your support means the absolute world to us. However, your unkind words, when you feel the need to unleash them, are the most hurtful of all. Together, we have learned just what this thief is capable of doing and of taking from “us.”

More than anything in the world, please understand, even if you can’t identify with this emotional rollercoaster ride of daily anxiety, even if in no possible way can you relate, even if you loathe it as much as I loathe it, there is nothing someone struggling with anxiety wants more than to have someone stay with us, through it all.

As encouragement.

As support.

As a companion.

And as a friend.

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