What It Means to Feel Alone When You Have Depression
Most days I’m fine. I know I have people who care about me, and I know they will be there for me when I need them.
On days when my depression kicks it up a notch, I can feel alone in the most crowded places.
It’s not a feeling of being sad. You just feel empty inside. And you are unable to communicate the things that are important to you. I get scared out of my mind when I’m alone. I can’t even sleep without the TV on to drown out the buzzing thoughts going through my head. Most of the time they are negative or untrue, but when one is in that state of mind, you can’t help yourself. I don’t do it on purpose. It just happens. I start thinking about the future and get scared it won’t turn out like I have planned. I think about the past and that weird thing I said 10 years ago. If I remember it, they must too, right? I feel alone inside my head. I watch cartoons to feel better. I always watch comedies because that is the only genre that makes me forget momentarily about daily things.
Imagine being at a party, surrounded by all of your friends, and all these thoughts come rushing in. Then you start to think, are these people really my friends? Do they really care about me? Can’t they see that I need help? The thoughts never stop coming. Not only do I have to force myself to go out and be with people, I also have to convince myself to take a look around. There are all of these people around me and interacting with each other; I’m even having a conversations with one of them, but I feel isolated. I’m not very good with describing this feeling, but the sad part is, it’s my normal.
Depression makes you long for the interaction with people, but it’s as if it’s just right out of reach.
I’m scared of the feelings my mind can make me feel. Even though they are just thoughts, they hurt physically and emotionally. I’ve tried to explain this to someone, but unless you go through it, you can’t understand. No, I can’t just “forget about them.” No, I just can’t “let it go.” This is me, and I’m scared to be alone.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Thinkstock photo by DAJ