What You Don't See About My Mental Illness Behind Closed Doors

Behind closed doors, you don’t see me as I mentally fight with myself just to try and get myself out of bed and go for a wee.

Behind closed doors, you don’t see that I haven’t left the house for four days and that I haven’t washed my hair or even stepped foot in the shower.

Behind closed doors, you don’t see the anger take over me so much, I trash my flat for no apparent reason.

Behind closed doors, you don’t see the pile of washing I haven’t had the energy or motivation to do.

Behind closed doors, you don’t see me staring blankly into space because I can’t sleep and haven’t slept in 26 hours. Yet, I don’t even have the energy to care anymore.

Behind closed doors, you don’t see me sobbing on my bathroom floor, wondering if all this is worth it.

Behind closed doors, you don’t see the utter dread when I wake up and realize I’m still alive.

So don’t tell me I’m fine when you see me on a good day. Don’t tell me I’m fine because I present myself well at a doctor’s appointment. Don’t tell me I must be fine because I can hold down a job. You have no idea how physically and mentally exhausting it is pretending you’re fine all the time so people don’t worry.

If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.

If you need support right now, call the Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. You can reach the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741.

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