Depression Doesn't Make Me Hate My Life – It Makes Feel Undeserving of It


I came across an article not too long ago that had a great perspective, giving insight on those of us who have depression. She spoke about the fact that she was blessed with her life, but sometimes feels like she doesn’t deserve the life she was given.

Ah! That!

I hate it when something triggers my depression. Sometimes I know what it is; sometimes I don’t. Either way, I find myself wondering how I got to where I am. Not in the sense of, “Why am I cursed with this life?” but more like, “I am not worth this life around me.

That’s hard to decipher and put out there. I know that can be confusing to anyone who doesn’t have depression. But I often wonder why my amazing husband ever puts up with me, or something just feel like wasted space.

This leads to misconception about suicide.

Really — it’s not about being selfish. When in that place, I’m not thinking about how I’ll be missed, or that I’m longing for attention, or even what my eulogy might be. Honestly, it’s the exact opposite. It’s feeling the pain of so much loneliness (even when there’s people around), that I can’t feel the love, and I feel worthless and like I’m letting everyone down. I want out of a situation I feel like I cannot help; removing myself from a life I feel too blessed to have. I feel like life will be better without me here. I feel like a hinderance. I know life is great — but can’t see it. I can’t feel it. There is a great depression in my soul and very being. There’s a hole I cannot seem to fill.

But even when I felt so incredibly mediocre, or like I’m just dragging myself through, I still have an amazing life. I was in a typical middle-class, suburban family. We had a mortgage, a couple of dogs, a fenced yard. I danced competitively, my brother played soccer, we went to church every Sunday. My mom was a teacher and my dad was a mail carrier and a Navy veteran. My life was fine, my life was blessed. But I found by feeling mediocre in that life — by trying to fit in and “be normal” — I was hurting my own self-worth. In my head, anyway.

I still slip into those depths. I feel like I don’t deserve the amazing life I’ve been blessed with. I feel like I’m not worth any of it and can feel hopeless. In a way, I feel like a hinderance to the life around me. When, in all honesty, I’ve come to a place in life where I’m comfortable in my weirdo-ness. From celebrating odd holidays, to Disney-bounding, to running in tutus, to loving and mingling within different geeky-fandom bases, to time-traveling through fashion, to singing if you make me think of a song (even if I change the lyrics), to dancing to no music because I have my own beat in my head…

I live life; I love life. Just sometimes the lies of depression get it all messed up. Just know, when I’m down, I don’t hate my life and I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to exist in what is good. Because I feel I don’t deserve it.

That’s what happens when depression lies — it makes me not want to exist for the better good. Which is wrong, but sometimes it’s hard to hear anything else when your sad brain is so loud.

Follow this journey on Experience Lived.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.

We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.

Image via Thinkstock


Find this story helpful? Share it with someone you care about.


Related to Depression

Frustrated young woman with tv remote control in front of christmas tree

5 Changes My Depression Prompted Me to Make This Christmas

I’m not really feeling Christmas this year. Usually by mid-November, we have most of our Christmas shopping completed, and at the beginning of December, I have all our decorations up including the tree. This year, I admitted to my husband that my depression has really taken hold, and I am struggling to get through the [...]

Live Video: Juliette Virzí - Depression and College

Juliette Virzí is a writer and mental health advocate, and an intern at The Mighty.
a girl laying in bed covering her face with her hands

10 Secrets I've Never Told About My Depression

1. I think about suicide every single day. It is pretty much a constant thought. I try not to dwell on it, and I actively resist making any plans. No matter how hard I try, though, it’s always there. I feel like your lives would improve if mine ended. I hate what my illness is [...]
A woman signaling for someone to be quiet with her finger over her pursed lips

10 Things Not to Say to Someone With Depression

Depression is not an easy thing to live it. Combined with anxiety, it can be immobilizing and even cause major disruptions in people’s lives. Although depression is an unpleasant thing to have, what is even worse is when someone who does not understand it makes a comment about it. Here are 10 things people have [...]