What It's Like to Be Trapped Inside My Mind
Editor’s note: If you experience suicidal thoughts or have lost someone to suicide, the following post could be potentially triggering. You can contact the Crisis Text Line by texting “START” to 741-741
What is it like to be trapped inside my mind? I have this conversation with my mind most of the time. I wonder what it would be like to be inside a “normal” person’s mind.
Recently, my mind has developed auditory hallucinations. When I told my doctor, she said it’s pretty common in people living with bipolar disorder. I guess she thought that would make me happy, a possible comfort because I’m not the only one hearing voices. Yet, of course, it didn’t comfort me at all. Instead, it only made me feel worse than I already did.
I hear voices of my dead mother and father. I hear a voice of a shadowy figure who wants to take over my mind. I hear a voice of another woman whom I don’t recognize and then there’s my own voice.
So, what is it like to be trapped inside my mind? I will try to describe it as best as I can.
In the morning, I open my eyes, and the shadowy figure starts to abruptly charge me with all the things that will go wrong that day.
“You shouldn’t wake up. You’re much better when you’re sleeping.”
“Today is not a good day for you. It’s better to not get out anywhere.”
“You’re not so great at writing. Why even try?”
“You will definitely be disappointed by the people who say they care for you.”
“You are ugly, unloved and fat. Nobody likes you or wants to be with you. Isn’t it better to just give up?”
The voice of the other woman starts to quiver, like it cannot take the hurtful words anymore. She agrees with all the things the shadowy figure says.
She screams, “Shut up! Shut up! Shut up! All the things you say are true. I am a burden, unloved and unwanted. I should just disappear, kill myself and end the misery. I can’t take it anymore.”
She wants me to self-harm.
That’s when I hear my parents. “We are right here. Come to us. Let us be together again.”
Now, it’s time for me to answer them. All this time I was silently listening to the voices because frankly, I don’t have a clue as to what to tell them. So I just internally shout for them to shut up, keep quiet and that I can’t take this torture anymore. I want peace, not constant torment of ways to die, in my head.
Some days, I win. There have been times when the voices get so overwhelming, I attempt suicide. When I was in the ICU, asleep for more than two days, I couldn’t hear them at all.
Yet, then I woke up, and it was all the same. The voices are back, and I am their prisoner. The arguments inside my head never stop. It’s like a radio, changing channels according to it’s own wish, and I am the plaything.
I never, in my life, thought I would be played by my mind. That I would be tortured by it. I never thought that I wouldn’t be in control of my own mind. Yet, here it is. Here’s the truth about my mind and my body that gives in.
This is just an example of one day of the life I live. Can you really imagine every day of your life to be like this? Think about it. After giving a lot of thought, decide not to judge anyone going through this excruciating agony in their minds by themselves.
If you or someone you know needs help, visit our suicide prevention resources page.
We want to hear your story. Become a Mighty contributor here.
Image via Thinkstock.