To the Paramedic Who Called Me 'Crazy'

I get it. I needed help for my anxiety because I was so distraught I became a danger towards myself. I was a mess, but I was not “crazy.”

I lay there in blue scrubs in a hospital bed waiting for the emergency medical services (EMS) team to come pick me up and bring me to my next location. I was a nervous wreck, and I had no idea what was going to happen to me, nor how long I was going to be away from my home and my loved ones. I couldn’t concentrate on anything, and my thoughts were attacking me. I felt like I couldn’t survive this.

I heard my night nurse say, “Vanessa, get up. Your ride is here.”

I looked at her and then looked at the two EMS girls. I slowly got out of my bed and walked over to them. They helped me get on the stretcher, and then they strapped me down. I was rolled out of the ER and into the lobby where other patients were staring at me, and all I could feel was myself slowly dying inside.

To the EMS girl who sat with me in the back of the ambulance for 30 minutes — I was not “crazy” like you called me. I was quietly sitting there looking out the small window in the claustrophobic, hot ambulance, and I remember you turned to me and said, “I need you to sign this.”

I was confused about what I was signing, so I said, “What am I signing for?” I sat there, strapped down and scared out of my mind, and you had the nerve to say, “Don’t worry, the worst part is already over. You’re crazy, and you’re going to a mental institution.”

I was already feeling depressed, and you made it even worse. You made me feel so low about myself, and you were supposed to make me feel better. How are those words supposed to make me feel better? There was nothing comforting about that. I learned throughout my life that words are sharper than actions. A bruise can heal, but words can never be forgotten. I will never forget what you said to me that rainy afternoon when I thought my world was falling apart. I will never forget how you made me feel in that moment, and how I wanted to be gone from this world. I will also never understand how anyone, especially a paramedic, can say something like that to a person. You made me feel smaller than I already felt.

What you don’t know is that I’ve gotten better mentally since I’ve been out. I’ve been making good choices and taking care of myself. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget what happened to me when I was hospitalized, but one thing I know for sure is I’m a lot stronger now, and I will not let people make me feel terrible about my mental illness. I struggle with mental illness, and I’m learning how to cope with it one day at a time.

Image via Thinkstock.

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