Recently I graduated high school, which was a huge achievement for me. After being bullied throughout primary school and into the first few years of high school for issues such as my sensitivity, weight, and extreme shyness (which I later learned was tied to my anxiety), finishing high school was a huge goal of mine, one I successfully completed.
I learned of my anxiety during the summer holidays between year 10 and year 11, and everything finally made sense, the missing puzzle piece. I told my closest friends, my best friend of 13 years and my close school group. I also told my parents. I kept it hidden from everyone else. It felt like a secret. I felt ashamed. I thought my anxiety made me weak when in fact it made me strong. It felt like a weight on my shoulders always dragging me down.
Halfway through year 12 I realized my mistake: I had let anxiety, my deepest darkest secret of the time, consume me. So I spoke up. I told more people. I applied for special provisions for the Higher School Certificate (Australian end-of-school exam exams which determine whether or not we get into university), as exam conditions make me extremely anxious. At first I was rejected because none of my teachers knew of my condition; my mistake was made more evident. Eventually I was accepted after speaking to each of my teachers and explaining my situation. I drafted a post which I intended to post on my Facebook account for all my peers to see. I never did post it because I was too scared. It went like this:
Anxiety (noun): a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease about something with an uncertain outcome.
I have something I have been wanting to share with you all for a very long while… I have anxiety, and just like my hair, my nose, and my eyes are all part of who I am, my anxiety is part of me too, but it’s also important to realize that I am not my anxiety!
Some may think this is a post to draw attention to myself when in fact it is not. I would much rather not talk about this… but the stigma surrounding mental illness needs to change! I am not my condition! My anxiety does not define me! Yes, sometimes it controls me, but it does not define me!
I just want people to know that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of! Yes, mental illnesses are ugly. Yes, mental illnesses have a detrimental effect on the lives of individuals, but in no way, shape, or form should one be ashamed by this or judged by this!
We need to speak up! We need to help each other!
Be patient with those who have anxiety (and other mental illnesses). It’s hard to talk about and explain to someone else whats going on in your head when even you yourself don’t know.
I wish I had posted this before I finished high school. No more hiding. No more running from myself. I’ve learned to accept the anxiety and I wish I knew it was possible to do so when I was first diagnosed.
Anxiety does not make you weak. It makes you stronger.
Anxiety has made me who I am. It has shaped me.
Anxiety is not something to be ashamed of.
I am now moving on with the next phase of my life. I do not wish to announce to the world that I have anxiety, but I will not hide it. It will not become a secret that I bury deep within myself only to manifest over time.
I read this quote when I was little: “those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.” Don’t let your insecurity regarding anxiety (or any other mental illness for that matter) stop you because it is a part of you and you should not be ashamed of it. This is what I wish I had told my high school self.
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Image by Antonio Guillem