When It Feels Like Depression Is Winning
Tonight feels like depression is winning. Tonight feels like anxiety is winning. Tonight feels like mental illness will always win and I will always lose.
I can’t get up out of this chair. I haven’t gotten up in hours. I can’t watch Netflix to distract myself. I can’t eat the ice cream in the freezer. I can’t even respond to a text. Writing this is taking every ounce of energy I can muster.
I can’t get up, because I am too depressed. I think about the smallest of tasks I have forgotten to do, and my anxiety rises so much I feel like I am going to be sick. I forgot to put the soda in the fridge. “Oh my God, I’m a failure,” is what goes through my head.
It’s nights like these when I simply want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to hide beneath the covers of my bed and not come out until this is all over. I have a million questions I want to ask. Why can’t I feel better? Why isn’t the medication working? Why isn’t anything working? Why can I not feel an ounce of joy anymore? Why have I not felt joy in several years?
Depression is the darkest cloud I have ever seen. It is the strongest thunderstorm I’ve ever witnessed. It is the slowest moving car on the highway. It is the angriest ocean.
But the ocean will calm. It will not stay angry. The clouds will pass, and the sun will rise again. Sometimes, it may feel like depression has everything on you, and like you will never be strong enough to overcome its wrath.
But depression is not all of you. You are strong enough. You are capable. You will see the sun again.
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