Depression Doesn't Make Me Hate My Life – It Makes Feel Undeserving of It
I came across an article not too long ago that had a great perspective, giving insight on those of us who have depression. She spoke about the fact that she was blessed with her life, but sometimes feels like she doesn’t deserve the life she was given.
I hate it when something triggers my depression. Sometimes I know what it is; sometimes I don’t. Either way, I find myself wondering how I got to where I am. Not in the sense of, “Why am I cursed with this life?” but more like, “I am not worth this life around me.”
That’s hard to decipher and put out there. I know that can be confusing to anyone who doesn’t have depression. But I often wonder why my amazing husband ever puts up with me, or something just feel like wasted space.
This leads to misconception about suicide.
Really — it’s not about being selfish. When in that place, I’m not thinking about how I’ll be missed, or that I’m longing for attention, or even what my eulogy might be. Honestly, it’s the exact opposite. It’s feeling the pain of so much loneliness (even when there’s people around), that I can’t feel the love, and I feel worthless and like I’m letting everyone down. I want out of a situation I feel like I cannot help; removing myself from a life I feel too blessed to have. I feel like life will be better without me here. I feel like a hinderance. I know life is great — but can’t see it. I can’t feel it. There is a great depression in my soul and very being. There’s a hole I cannot seem to fill.
But even when I felt so incredibly mediocre, or like I’m just dragging myself through, I still have an amazing life. I was in a typical middle-class, suburban family. We had a mortgage, a couple of dogs, a fenced yard. I danced competitively, my brother played soccer, we went to church every Sunday. My mom was a teacher and my dad was a mail carrier and a Navy veteran. My life was fine, my life was blessed. But I found by feeling mediocre in that life — by trying to fit in and “be normal” — I was hurting my own self-worth. In my head, anyway.
I still slip into those depths. I feel like I don’t deserve the amazing life I’ve been blessed with. I feel like I’m not worth any of it and can feel hopeless. In a way, I feel like a hinderance to the life around me. When, in all honesty, I’ve come to a place in life where I’m comfortable in my weirdo-ness. From celebrating odd holidays, to Disney-bounding, to running in tutus, to loving and mingling within different geeky-fandom bases, to time-traveling through fashion, to singing if you make me think of a song (even if I change the lyrics), to dancing to no music because I have my own beat in my head…
I live life; I love life. Just sometimes the lies of depression get it all messed up. Just know, when I’m down, I don’t hate my life and I don’t want to die. I just don’t want to exist in what is good. Because I feel I don’t deserve it.
That’s what happens when depression lies — it makes me not want to exist for the better good. Which is wrong, but sometimes it’s hard to hear anything else when your sad brain is so loud.
Follow this journey on Experience Lived.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
If you need support right now, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 or text “START” to 741-741.
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